Mom Cheating Years Ago, Conflicted Feelings & Anxiety Into Adulthood

I never sought professional help for this and because of the nature of the incidents, I have never discussed it with anyone in person, but I have online.

When I was 12, my mom had a fling with a guy at the resort were were staying that summer. She was married to my dad, but quickly bonded with a guy she met at the resort community and they were secretly together all summer.

Though I was a kid, I could tell she liked this guy but beyond the general idea that she should just be with my dad, I didn't really absorb the whole dynamic.

I actually witnessed them having sex one eve when I doubled back to our bungalow because I had a strong feeling she was with him. I had never seen anything like that before (TV was much more tame and that was all I would know), and it really seemed crazy to me at the time. At the same time, I found it compelling, so I watched for a bit before I got scared I'd get caught and took off.

I checked on her in the evenings when I could sneak away for a bit (usually there was evening activity like a movie or other activity) and I saw them making love five more times, though other times I found nothing, but circumstantial evidence made me think that they made love frequently that summer.

I loved my mom and my dad, but I also liked this guy. I knew what she was doing was a secret and therefore probably bad or embarrassing.

I also had anxiety over the next few years as I would more fully appreciate the details of what they were doing - sometimes I'd forget a detail and then something would click and I would realize another aspect of what was going on. I also don't entirely trust my memories of the incidents.

This has been a source of stress and anxiety for me on and off for many years. Recently, I've been having dreams about this again, after not having any for many years.