Just Found Out I'm a Mistress

Reply Fri 5 Feb, 2016 02:25 am
So I'll try not to make this a long drawn out story, but I feel so alone and am embarrassed of my current situation and looking for nonjudgmental input:

I'm a fit and good looking early 30 year old single mother. I'm 7 years free of a controlling and abusive relationship and never thought I wanted to date again. It took me 2 years to even be interested in having coffee with a man.
I'm an ER nurse and meet lots of men: cops, firefighters, doctors, etc but have never been interested in dating in my same field. That was until one day a new face came through. I was instantly intrigued by his demeanor. I could not figure out what was so attractive about this guy. I didn't see him again for several months until I was teaching at another hospital nearly an hour away and ran into him. We chatted briefly and parted ways. Awhile later I received a Facebook request from him and things progressed from there.
He is a father of 2 children. He's very involved in their lives and told me that he was still legally married but had filed 3 years before but never followed through. He was the most caring and loving man I had ever met. He showed interest in getting to know my son and my family. I met his kids and they would come over for dinner (preteen age), helped me move, playdates with the kids, etc. Everyone in our related field knew we were dating, he'd embarrass me with cheesey 'I love you's' on my Facebook. We were planning our future together but he expressed his interest in getting married-something I didn't want. I wanted a 'life partner' but not a husband. He was really upset and we cut ties for a brief amount of time but couldn't stay away. I told him id consider it but that he needed to move forward with the divorce. Things seemed so great!

2 years of dating later...

I start receiving multiple phone calls from a blocked number-15 in a row at times. I figured it was my son's father and I changed my number. I then started receiving calls on my new number. I finally answered and it was my partner's wife. She claimed to have been married to him for 23 years and told me that they lived together. She actually said a bunch of vulgar and inappropriate things, but I tried to explain that I was under the impression that they were getting a divorce. I talked with my partner and he confirmed that they did live together but that he was planning on ending things. He said that they live together but weren't really 'together'. They did sleep in the same bed and she had gone on his family trip. Ugh. I was so confused! Betrayed! Weirded out because I had a relationship with his kids...weirded out because I'd been to his house several times (man cave), we'd switch cars periodically, and he'd stay the night at my house.
So here's where I'm at now...the wife is living in a different city now. He tells me that he wants to be with me and that they are going to file again in 3 months. This sounds all good however, the wife is continuing to harass me. She has called my work and hacked into his facebook account and pretended to be him to get my address. I don't want to take the legal route with her, but I don't know if and when she will leave me alone. It makes me question whether or not he's even telling me the truth sometimes. She left another voicemail yesterday telling me that I 'must feel good knowing that he chose me over his family'.
I initially ended things but we found our way back together. I truly love this man but am worried that I'm being stupid. Here's the crazy part though....we haven't even had sex. He's had an 'issue' that he finally went to the doctor for and was told he just has 'performance anxiety'. This makes me think that he truly loves me too since we aren't together for physical reasons. I would really like to have a physical relationship with him but am currently content with the emotional fulfillment that I get from him. I don't want to wait anymore for him to file. The wife has blatantly told me that she's not going to divorce him and has made threats of violence towards me. I consider myself a very moral person but I'm having no guilt over this situation. The wife wants him to not date until the divorce is finalized but I feel that the marriage has been over and the only thing tying them together is the legal piece of paper. I worry that if we end things to appease her, that the divorce process will not progress.
Am I a fool if I wait? Will he really follow through with the divorce? I was hoping that he would file for divorce because he wanted to, not because he met me. He said that one time and I was not flattered. I'm just an easy target to blame for the wife right now for her failed marriage.
Reply Fri 5 Feb, 2016 06:26 am
You need to get law enforcement involved if you are being physically threatened. Yes, I realize that is messy but it's a lot less messy than if you were permanently injured.

Consider what you would do if this woman was threatening not you, but your children. You'd put the relationship aside and call the cops, right?

So why do you deserve less?

Let this guy sort his own headaches out, including getting her kicked off his Facebook account (by changing his password and deleting her crap, c'mon, this is easy stuff). In the meantime, don't hang around waiting for him. Go out and meet people, and date if you are so inclined, but do not hang around the telephone.

Do what is best for yourself and your children.
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Reply Fri 5 Feb, 2016 07:59 am
What you are going though is difficult, no one should be put through this. Reading this makes me angry at your new boyfriend. He is lying to you. He is lying to his wife. He is manipulating both of you.

If this happened to me, I would break off this relationship immediately. I realize that it is difficult to break off a relationship. But, this is not a good relationship for you to be in. It has already caused you pain, you deserve better.

If you look at this rationally, he has already lied to you and he has already hurt you. I don't see any reason for you to hope that this guy will every be good for you. He is acting in a way that is manipulative and hurtful... that says a lot about who he is. You deserve better. You should break away from him, he will not make you happy in the end.

My advice is that you leave him completely and permanently. With this type of break up you should end it completely; make it clear that you don't want anything to do with him, don't talk to him, don't answer texts. This is the best way for you to protect yourself (which is the important thing).

Then take some time to heal from this bad relationship, and move on.

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Reply Fri 5 Feb, 2016 09:22 am
"I'm 7 years free of a controlling and abusive relationship"

Oh, no you aren't.

Re-read you own text. You are in the thick of ANOTHER abusive relationship - emotional abuse, neglect, liar, cheater, user (of all the people around him - really? he brought his kids to your house in the middle of all this?)

Please go to counseling to find out why you stay with this emotionally unavailable man - (physical unavailable, too. After 2 years, he should have been able to make that work, too)
Reply Fri 5 Feb, 2016 10:46 am
I've been in counseling and I think that's why I'm reaching out for input. I don't want to take a step back on my road to healthy boundaries. I appreciate your opinion.
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Reply Fri 5 Feb, 2016 11:10 am
BlueBlue99 wrote:
I don't want to wait anymore for him to file.

I feel that the marriage has been over

in terms of your boyfriend's marriage, it's not really up to you what happens.

he and his wife are going to do what they want and need.

you're on the outside of all of that.


You have to do what works for you, in your life, independent of what your boyfriend is doing with his marriage. Don't hang around while he sorts things out unless you're ok being literally the person on the side and getting calls/texts/etc from his wife.

He is taking care of himself.

Your responsibility is to yourself, not to him.

I'd suggest moving on with your life.

If he comes to you with a finalized divorce sometime in the future, and if you are available at that time, you can reconsider things with him.
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Reply Fri 5 Feb, 2016 11:12 am
BlueBlue99 wrote:
I finally answered and it was my partner's wife. She claimed to have been married to him for 23 years and told me that they lived together. She actually said a bunch of vulgar and inappropriate things

inappropriate? you're dating her husband -that's about as inappropriate as it gets

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Reply Sun 7 Feb, 2016 05:23 pm
My ex-boyfriend did this to a couple of women behind my back. One of them I talked to rather extensively about the subject. In her case, she had no idea that he was involved with anyone. You , on the other hand, KNOW he is married. Sorry, but you are in the wrong as much as he is.
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Reply Sat 13 Feb, 2016 12:23 pm
Still sounds emotionally manipulative, and that's abusive. His wife drama isn't your problem. If this were me, I'd change my number AGAIN, and not give it to HIM. Also, get of FB, if she's stalking you, and only allow friends to see your stuff on your settings if you stay on. In her mind, He is HER'S. He "was going to" divorce her, but never got around to it? He can't sexually function? What are you holding ON to, exactly? Bottom line...He's not available...for whatever lame reason. I'd go no contact until at LEAST he could show you FINALIZED divorce papers. If you're hot, young, and professional, you KNOW there is no shortage of great, available men to be with. My guess is SHE is not "just crazy, " but that there has been some real mind ******* going on with this guy. SHE could go full "Betty Broderick" (famous San Diego housewife, who flipped out, and shot her ex husband and new wife in their beds in the 1990's) on you, too. You never know how people in a love triangle are going to react. My guess is this guy has a lot of STUFF (MONEY) at stake in divorcing after 23 years. They'll treat the way you allow them to treat you. Why should anything change for him?
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