normal gay man; why no relationship in 49 years

Hi dov1953,

Gosh, could be anything. One of the first things I think of is that maybe he has and just didn't tell you. Or that he's not interested in a relationship.

If I may go off subject, and if this is not OK, ignore it, as it's purely idle curiousity, we've had several questions in the "Relationships and Marriages" category from newcomers lately, which is great! I'm just idly curious about how you found A2K.

If he is looking for advice on how to meet some nice guys, there's a ton of online services, many of them perfectly decent (i.e. relationship-oriented, not just hook-up-oriented.)

There are some people who simply do not invite intimacy, either by design or from arrested development. Have you ever tried to work with him to get to the core of the problem?

Some people are uncomfortable with intimacy, it threatens their security and creates a vulnerability for them.

How does he know he's gay if he's never had a relationship?

I think you ought to have a heart-to-heart with him, and see how he feels about it. You may be surprised by the answers.

How do you know that your brother is gay? Has he ever discussed it with you? When you say that "you see that it bothers him a lot", what do you mean? Does he discuss his sexual preferences with you?

There are some people who have sexual feelings towards people of the same sex, but don't act upon them. There are many reasons for this. fear of intimacy is one that has been mentioned. Not finding the right partner is another.

I think that another aspect that has not been mentioned is the unwillingness to assume a lifestyle that is not totally accepted by society. A religious upbringing that disdained homosexuality might cause a conflict, whereby the person would rather have no intimacy, rather than face the wrath of his church.

I think that we would have to know more, before we could give you any intelligent advice!

A stab in the dark here from me....
Maybe he fell pretty hard for someone in a short time frame and was severely hurt by the experience to not want to try again. He could be still pining for that person.
It happens all the time, whether youre gay, straight or candy apple red. And as a result of this, might find the fact that he is gay and how much flack one can be subjected to because of it, a big turn off in telling anybody how he feels - not wanting to be ridiculed (I am not saying that you do - Im guessing you dont), when all he wants is someone to listen and be there.

Thank you all for your answers. To cover a few of them; I know he has had excessive sex in the last 30 years but sex more than once with the same person only twice. He tells me everything and I know him as well as anyone can because I have known him for about 50 years. He has been burned about 5 times that hurt him deeply but he is constantly telling me he is very resilient and a romantic. We talk very intimately so I know all this. I have seen his heart broken for decades and there doesn't seem to be anything he or I can do. I think deep in his heart he feels that because he is "an ounce or more over-weight", then by the standards of the gay community he is "invisible". Please, is there anything I can tell him to comfort him?

This might seem facetious, but really, you may want to write to Dan Savage, author of the advice column "Savage Love". He can be quite acerbic but also has resources up the wazoo. Email:

[email protected]

This is IF your brother wants that help, and that's a big if. It may be that he's being unrealistic -- does HE want to go out with someone "an ounce or more overweight"? I know a lot of people, gay and straight, who bemoan the fact that they're judged by appearance but then go and judge right back. It may be that he is not emotionally mature enough for a relationship -- maybe therapy is in order. So many maybes. I think it's great that you want to help your brother, but seems like he has to be ready to be helped.

Some people are just not meant to be in committed relationships. There are millions of heterosexuals who have never found the "right" partner. It is okay for a person to be single.

It is kind of you to try to find answers for your brother. Remember, though, the only person for whom you are responsible is yourself.

What's the point.

Similar question.

Fully agree with you, I am 54 year old man, and never had a open relationship. The relationship (if it can be classed as such) I did have with a classmate/friend was in high school. I only came out to my family 2 years ago. There are still those of us who grew up in the age of gay is bad, you have to have children to carry on the name, etc. I still have the same issue, it is fear based and having a hard time getting over that fear.
Still denying myself. Hope he has taken steps and his brother has been able to support him.

Signed
Screwed up