Should I live out my fantasies or squash them to not cheat?

I am married, in my twenties and despite some real issues in our relationship from my husband being emotionally abusive for years (he has since seeked help when I was ready to leave) I have some bitterness built up toward him but I do know I love him and do not want a different life partner. We've been together 8 years, i know that deapite our differences and his apathy to provide from jobs to our home, he is who I want to be with. He has enjoyed me playing the role of a "hot wife" essentially cheating on him in front of him to fulfill his cuckolding fetishes. This was all fun for me until last year when I sustained an ankle injury that kept me from almost all exercise. I didn't realize how fast it happened but I gained a lot of weight and in a lot of ways enjoyed my new figure (not long term, I want to lose it) but I realized how very into the feederism fetish I fit. I identify as a feedee who gets off to being fed/humiliated/gaining and so on. After dabbling on some fetish sites, during a rough patch in our marriage, I safely met a guy (a feeder) from one of the sites and had sex with him under the umbrella of this fetish 4 times within a few months witour my husbands knowledge. I didn't initially feel guilt, just more ashamed of my preferences and concerned about my lack of guilt. Maybe I'm used to being with other men due to his fetish of liking to see that. Here's the thing, I REFUSE to tell my husband about this. I know he is not into this fetish and I don't even want to go there with him. Without the same ol' "you're horrible if you cheat, period" argument, is there anyone that has some good advice on this? Should I squash my fantasies forever or live life to the fullest while I'm still at a heavy weight that intend to lose in the near future? Basically, I want to meet this feeder one more time but I want to really think about it before I jump in. Please, no judgement. Whatever it is, we've all done things we aren't proud of.