can it really work after an affiar

To be honest, it sounds like you have answered your own question.

Relationships are like gardens, you get what you put in. So stay attentive and invested and it should work fine.

pay attention to what you are learning in counselling now

pay attention to your partner so that when moments like this come up in the future



help her through those low times

keep working on the relationship over the years

and then yes

relationships can survive and thrive following disruptions like an affair

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it works if the partners work

that's a good thing

hopefully you will gain a better understanding of your partner and her needs through this process. hopefully she will also learn more about you through this time

The advice offered here so far has been good.

The jump-up thought from all of this and my concern, if it were me, would be ... here:


My concern would be focused around why didn't she turn to you and let you know FIRST? What was (or is) missing and why didn't she approach you when she felt so low?

That is what I would be most concerned with as this was at the root of her looking outside of the relationship.

Also, if it were only one time that it occurred in this affair, I'd be a little less concerned but it was 5 times in a month. That seems a bit more serious to me. That's where I'd feel a bit shakier.

Thanks for the replies everyone. We both know and understand or relationship had gotten to a very bad place. I u derstand how easy it is to cross that line. I was very close someone from my past started texting me and we chatted for a while. One evening while she was drunk she text me to come over and be with her. This was about the same time things were happening with her. So I had not been getting sex for a while I jumped in my truck and was about a block away when I pulled over cried as this was not me. I never though I could do that and went back home. I started being a better partner to her. I sometime thinks that what made her go back more often. She know what she had done and once again saw the man I was and how deeply I loved her and would do anything for her. She know she had to break up with me as I deserved so much better then she had been. We did break up I had no idea why out of the blue she said she was not happy anymore. She went to stay with her mom. I keep asking what was going on and finally she told me what she had done. She hoped it would make it easier on me to move on. I did not talk to her for a few days. Hardest days on my life my world was upside down o did not know what to do with myself. A few days later I know I wanted to try and make things work. She was the one I wanted. We started talking and we are still working on us every day. She has so guilt and alot of hurt over her action and I hate seeing it but also understand it. I told her about the night I almost crossed that line to explain I understand she is not a bad person and how easy it cab happen. I take part of the responsibility for the relationship being so low but I also have told her I did not cause this and she picked to do what she did. Anyways thanks so much. We will keep working and I hope it keeps going well. Been 3 months now and I have good days and bad days but more good then bad. The worst part now is this sumer we did have some really good times but the memories of them are now sad to me as I know this had already happened and it just fells fake.

I think you are finding that yes, it really can work after an affair, if people actively choose to forgive and not torture themselves and become bitter or self-centered. It's helpful that you are empathetic, having nearly had a rendezvous yourself. The work involved requires you to actively chase out the images that come to mind from time to time and also to go ahead and give yourself permission to appreciate the seeming good times you did have together during that questioning period. I understand the sense of those times being fake when you look back. I'm just wondering if you can see it a different way. Not fake and not real... but just a challenging time and you both decided to face the challenge and overcome it together. Try to keep seeing things through compassionate filters. I'm proud of both of you. It's so tempting to demonize the one having the affair... until one finds themselves in those shoes. Never say never unless you want to find yourself learning the hard way how to have grace for others.

Personally i don't agree. Gardens can be attacked by many outside factors, and you can lose plants. As an avid gardener, I know this. I simply could not forgive my ex; and I refused to live in suspicion every time he left the house. He is still trying to get back together, but I told him it will never happen. I have no time for a 52 year old 16 year old, if you get what I mean.

Yes, it can work after an affair. But it wouldn't have worked for my husband and me, had we not both sought to get healthy and honest. I agreed to tell him whatever he wanted to know, and, wisely, he chose not to ask everything. It took me a while to detox from the weird, almost addictive aspects of being with that other man, but really, he wasn't a good man. My husband is a good man, and I am DAMNED lucky he loved me enough to fix what was wrong with us. It really was an issue of their being an existing problem, and not just ME acting out, and HIM being the victim. I still feel so sad about how it hurt him, and I chose to make a living amends to him, by never ******* doing that again. It's been 2 years, and we're actually better than ever. I am very grateful, and don't feel "at risk" of ever straying, again. He also is "present" in the relationship, now. We are happy.

Same here . I cant forgive him and i will never forget what he did. I have no time for his bullshit!

just let her go away.. take her away from your life you cant trust her anymore.. she can do this thing again..

Don't they just make you sick with their lies? It would be funny if you saw the same scenario on a sitcom, but IRL is just pathetic.