Dealing with his female friends

Hmm, that the reason given is that it's not the way you were raised concerns me a bit. As opposed to him giving you any reason to be uncomfortable with it, I mean -- that he and his female friends like to give each other massages, or something.

Relationships tend not to work if core values are too much at odds. It sounds like no matter what, you won't be comfortable with it, you'll just concede. And it sounds like no matter what, he would like to continue his friendships, male and female.

Since neither of you are, strictly speaking, WRONG -- it doesn't sound like he is doing anything that warrants your suspicions, but you were "raised" this way and it is a deeply held value/ feeling that is difficult for you to change -- it might just not work for you guys.

If that's a horrible thought for you, you may have to try your very best to just live with it. Maybe discuss some parameters with him; it's OK if he ____, but not if he ____ (massage, for example.)

Good luck!

How close is "close"?

If he goes places with them and talks to them about important matters, I'd have no problem with it. You should both be allowed to have all the friends you want of either sex. It makes for a healthy emotional life.

However, if there's serious flirting and/or sexual contact going on, I'd have a BIG problem with it.

I have a friend who was recently in a very serious relationship, they were even talking about marriage. My friend's fiancee was very strange about his friends. She just couldn't STAND us! She would yell at him for spending too much time with us, she'd call us whenever he was late from work to see if he was with us. It was a nightmare!

To this day I have no idea what she had against us, it got to the point where we never saw him and only spoke to him when he called from work. He was utterly miserable!!! It upset us greatly too.

Needless to say, they did not get married. They broke up very bitterly and will not have contact with each other.

I don't know why you dislike your boyfriend's friends, all I can say is that if his friends are important to him then you are either going to have to learn to live with them or leave him.

I am, however, very curious to know why exactly you find them so objectionable?

Hmm fortune, to my mind the gal you were talking about was starting to build a foundation of abuse. After all, isolating a person from his/her friends/family/support system, plus the yelling and too much checking up on someone, plus the unfounded suspicions, are all fairly classic tools of the abuser. Good to read that your friend got while the gettin' was good.

I agree with soz re the fundamental values thing. If there really are no other reasons to object (flirting, one of the friends is an ex-girlfriend or whatever), then the issue is inside you. And that's not necessarily a horrible thing, though it very likely indicates that there is a fundamental compatibility issue.

I think you have received some very valuable advice here.

I just have one thing to add: suspicion and jealousy are a terrible thing for anyone to have to deal with. He's already paying the price for actions he hasn't done - so he might as well do them. You're giving him every excuse in the world.

I've got a lot of female friends and I've dated a few girls who are crazy suspicious/jealous...it's ridiculous...

If I wanted to "be" with my female friends I would and I wouldn't be dating the girl I was dating.

You need to find a way to deal with your insecurities or move on - it's not fair to him.

...my two cents...

Thanks, jespah. That explains a lot. There were days, however, when I would have liked to sit down with my friends fiancee and talk to her, find out what made her do the things she did.

I agree with the posters who say if he has already made it clear to you that (basically) his friends were there before you and that he doesn't see why his female friends are an issue since he isn't boning/flirting with them, then you may just have to suck it up.

However on the flip side...
I don't know where you stand religiously, but I personally was brought up/taught that your CLOSE best friends should only be the same sex, a preacher, or your family. For this reason, I do not believe in going to the opposite sex about relationship problems or personal ones. It opens up a door of friendship ...layers if you will... that are meant to be shared with only my significant other. Plus, it leaves you vulnerable at a later date when let's say you HATE (momentarily) your spouse/bf OR puts pressure on your friend of the opposite sex to not make the move after years and years of layers being unraveled (close relationship). This is why the Bible teaches to console in the same sex to avoid those temptations.

This is just my belief though and thankfully my Fiance's. I know there are many who do not believe this ever presents a problem because if he trusts his opposite sex friend, then you should, etc, etc. I'm just sharing another viewpoint.

I would actually say that most of my friends are male. I've never slept with any of them, I don't flirt with them and I do value them greatly. If someone (bf, husband) were to tell me that I couldn't see them just because they happened to have been born of a different gender I'd give them about 10 seconds to get out of the house before I murdered them and buried them in the back yard. lol

But then I really don't like being told what I may or may not do, anyway.

Heh. I can identify with that, fortune.

Joahaeyo, good luck to you. That seems like a recipe for disaster to me -- the whole "meant to be shared only with my significant other" -- but whatever works.

Just curious, what if the friend is a gay man? Or a lesbian? Is it the gender part or the potential relationship part that is more significant? Or are you just not sposed to socialize with non-heteros? ;-)

For me, I view someone who is gay as another person. As a Christian, I'm sure you can guess that I think it is wrong for "living" such a lifestyle. However, I do not think it makes them a "bad" person. My old roommate is gay and we are good friends. That person goes to church weekly, prays, and also views this as a sin he chooses to indulge in. Kinda like the Christian who has sex before marriage, gets drunk every weekend, or whatever else. Makes the mistake and says, "well i'll remain a Christian but this is the one sin I choose to ignore" instead of trying to ask for forgiveness and what we believe "a new start." We're all human.

That can be another debate in itself. (useless at that b/c no one will leave with a changed opinion). I was only trying to share my opinion that was asked.

We have not been in a situation where I had a lesbian as a best friend or vice versa, so I can't tell you how we would react. Most likely, their lifestyle would not be discussed nor would we ever ask about it. Common respect since it would be known that we are Christians.

I'm sorry, but where in the Bible does it teach to console only in same sex friends?

I suppose that when Jesus befriended Mary the Magdeline that he was being.... what.... a jerk?

I'm a little rusty on my religion.

Yeah, I must have missed that verse, too.

I have lots of guy friends as well as girlfriends. Some of the guys are much better at consoling me than the girls. (And I'm NOT talking about sex, Slappy. Sorry.)

Regardless of whether or not you, or he, approved of their homosexuality - would you have an issue with the friendship based on the potential for sex between the two to become an issue. (As is the case in mixed gender friendships that you disagree with)

Jer, what I'm saying is, I don't see us ever being IN that situation. Of course we will always have friends of the opposite sex. They will be "our" friends not "his friends" or "my friends" only. I will not call our best friend Todd for advice regarding my husband's bad habits or whatnot. It's a a slippery slope.

There are several verses that reference a man consoling in a brother and a sister ....another sister because of the temptation it can lead you in.

However, I never said I was great at memorizing verses, but if given a day, I can find them. Tis late.


these are a few articles from christianitytoday.com however the first is from author Joshua Harris.

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While we should take advantage of the benefits of guy-girl friendships, we must not forget their boundaries. If we want to enjoy anything good, we must recognize its limitations and friendship with the opposite sex is no exception. No matter how beneficial or innocent something may be, when we ask too much of it, we can cause harm to ourselves and to others. Solomon passed down this principle using the analogy of food. "If we find honey, eat just enough --too much of it, and you will vomit." Proverbs 25:16

This of course being where he was explaining the dangers in opposite-sex friendships.



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http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/9m2/9m2054.html


"Opposite-Sex Friends, a Hopeless Unromantic and a Controlling Husband"

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For starters, you see your friendship as just you and your friend. But there's a third player?-the tempter himself, the enemy?-who'd be happy to see your marriage threatened. Where you wouldn't intentionally stray, the devil would love to plant seeds of temptation.

The other danger is that there are usually unacknowledged "sparks" between opposite-sex friends. This isn't a problem as long as those sparks are never fanned into flame. When older folks lose a spouse, they often marry someone who's been a friend for years. The sparks were there all along, of course. It takes honesty and self-discipline to make sure those sparks don't become a fire.


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So you need to work some things out for yourself?-being honest before God about what your opposite-sex friendship is really about. Is it truly innocent? Is there some need for attention or affection being met there that would more appropriately be met by your spouse? How honest can you be with yourself, your spouse and your friend? If you're going to maintain this friendship, there can't be any hidden agendas.

If you plan to continue the friendship, you need some ground rules: you and your friend won't meet alone. You won't meet for extended periods of time. You'll keep your conversation from becoming too intimate. You'll broaden the friendship to include your spouse and your friend's spouse and get together as families.

Obviously, in this modern world, it's natural for there to be on-the-job camaraderie between men and women who work together. But it's crucial to maintain a professional relationship, avoiding any intimacies that could compete with marital intimacy.

So strive for honesty with yourself and with God. And be careful.

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Another reason is that we live in a world of poor judgment and rationalized relationships that can easily lead to compromised values, and result in broken promises and emotional or physical affairs. Is your wife going to have an affair with one of her friends? Probably not. Unfortunately, affairs almost always begin as innocent friendships.

How do we handle this? We both have opposite-sex friends. But we don't spend extended time talking with them. We don't share intimate details about our relationship. We don't discuss our frustrations about our spouse. We never meet for coffee or a meal with an opposite-sex person. Never. Is it because we don't trust each other? Absolutely not! What we don't trust is our fallen human nature. If you make a commitment to avoid even the appearance of evil, you will be much more effective in avoiding evil. We don't want to provide any opportunity that might compromise our love for each other and our love for God.

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The Bible declares these words in 1 Thessalonians 5:22-23:

"Abstain from all appearance of evil. And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Each to their own, I suppose. Personally I trust myself entirely. Besides which, I believe a spouse or partner should be primarily a friend, your best friend (maybe I'm alone in that?).

Yes, I am fully aware that guys have one-track minds, I also know how to put them in their place if they step out of line .

The way I view it, sexuality is a part of human nature, neither fallen nor wrong, it has it's place and there's no real reason to fear it, just keep it in it's place. I would consider myself a lesser person if I gave up the things I value in order to avoid the possibility of temptation!

Good grief.

I actually agree with the concept of slippery slope -- there are things that are themselves fine that I wouldn't do because they could too easily lead to other stuff -- I just think the placement of that bar is... unreasonable, here. I mean, if we're talking slippery slopes, not EVER being allowed to have a meal -- or coffee! -- with an opposite sex person is not that far away from not ever being allowed to see a woman without a chador. Not because the man or woman are untrustworthy, of course -- what is untrustworthy is their fallen human nature. If they make a commitment to avoid even the appearance of evil, they will be much more effective in avoiding evil. So they don't want to provide any opportunity that might compromise their love for each other and their love for God.

On with the chadors!

Sorry Joahaeyo, I try hard to be respectful of religion and religious people (I am not one), and also don't want to make other Christians here who I respect a great deal uncomfortable by laying into you. But wow, that's some pretty backwards stuff you quoted, IMO.

I used to have a lot of male friends of which I also never slept with any of them. When my bf and I started to get really serious I decided not to spend as much time or any time with my guy friends anymore, and out of respect for the relationship my bf did the same with his female friends. We both still talk to our friends every now and then, but we don't see them very often anymore and we both respect the decisions we made.

Like I said, each to their own. For me, cutting out friends based on gender would be akin to getting rid of friends based on their eye colour; random, unfair, and heartbreaking.