date canceled, how to proceed?

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New to this forum. Be nice Smile

So I met this great girl, Sandra (not her real name), online, and we seemed to hit it off right away. She gave me her email, always responded to my messages immediately, and her answers seemed very sincere. We set up a first date for Friday evening, but she had to cancel because of a death in the family that morning. I'm pretty sure the excuse was legitimate because she had already mentioned, a couple days earlier, that this person was in hospice with terminal cancer. But when she canceled she didn't say anything about rescheduling the date. I responded by saying I was sorry for her loss and that I understood why she had to cancel. I didn't mention setting up another date because it just seemed inappropriate at that point and I wanted to give her some space. Haven't heard anything from her since (it's been two days).

My inclination is not to write back. I feel that if she were really interested in me, she would write back, especially since my message was the last in the email chain. I also feel that writing back and saying "By the way, are you still interested in seeing me?" is pretty tactless given the circumstances (assuming she's told me the truth). Another detail is that the person who died was Sandra's mother-in-law. Sandra is separated from her husband and told me she plans to file for divorce after the holidays. It sounds like a pretty messy situation and I was already a bit wary. Not really sure what to think now.

Thanks in advance for the advice!

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Type: Question • Score: 7 • Views: 811 • Replies: 11

@at-the-plate,

Understandably you're hesitant based on what seems some legitimate circumstances.

If it were me, I'd send her a short note in the next week and just say, your sympathies again. also you might write that you understand how busy you must be. Please let me know when you can if you're interested in getting together but only when the smoke clears..so to speak. The holidays are always a difficult time, plus finalizing a divorce over the holidays makes it further intensified.

I'll warn you about this part, based on my experience with way too many singles dynamics with the onset of the holidays, fresh separation or fresh or impending divorces -- don't be shocked if she begs off. It may have absolutely nothing to do with you.

My practice is to not date anyone until their divorce is final for awhile...ink completely dry...more than 6 months and preferably a year. That's just me.

My advice is don't send a note until next week, though. She showed interest, but she may be in over her head and not really able to to date..or get involved..despite her desire to do it. They call the first relationship after the divorce or separation a 'transitional relationship' for a reason. You might not want to be a practice test dummy.

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@Ragman,

I agree. I'd send a condolence note (because it's a nice thing to do) but without expectation of anything else.

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@jespah,

Quote:

I'd send a condolence note (because it's a nice thing to do) but without expectation of anything else.

I agree, and I would confine the message to condolences only, and definitely not raise, even obliquely, the matter of dating possibilities.

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When I was a teenager, I got dumped by a slightly older woman who told me out of the blue that her former fiancée, (who she had never mentioned before) was coming out of hospital where he had been for six months. He had tried to commit suicide by shooting but the bullet had not killed him, only shattered his jaw which had been wired back together. She now felt she should go back to him as he needed her more than I did. I am embarrassed to say that it took me several years before I wondered if it was true, and I even felt guilty about suspecting this until I met her brother at universwity and he told me she regularly invented stories like that.

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@Tes yeux noirs,

Well neither of us is a teen, so at least there's that Smile

Seriously though, I don't discount the possibility that she made it all up. Or that it's real but nevertheless gives her an easy pretext for blowing me off. At any rate, as I explained in my original post, I sent my condolences after she canceled, and I didn't say anything about another date, so I've already followed the advice given here.

I've noticed that she's logged back into the dating site several times since canceling, which is not a good sign. Probably time for me to move on.

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Stories like that are amazing (not the OP), ...but sadly not that unusual.

Here's the problem...at least as I see it: It would make me paranoid if I were the person with this situation. I think that it may not help the OP to hear the recounting if this. I could be wrong.

I agree, in retrospect,...that a message of condolences ONLY should be sent out. Leave it up to her to continue or not.

People, who are in the throws of such grief and relationship changing over...through a divorce..or so vulnerable that they really shouldn't be making themselves out to be date material.

Bottom line:
I don't think she's being fair and certainly not realistic..

I don't think she's being fair and certainly not realistic..

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It's been only 2 days - give her a break!!

There is so much to do when a family member parishes and I am sure she's way over her head into arranging things and helping out. If you cannot wait for her to respond to you, then wait at least 5 days before sending another email.

Patience is the operative word here!

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@at-the-plate,

If that is the case, and she doesn't contact you, consider that the possibility is that she's doing you a large favor.

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@at-the-plate,

A death, holidays, an incomplete divorce.

That sounds like three strikes to me.

You've offered your condolences.

__

Separately, I'd say that dating sites during the holidays are likely to be an emotional minefield. Take a break from them til a week or so into the new year.

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@Tes yeux noirs,

I wrote:

her former fiancée

Of course being male, he would have been her fiancé. Sorry about that.

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@at-the-plate,

I would give her the benefit of the doubt. A death in the family is a traumatic experience and maybe she needs time to cope with it. It sounds like timing isn't right at this very moment. Show your support but let her come to you when she is ready. If she doesn't reach out within the next couple of weeks, I'd send her another message if you are truly interested. Otherwise, it might be best that you move on and keep your options open.

Relationup

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date canceled, how to proceed?

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