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Tue 8 Dec, 2015 10:13 am
I had been seeing this guy for a few months. Lunch dates, shopping, going out together. Then I heard that he was married.. Me, thinking the person had no Idea what they were talking about, jokingly brought it up to him via text. He replied with a "you had to find out sooner or later". I was in SHOCK. I reacted with anger, confusion, betrayal. I genuinely liked spending time with this guy.
He wanted to still be friends, I agreed. I can't seem to wrap my head around his "marriage", so i just forgot about it. No wedding ring, no talk of his wife, no pictures, nothing. I continued to see him despite my better judgement. He took me on a trip & I kept thinking.. How could I fly with him, spend a whole weekend.. And never ONCE did he sneak away to call his "wife" or anything.
For a while I even convinced myself that he was not really married. That since I was substantially younger than him.. He wanted the thrill of a younger woman without any commitment. And saying he was married would be the perfect "out" in regards to avoiding the dreaded commitment conversation.
Now, I'm not looking for your negative judgement. I just want to talk with people who have been in similar situations. There are some emotions between us but never anything we speak of. Just going out, having a good time. I would never want his wife to find out & I would certainly never want him to leave her. Is it wrong to still want to see him?
@Anonj321,
Anonj321 wrote: There are some emotions between us but never anything we speak of.
if you don't talk about it, you do not know what his emotions/feelings are
___
you are trying to date someone who is committed - legally - to someone else
___
Is there a reason you are not good enough to be in a relationship with someone who is committed to you?
@ehBeth,
We have no talked directly about emotions, but he was told me that he cares very much about me, etc. & he shows it in his actions.
I am honestly just living my life and not worrying about a commitment at this stage in my life. I have too much going on.
@Anonj321,
Why did it upset you when you found out he was married?
If you don't want a commitment, why would that matter?
@Anonj321,
Here is a similar story --- completely different reaction though and outcome after finding out the slime ball was married --- work colleague, a little bit older guy, young single girl first job innocent virgin; dated the guy, slept with him, then one day upon answering the phone (was part of the job) the woman on the other asked to speak with this slime ball, then asked who should I say is calling --- his wife. Never had a clue -- relationship ended.
Who in their right mind would want any sort of relationship with someone who already deceived them? You are young and naivee and he is taking advantage of you.
Do you care about other people? Maybe this is why it is bothering you --- knowing his wife quite possibly does not know about you and he is deceiving and hurting her --- maybe there are kids involved? You don't seem to know anything about his real personal life -- would you feel bad if you were not only contributing to a woman being cheated on -- but hurting young children as well?
@Anonj321,
Quote:Is it wrong to still want to see him?
Yes. But you already know that.
Ask yourself this. If he were your husband and sneaking off with some hussy behind your back, would you be happy? If the answer is no (and I think it is) then why would you willingly be someone elses piece on the side?
@CoastalRat,
CoastalRat wrote: If he were your husband and sneaking off with some hussy behind your back
we don't know that's happening
we don't know anything about what is happening within the marriage - what the relationship is, what the agreements are
@ehBeth,
True, we don't. But obviously neither does she. I guess she could ask him if his wife is ok with the two of them screwing around, but my guess is he would simply lie and tell her he has her permission. Now maybe she can have his wife write her a permission slip to screw her husband, but since that can be written by anyone, that would not be reliable.
But since there is a remote possibility that they have an open marriage, I will alter what I wrote. She should ask to meet his wife in order to ascertain whether she is fine with him screwing her. Just a nice little discussion among the three of them over lunch. If his wife is fine with it, then have at it. No need to be concerned that he is married.
Somehow I doubt he would be agreeable to making the introduction. If so, then my previous post stands.
@CoastalRat,
I have a few friends in open relationships/marriages. There are no lunches with other parties - at least with the couples I know.
He didn't seem to be surprised when she discovered he was married - no indication he thought it was some kind of secret.
Maybe he's setting the OP up for a poly relationship. We don't know.
@ehBeth,
I was upset when I found out he was married because I was lied to. That's a pretty big thing to lie about and hide. And I enjoyed my time with him so after I found out, I knew it would have to stop.
I never said anything about sex. We had only been seeing each other for a month or so when I found out. I know his wife does not know. So my question was should I stop seeing him, even though it's just a nice friendship where we get lunch, meet for an afternoon drink, etc? since there is a little bit of emotions there. I feel like he should be allowed to have female friends, but at the same time if his wife doesn't know, is it terrible to have a platonic friendship?
@Anonj321,
I think you know the answer. I think you ae being taking advantaged of .. believe it or not as hard as coastal rat is being he is in your best interest. This guy is taking advantage of your you and his wife. From whati am guessing of you... you seem to be caring and thus are worried or concerned of this situation.
You need to think..is this guy worth compromising my values...would I want to have a relationship with a man so willing to cheat on someone he gave marriage voes to....just remember he gave promises to one woman if you were to get to this point how wold you ever be able to truse him?
@Linkat,
So going out for lunch & such is being taken advantage of?
@Anonj321,
Did he tell you he was single?
@Anonj321,
Anonj321 wrote: I know his wife does not know.
did he ask you not to contact him at home? did he ask you to keep your friendship a secret?
@Anonj321,
Talking about how much he cares for your.....your own words...while he is married.... just trying to help...your choice ...having a relationship with a guy that is pretty much ignoring his wife is a good choice....why? HAve you found out if their are any children involved?
Your choice now...you are young dump the idiot and find a cute hot guy with no baggage.
@ehBeth,
He had explained to me that he's divorced (which he is, from his first wife). So all I knew of was his ex. He did not make it known that he was married again (they apparently got married a few months before he met me). He has not asked me not to contact him at home & he's never asked to keep it a secret.
@Linkat,
He has 16yr old son with his ex wife. I mean I could see how I could genuinely care for someone while in a relationship. His marriage is completely fine, to my knowledge. We just enjoy each others company.
@Anonj321,
Well this is completely different than what you first posted. You can take our advice or not. But then why so did you post? Sounds like you have your own mind made so go ahead with it.
I think you are naive and he is taking advantage of you, but you are free to make up your own mind. I hope you the best.
@Anonj321,
Smooth operator eh.
Explains he's divorced, but fails to mention he's a newlywed.
Why would anyone want to be a friend with a guy like that, let alone share a meal with him? Yuck.
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