Does anyone know what is happening? Help please

Okay, so I am 16 years old and a sophomore in high school. I know it is normal for teenagers to be moody or feel weird or whatever, but ever since I was able to talk I have been very odd (skip this paragraph if you want to get to the symptoms part). I am not autistic, as I can pick up on social cues and such, but I guess it starts with an ADHD diagnosis at a young age. For a majority of my elementary and middle school experience, I was told I had ADHD, and quite a severe case at that. I don't care if you believe ADHD is real or not, because after medication for about a year or two I broke out of it. Back then, I could not pick up on social cues, up until 8th grade, where it began to matter. I matured, and wholly believed I was free of any mental restraint. But to this day I have an extremely minuscule amount of memories of my "ADHD phase". That was bothersome, but more issues presented themselves. I went through a time after that where I began to make friends (since I had no consistent friendships before due to previously stated reasons). During this time my social awkwardness was at a high, and even a slight touch from a peer in any way made me uncomfortable. I later grew out of this, but as my social abilities very slowly increased, it seemed to get harder to interact with people. I don't like talking about my past at all, sorry. It feels like someone else.

Now let's get to the present. I feel like I am inside a vessel of some sort, looking out to the world, carried by my body. I have a lot of trouble maintaining eye contact, and I am jittery and am frequently tapping, bouncing (subtly), or shivering. My mind is ALWAYS active though ironically in contrast, I have extreme trouble thinking. This includes memory (I forget entire parts of my life until they are recalled, as I cannot recall them myself), or simple thinking, about anything.
Sometimes I pretend there are friends (I know in real life) with me and I will show them things, act differently, or talk to them (usually just in my head) as if they are there. I very well know they aren't there, but I will do these things anyway. I have trouble finding words sometimes, and I will get lost and zone out for long periods of time either when talking or when being talked to. I am what many would consider lazy, as I will know I have to complete tasks but often procrastinate them (in fact I am supposed to be doing homework right now).
Emotionally, I am somewhat unpredictable. I am very internal, as I don't express my negative emotions often. If anything I will act distant, which is not uncommon and is noticeable. I am not suicidal but do experience depression somewhat, more often lately than usual. I have mood swings for long periods of time, similar to bipolar-ness but probably not that severe. I am almost always emotionally confused, unsure of how I feel. I am confused about myself, who I am, what my personality is, what is wrong with me, even my gender (I was born male, but please don't make this about transgenderedness lol).
I do suffer from some kind of episode whenever presented with overwhelming stress (though it has happened for no reason before). In these episodes I have difficulty breathing, a near-inability to think, a heavy head, sudden extreme attention to visual details, and a terrible feeling in my mind. When severe I will see brief green spots in my vision as well.
I hate this feeling so much. I can't describe what it feels like, I just want to know what is wrong so I can fix it and be normal, like everyone else. A major stressor is simply hiding these symptoms from those around me, which I do well for almost all of them other than subtle social awkwardness (typically in large groups or in direct conversation).
The weirdest thing is that whenever I recall any memory, whether it be short or long term, it is dark and blurry, as if I were trying to remember a dream I had the night before.
I do not think I have had any traumatic experiences, although I have seen several father figures come and go, some nice, some not so nice (one as recent as last year). I do not think those would lead to any PTSD, though I am no expert.
I obsess over people and love most everyone. I develop crushes at some point on almost everyone I get close with, regardless of gender. I do not feel much sexual attraction save for very briefly every once and a while. My mind is filled with those around me and I hate almost no one. I am very loving to humanity but very confused about myself. My general state of mind is confusion. My inability to remember things clearly makes it hard to remember what I act like, which could also by contributed to by my feeling as if I were a spectator to the world around me, not the same as my body.
I generally feel uncomfortable at all times and home doesn't feel like home. I think about running away to start life over quite often, and I think about death a lot. Usually my death, though sometimes death in general. I am not a harm to myself or others though, that is definite. I am a really confused individual and my usual coping mechanism is writing and music (guitar). The only way I have ever stopped an episode from happening is through writing. I am quite good at writing. I am not good at many things. I don't really want to repeat myself and I can't really think of anything else. There are definitely other things but I can't remember them right now, so that's how I close it.

Please help if you can, and sorry for the wall of text. Please respond!