A possible new friend, but im not so sure....

Forums: Relationships, Self Image, Friendships, Self-Esteem
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im not sure if ALL of this info is relevant, but Ill throw it out anyway. Im female, African Americian, 19 (will be 20 in feb), a graphic design major, love cartoons and drawing, and I'm my second semester of college.

Anyway, I'm having trouble deciding if I should be friends with this girl. It has nothing to do with anything on her part, really.

I have had trouble in the past when it came to friends because I'm not good at voicing my feelings and opinions. Im extremely introverted ( i have been since i was a toddler) so the only thing i know for a fact that works is being nice to others. I tend to be too generous, and easily intimidated by someone with a strong personality. I have a lot of patience when it comes to people-- more patience than most of then deserved. I think it stems from my low self-esteem so I'm willing to put up with people.

In my experience, I get along well with people who don't share my interests, and the complete opposite for those that do. However, there's little personal connection with the former, and severe self-esteem issues when dealing with the latter.

But back to the girl. She shares my interests, and she seems very nice. However her personality is kind of strong. She is also a bit narcissistic, and doesn't seem to have a filter when she talks to people. She also kind of speaks in a 'matter-of-fact' kind of way, but I'm not sure if that is just her voice, or if that is her intent. ( she isn't loud, but I can hear her conversations across the room.) I'm intimidated by her because she shares similar talents and isn't exactly shy about them.

I had very little contact with her when I met her my first semester of college by choice, and so far, nothing has changed. Every time I talk to her, I feel like I'm saying the incorrect things. I think I say the wrong thing because I can't read people's minds. (and no one is going to give me a score sheet on my conversation skills. D: ) I often over analyze every conversation I've ever had and pick out what I think wasn't correct. That's always how I feel when I talk to everyone, but when I'm intimidated by a person, it happens more often.

I guess what I'm trying to say is....I'd like opinions on my situation, and what I should do. Should I try to be friends with her and see what happens, or should I forget about it for now and work on myself more?

(Also, I know I ask a lot of friendship questions on here, but there really isn't anyone for me to discuss things with. Having feedback is my best option.)

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@frostfire,

I don't think this is an either or situation. You don't necessarily need to try to be friends with her, but you don't need to forget about her either. You need not be friends with everyone you meet. In other words, be considerate toward her (say hello when you cross paths with her, be sociable if you have something to talk about, etc.) You know, just be friendly. If a friendship develops, great. If it does not, that is fine also. Nothing wrong with counting her as an acquaintance rather than a friend.

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@frostfire,

frostfire wrote:

Should I try to be friends with her

I don't really understand this.

Acquaintances either become friends or they don't.

Be polite and friendly when you speak with her. Respond to greetings/conversations. Relax.

Friendships develop. I don't think they can be forced by trying.

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@frostfire,

frostfire wrote:

but there really isn't anyone for me to discuss things with. Having feedback is my best option.

the problem is - we can't see how you interact so we can't give you real/meaningful feedback. that's what friends are for. kind of a problem for you when you think through the friend thing so hard. keep in mind that not every friendship is a bff situation. you need a group of comfortable acquaintances and friends, not A friend.

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@frostfire,

You're quite articulate in your thought patterns and over think things too much, a fear of rejection, a fear of someone being smarter, a fear of getting out of your box is what your problem is, in my opinion.

Yes, continue to work on yourself. You are only 20 (almost) and a lot of us have awkward early years only to turn out like a Swan. In that, I mean, actually liking who we are, moving forward, and reflecting both of those things.

Perhaps, look up courses as well for interacting with people and whether on line, or in reality (reality is always better) attend some classes and find you.

1 Reply

@FOUND SOUL,

Would they have courses like that in college...?

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@frostfire,

Google is my best friend, seeking answers is also a quest of mine, no matter how old you are.

I am in Australia, so I doubt I am the person to answer that question but I do think it's a good solution for you. No different than an awkward 10 year old that needs communication skills to help him/her, that parents organise.

Ask your College, google, seek....

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@ehBeth,

What I meant was, um...

Well, usually when someone wants to talk to me more and possibly be friends they often try to sit with, ask me to do a project, or me or engage me in conversation. Its a little awkward to me, but I'm nice anyway and let them sit or talk to them. All I have done is talk to her now and then.

I've never been the first one to make a move when it came to going from acquaintance to friend, so I was asking should I make an effort when I said 'try to be friends'.

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@frostfire,

I've described myself on a2k as growing from shy, amazingly shy and self absorbed, to looking around and understanding others (no, not always, even now, but sometimes I understand others more than others do), and would like to find where I described that, but I don't tend to save my own posts and there are a lot of them.

So, in short - reading helped me understand others, before I began to on my own. That can depend on what you read, I suppose, but even back then I read a lot of stuff.
Working when I turned sixteen, in a hospital, helped me. At first I was a watcher, but there was no time for shy re tasks to be done.
Then I had friends I'd never even guess I'd be interested in - there was the woman in the cashiers office who was keen on horse races, and I liked horses and followed some few races, who could guess. She would ask me to pick horses for her coming races.
I also dealt with patients, as that first job was taking tiny xrays after school and on weekends. Patients can bring you out of yourself at my then age, or any age.

The trick is to look around.

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@frostfire,

Do you like her?
Do you think you'd have fun going places with her?

__

Do you live on campus? are there student advisors living where you are? do you have access to student counselling services?

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Quote:

Do you like her?

Uh... well, I don't know. She seems nice, and we seem to like a lot of the same things. Her narcissism and the fact that she says more than is needed is something that is unappealing to me, so she's OK. 6/10?

Quote:

Do you think you'd have fun going places with her?

Him...I don't know. I never considered that. She doesn't seem like a person who would want to go places. From what I can tell, she likes to stay home and spend time with her boyfriend. (Although I heard her say they broke up) either way she's a homebody. I stay home, most of the time, but I'm comfortable anywhere.

Quote:

Do you live on campus? are there student advisors living where you are? do you have access to student counselling services?

No, its a community college and it doesn't have any living arrangements, or homes near it. Its downtown.

There are student advisors/ counselors but it isnt really the whole 'talk about your feelings' type thing. They mainly just are there for school issues.

2 Replies

@frostfire,

I have also found those advisors/ counselors to be somewhat limited, and this was also a community college. Even in school related areas, they were unable to come up with information on what credits would transfer to the nearest four year college.

1 Reply

@frostfire,

The student advisors wouldn't be to do the counselling but to give you a referral to someone in the community who could help you out.

If you wouldn't want to go out to shows/concertst/events/museums etc with this person, what do you anticipate doing with them if they become your friend?

___

If you don't really like her, you don't want to be her friend. Part of being a friend is really liking the other person a lot.

__

what do you think friendship is about?

1 Reply

@frostfire,

frostfire wrote:

(and no one is going to give me a score sheet on my conversation skills. D: )

this is something some types of therapists/counsellors can do

0 Replies

@ehBeth,

Its not so much that I don't like her. Its that i havent spent very much time with her or talked to her very often. I'm just going on what I've experienced in our encounters and what I've observed when she talks to other people.

And to be completely honest, I'm not REALLY sure what friendship is all about, even though I've had some before. Its something I hope to figure out.

1 Reply

@roger,

Yeah, exactly. Plus I never get the same advisor/ counselor. I just get whoever is available at the moment, and more often than not, they aren't sure how to handle any situation, acedemic or otherwise. Each advisor always has their own answers, or no answers.

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I'm beginning to be sorry I bothered to answer.

Understanding people needs being interested in them, not all worried about yourself.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

I'm sorry, but I can't help but be worried. I dont want to screw up. But maybe, this is something I shouldn't do right now.

Also, I found your answer to actually be helpful.

2 Replies

@frostfire,

What isn't? being interested in this person? From here, I'd say stop worrying about it, don't hang your self esteem on it. You seem smart, but not very used to dealing with people. I get that.

React naturally when you feel like it. Read, form opinions, understand that others differ, and most, understand that others play, they can be teasing. They can also have a lot of trouble behind the talk, in their homes or about themselves.
It takes a while to learn that others are going through their own difficulties, have their parent(s) who taught them behavior, and so on.

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@frostfire,

To answer re the older comments we had, for me it was a giant thing to learn about others. I was an only child, moved around a lot, and my mother who I was around most, was shy, so I get you, or think I do.

If you look on my posts at a2k, you'll see I'm sort of a loud mouth. That is what time can do.

I guess my point is relax - and look around.

1 Reply

A possible new friend, but im not so sure....

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