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Tue 29 Dec, 2015 01:59 am
Please does anyone else have a similar experience? Sorry, this is going to be wordy, but I just can't wrap my head around what happened. I have been living with this person for 7 years, and we were gonna get married this summer. He told me how much he loved me and how happy I made him every single day and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and grow old together.
Then he went to Thailand for a month and was going to be there over christmas and new years. I could not come, but he asked if he could come and I knew he's always wanted to go and I trusted him completely (after 7 years) so of course I let him do it.
I had sms contact with him but also skype wherever there was wifi. He wrote things like he was doing and how I was to plan the wedding and stuff. He wrote that time was flying by and he was finding himself, but also that he loved and missed me.
On christmas day I got a text saying merry christmas my love. And I replied asking if he would be online later. When I didn't receive a reply, I wrote again and wished him a merry christmas and that I missed him. And then 4h later I got another sms. It said that he was going to another island and that he has done so much soul searching and he has to stop our momentum because we are not happy together, that we cannot continue like this and that there has got to be something more to live for, and that he has always been there for me but now he has to make himself happy, and it's not easy to admit but he is not happy with me, and that he will help me to a better life and that he has spoken from the heart.
I was absolutely crushed, I could not believe it. He sent a couple more sms trying to explain. Then he called at 4 in the morning (my time) and then day after tried calling a couple more times and then sent a text asking if i was going to talk to him before he gets back, or if we should talk later. I said when he gets back.
Day after he changed his relationship status on facebook from Engaged to It's Complicated. And put up a selfie of how he was partying with his new friends.
That absolutely killed me. At that point I had calmed down a bit so I called his parents to see if they knew what was going on, and his mother said that he had sent an sms to her as well on christmas eve, saying that he was leaving me, and when she asked if he had met anyone he replied that he had met himself. When she told him that he should not do this via sms he said it was already done, and he didnt feel bad about that at all. At that point I started to worry about his wellbeing thinking he might be unstable, so I swallowed my pride and called him. When I heard his voice, it was not him, I know it sounds cheezy, but it was like... he was talking to an acquaintance whom he didn't like very much, with mild disdain. At that point I realized he felt absolutely nothing for me, no remorse, no guilt, he was not going through a hard time at all, he was not acting out. I could hear that he was not completely sober, but that wasn't it. To quote Ghostbusters, "there is only Zuul".
I know that he was not faking what we had, but all his feelings have evaporated literally within 4 hours and there is nothing left. I realize completely that a person can absolutely change their mind about being in a relationship, but to do it over sms, on christmas eve, after 7 years, and not care one bit, I am blown away. I have accepted that I will have to move on, after talking to him and hearing the new him I know there is nothing I can say or do to change his mind, he has no love left for me, no empathy for me or the situation he has put me in. And it may very well be that he had an epiphany and "found" himself, and that he has been lying to himself for a long time and could now see things clearly, but to not feel any remorse, any attachment or regard for the other person's feelings, and have it happen within 4 hours, and handle it the way he did, it sounds cruel but I thought that he has lost his mind, like someone just flipped a switch.
When I think back, he has been acting rather strange for the past year, and I think now he might be bipolar, but maybe I am just imagining it, I am not a doctor so...
Please, if anyone has been in a similar situation, please share your story, I need to get some sort of closure on this so I can move on.
@JustAverage,
Congratulations for finding out what a cruel, self-centred loser this guy really is before you had kids and a mortgage with him (I hope). I'm tempted to help you plot your revenge but really you should deal with practical issues first (joint bills, rent etc) and then move on. Take the upper hand. Don't try and get him back, don't beg and plead for answers. Just tell him you're glad you've finally realised what a bastard he is and toss all his stuff on the front lawn.
My best friend was dumped by her husband when they were living in Japan. He was the main breadwinner and just up and went back to the US without warning - leaving her with all the bills. She stayed there another 6 months during which time she worked out the pin number to a bank account which he wasn't taking money out of but that had a regular income going in. The day she left the country she withdrew everything from the account and had enough to come and live in Australia for 18 months to recover. Happily she moved in down the road from me and I helped her recovery with lots of late night chats and red wine. That was about 10 years ago - it still hurts but she's moved on and she still ignores any attempt from him to contact her.
@JustAverage,
He's probably not bi-polar. no sense looking for excuses for him. He's just a common garden-variety asshole.
Sorry that you had to experience such a painful life lesson. He was a manipulator and to break up with you in such a merciless way is unjustifiable and cruel.
You'll have to move on. Break off all ties and get rid of all email and social media contacts.
Heal yourself. After you heal - in time, you'll find much better. The best revenge is to live your life fully.
@JustAverage,
I have nothing else to add after the good advice above.
He is a loser and as much as it hurts, it is better to get rid of him now. Anyone who can break up after such a close relationship this way deserves no more of your thoughts.
Just look at 2016 as the year to be focused on you. There is nothing wrong with him other than being a self absorbed idiot and you are better rid of that baggage.
As a note - not that my break up was like that -- but I had been with a man for 7 years - we split -- and within a year (without looking for it -- believe me that was the last thing I was looking for) - I met a man while on vacation, we ended up marrying a year later and am now married 19 years with two kids. So you never know.
Thank you all for your advice. You are totally right he is just an asshole, it was hard to believe at first but now I can see it.