Lies about dating other women when we werent committed

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When I first started dating my now current boyfriend there was an agreement that we were not being sexual with other people and if we were we would be open and let the other person know about it. I had asked him several times during our 6 month dating period if he was sleeping with other women and he told me no that he didnt have time for other women and he was concentrated on only me. I noticed his extreme provacy on his phone and seen a few questionable text message come across his phone at times and when I felt insecucure id ask him if there was another woman and he assured me there was not.
After 6 months we decided to commit to eachother so fast forward now 9 months later and I am just finding out he was in fact sleeping with two other women while sleeping with me and had contacted one of them twice while him and I have been committed. We show as in a relationship on facebook so she must have seen that and contacted me telling me that he had been contacting her to meet up to talk. He denies all this and said he was just trying to "catch" up and see how she was doing. Mind you he lives with me and is on my cell phone plan so I was able to verify him calling her the times he did and one of those times were in October when he went to stay at his cousins house to house sit for the weekend.
He finally admitted he was seeing her at the same time and said it was strickly sexual and nothing more ans he felt he didnt need to tell me because we werent committed eventhough I asked several times. She stated otherwise. To find out for myself the extent of the lies I broke into his old phone (the phone he had prior to getting a new one on my plan) I remember seeing him put the password in once. I found exactly what I DIDNT want to find. He was very involved with her and actually talked about a future with her and being committed to her. I also found out he was seeing another girl and was telling her no other woman makes him feel like she does and actually mentioned getting a place with her at one point. he was texting her while him and I were out doing things together and telling her he was out with friends. I also seen messages where he was trying to go out with ANOTHER woman but she blew him off.
I havent told him i got into his phone, but he told me that he chose me to comit to and that I should let him dating other people while we werent committed effect us now, but it does because I cannot trust him now at all. I have anxiety all the time about this...its ridiculous! Am I over reacting and I hsould just let this go?

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Type: Question • Score: 5 • Views: 1,769 • Replies: 17

@seekingadvice,

I think it's important to be honest about this sort of thing - with yourself and him.

Spend some time thinking about whether there is anything he can do that would allow you to trust him again. If you think that you will be able to trust him in the future, ask him what he will do to regain your trust.

It will be a process for sure. It's hard to forgive lies like the ones you've discovered.

___

I would personally have a problem with this attitude of his.

Quote:

When I first started dating my now current boyfriend there was an agreement that we were not being sexual with other people and if we were we would be open and let the other person know about it.

<snip>

he felt he didnt need to tell me because we werent committed even though I asked several times.

given that you had a agreement on how this was to be handled, his trying to step back from it now would be a serious problem for me

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Im sorry I thought I responded to your reply, first time using this site still learning. lol

Its a huge issue because he actually contacted one of the women twice since him and I have been committed. Thats one of this biggest issues for me right now. He cannot come up with a good enough excuse as to why he did that but to "catch" up with her, but he told me she was a crazy lying B**** and thats why he stopped seeing her, so it makes me wonder why he felt the need to "catch" up anyway if he felt that way about her. Even though I know about the 2nd woman and his relationship with her was pretty serious he still denies it to me and said she was just a friend. I am waiting for him to be honest about it but he just wont. I asked him yesterday to be completely honest with me and right now is the time he needs to just be COMPLETELY open and truthful. He still denies...I need to let him know I know everything a

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@seekingadvice,

You used the word "committed" - did you mean "exclusive" ??- apparently he took advantage of the difference.

How old is he? Guys in their 20's are incapable of exclusivity IMHO.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Yes we were exclusive after our 6 month dating period. he is 35

0 Replies

Personally, I think both of you are pretty fucked up.

He lies, and you look at his personal texts, check to see the calls he makes, break into his old phone (which was never on your shared plan) spy on him putting in his password and more. You have no concept of privacy.

I wouldn't trust you any more than you trust him. A match made in heaven.

1 Reply

@chai2,

I checked to see the calls he made after I was contacted by one of the women he said he never had a relationship with. So when he said she was lying I checked the phone bill to get the truth and im damn glad I did, otherwise I would have believed his lie. Then to prove he lied about the other female, yes I decided to check his old phone, but again...im glad I did because I found out the truth in that as well. I do not believe that to be fucked up at all when your getting lied to over and over again and not sure what to believe at that point. That was VERY last resort for me.

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@seekingadvice,

2 things are obvious incompatibilities:

1. You don't and can't trust him because you keep snooping - though, it's a bad trait...but it's not as bad as his traits.

2. He's worse, because he lies AND he's a serial cheater. even if you were not in a 'committed relationship' officially, I'll bet he knew you were exclusive with him. And he lied about what he was doing with his 'off time'.

There's no reason to trust him at all. Say sayonara to that relationship before he gives you an STD or gets you (or someone else) pregnant.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

I know its a terrible trait to feel the need to snoop, I typically would never invade someones privacy like that. This whole situation has me on a way different level than I have ever dealt with so I may not be handling it correctly in means of feeling like I need to break privacy to get the truth. Obviously I should just get out of this situation because the trust is severly broken.

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@seekingadvice,

Yes, as sad as it is, it's time to cut your losses.

Also, he's a dog

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@seekingadvice,

Personally, he is a dog : )

I love dogs, but only the 4 legged kind.

He's 35 years of age, not ready at all to settle, likes the idea of having a woman there at his beck and call, looking after him as well like a "Mother" figure, and then doing his thing, playing around.

He also is not an Adult. He did not take your conversations together seriously at the beginning, chose to "pretend" he was not committed, only since living together were you committed, yet even then he still is thinking with his alternative head Smile

He's a cad. Time to move on, kick him to the curb.

I understand why you felt you needed to snoop but honestly, it's not worth it.

If you have a feeling, trust your instinct it is usually correct. There is one person for us, in our life, sometimes two, maybe 3 if you live to 90 Wink

What I am getting at is, the moment you feel that person is not for you, you are right, move on, because he's out there somewhere, don't waste months or years on the wrong person.

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@seekingadvice,

I, never the perfect human in my own mind, more the opposite, who dares to give relationship advice on occasion, did once snoop. I wasn't sorry.

Things can be picked up with one's antennae though, without electronic or written help, so I by and large subscribe to not snooping. I'd be a hypocrite to scold about it at length, but I generally agree to don't.

Re Punkey's view, first of all, I oft agree with her, but I've known some twenties aged men to be faithful to me or friends, and we weren't stupid. I'll grant I don't know stats on that.
Adds, just saw Found Soul's post. Huh, great minds thinking alike.

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@seekingadvice,

seekingadvice wrote:

I checked to see the calls he made after I was contacted by one of the women he said he never had a relationship with. So when he said she was lying I checked the phone bill to get the truth and im damn glad I did, otherwise I would have believed his lie. Then to prove he lied about the other female, yes I decided to check his old phone, but again...im glad I did because I found out the truth in that as well. I do not believe that to be fucked up at all when your getting lied to over and over again and not sure what to believe at that point. That was VERY last resort for me.

Naw. Both of you are pretty fucked up in what you've done. One no worse or better than the other.

You're glad you did what you did. I'm sure he's glad what he did.

You're both equally untrustworthy.

1 Reply

@chai2,

You said that already.

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Why would you live with a man who turns you into a sneak, liar and suspicious all the time?

What holds you to him?

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Just our history, were childhoods best friends. He was my first kiss, we lost touch over the years but have re-connected.
I asked him to leave...he is begging to stay and has fessed up to everything while were were in our dating period but assures he has been completely committed since we became a couple and states he was wrong and sorry and will be nothing but 100% truthful going forward. I figured he would profess everything once he knew I wanted him out. This sitiuation is never an easy thing. I appreciate all the advice given here.

Thank you!

1 Reply

@seekingadvice,

Has he made any suggestions about what he will do to regain your trust?

As in, what will he actively do to be different - not just what he will stop doing (lying/cheating/blaming).

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Yes...we talked for 4 hours last night, he removed any evidence of past relationships, he has promised to be open and honest with me going forward and no more provacy with the phone. He hates feeling vulnerable so he is a very private person, another thing he promised to change. He is willing to do whatever it takes to be able to stay and make it work out. I am still asking him to leave for a bit, but depending it may only be temporary.
There are positives as well about him that I need to think about in making a decision to forgive and forget. He does work his butt off for not only myself but for my three kids that arent his (he doesnt have kids). He helps out so much financially and all around. He comes home everyday to me, never out with friends and when he does on occasion go out with friends he brings me along. I need to remember the good things too, but given the situation I have developed a little bit of tunnel vision.

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Lies about dating other women when we werent committed

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