You've hit on something, Lash. Giving her literature to read. He hasn't said he's tried that and maybe if she sees herself or her symptoms in print, she'll be moved to help herself.
Leaving, or even threatening to leave, is always a last resort. But if she's not willing to help herself, there's not much else he can do.
Or show her this posting.
There are two ways she could respond:
1. Furious that you shared such intimate information with strangers (but do remember we ARE strangers and have no idea who you or your wife are).
2. Amazed that you are so concerned about her and love her so much that you would go to such lengths as to ask for help and get lots of helpful responses that we, as strangers to your wife, would want her to try and find help and/or get better whether it be a physical, emotional or mental issue.
We can guess here all we like what your wifes issues may be but the most important thing is that you love her and want to help her. If she could realize that first step is really not so hard to do - opening up to you - that she could be immensely relieved at just doing that for starters.
On the other hand, with perhaps your encouragement, you could tell her there are web-sites out there such as A2K where SHE could chat to strangers and not be worried about them knowing who she is and ask or discuss those issues that may be bothering her. She could investigate other sites that you do not use, if she is not yet comfortable enough to tell you everything. Bouncing thoughts and ideas off other people, who cannot judge you face-to-face, is often very satisfactory and informative.
Its that fine line......
There's a part of me that absolutely thinks i need to sit down and explain what i'm feeling, what im' sensing........and to a point i've tried....it crushes her and she breaks down completely. i guess i'm afraid of what would happen if i left at that point. That usually ends our discussion. This is how it normally goes....
In a very calm way i'll bring up the fact like...."hey.......can we talk for a little bit? You've seemed so very distant and withdrawn lately. Is there something bothering you?" She'll reply with: No. why? I'll tell her about how we spend each day together yet it feels like we are so apart. I tell her that its been so long since we've been intimate. I ask her if she wants to talk about it." She'll give me the...we;ve been busy, i've been tired, and the classic, "I'm not one to talk about it." My next little push usually sends her over. I'm not a yeller...but i'll change my voice a bit and tell her that we need to talk about this...that she can open up to me.....then its like Niagra Falls. And i'm a sucker for that.....i can't push anymore........so i hold her.....and comfort her until she calms down. She does go see her med. doctor regularly....i may call him and see if we can talk. That might be a good start.
Thanks....d
That's interesting that she does see her doctor regularly. I'm not sure what kind of confidentiality issues there are there.
One little suggestion -- maybe leave the "intimacy" part out of it, just talk about how you are concerned for her health. Not how her health affects your love life, just her health in and of itself. One is about you and how she's letting you down (even if that's not how you mean it), the other is more purely about her and your love for her.
You guys obviously need to talk, and maybe going to a counselor would help do that.
Then there's the aspect that she may need another doctor...
Or that she's already receiving treatment from this doctor and for whatever reason is scared/ ashamed to tell you about it...
The possibilities are endless. Gotta start with communication though, I think.
Heeven wrote:Or show her this posting.
There are two ways she could respond:
1. Furious that you shared such intimate information with strangers (but do remember we ARE strangers and have no idea who you or your wife are).
Option number 2 is very very unlikely.
Keep this for your eyes only.
there is hope...
Hello there,
I am not a doctor but I speak from experience. It is possible that your wife has some unresolved anger issues with you. She may have anger issues with a parent. If I remember correctly she is not an emotional or open person. She may have trust issues as well if she doesn't feel she can open up to you, her husband. I don't know your ages, so don't know how much experience you have (how many other close relationships you have had etc.).
It is a sad fact that you can not force some one you care about to get help when they need it. She may be afraid of learning what truly bothers her. Intimacy is a vital component of a healthy relationship (among many others).
Perhaps as a last ditch effort, you can get some professional help on how to cope with the impact this is having on you (rejection) and some guidance on how you might gently express to your wife that no matter what the outcome, at best there will be some exploration, answers and or closure if she will give counseling a try. She may be afraid of what your reaction will be if she tells you how she really feels.
I have learned after many years that it takes two people to make a relationship grow and feel good...but it also takes two to make it tumble. If both parties are willing to try some tuff love (telling the truth no matter what), it can help heal or help for the two of you to move on.
I hope for everyone's sake she is not having an affair, that is the ultimate betrayal in a monogamous relationship. If it is you will need to work through the pain so you can learn to trust again.
I also have learned that one must truly want to learn, grow and or feel better to benefit from any type of therapy.
Do you or she have someone the two of you trust that you can get some help from?
When my marriage broke up I was crushed. I was determined to find out and take responsibility for my part. Therapy was the best gift I could have ever given myself. I learned a lot about myself. I learned how to do it better next time. I also learned that bitterness (I was pissed) imprisons life and that love releases it. I worked through my anger, betrayal, blah...blah...blah...and decided I needed to feel good about the good parts so I could have a healthy heart (emotional, physical, spiritual) or I would never be open for someone to come into my life.
It worked for me...it may or may not work for you.
Wishing all the best...
Chula
Question about presentation...
Please let me know if this is the wrong approach...its something i've been kicking around for awhile........I wonder if i gave her a letter that i've been writing over and over in my head....to empty my heart and soul to her. See when she starts crying or getting angry...theres so much more i think she needs to hear but she doesnt. I've been thinking of writing her about how i feel, tell her i'm going to get some guidance whether she joins me or not(and that i'd love for her to join me). I want to give it to her and let her have some time to herself to look it over and then talk about it. What do you think??
(Welcome, Chula. Some good advice there.)
I'd still be interested in seeing where a less confrontational approach would lead -- not making it about you at all, just giving her room to talk on her own terms, no pressure and no overt or implied accusations. But I think you're on the right track.
Thanks a lot for keeping us updated, btw!
the Letter approach...
Hi DC,
Your idea of writing a letter to her is a wonder idea. You can focus on what you want to share with her. She then can read the letter in private and hopefully feel safe. One can only hope. It certainly gives you another avenue. I am sure it is difficult for you to stay focused if you melt everytime she starts crying.
I must also agree with many of the other folks that have been sending you suggestions and support. If she is depressed she needs to be seen by a doctor. An anti depressent can help a person to manage their life. When a person is depressed, it can be a scary place. You feel overwhelmed, helpless and out of control (just to name a few of the emotions a depressed person feels).
I read a wonderful quote yesterday, which rings true: "you can't go over it, you can't go around it, you can't go under it, you've got to go through it". Sooner or later what ever is troubling your wife, she will need to face it. Oh well...hope you are inspired to try a new approach.
best wishes,
Chula
I can only speak for myself but as a life-long sufferer of depression I might be able to shed a little light on the subject.
For me, when I'm inside a big depression, it can take a very long time before I realize that I am not behaving normally. It seems like the problem is everybody else and if they would just leave me the hell alone then everything would be okay. Since by disposition I'm a real loner anyway it can be doubly hard to realize when I'm completely shutting people out.
Mr. B. used to get totally exasperated with me and, though our problems were different from yours, he would want to try to talk about things which really just served to push me further into the depression. From my perspective he was adding the element of guilt to all the other life-crap I saw as insurmoutable. (If he had written me a letter like the one you suggest it surely would have sent me over the edge.)
A few years ago it got so bad that there was no more denying that things were going to get better on their own. Calling to schedule that first appointment was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But it helped. A lot.
Schedule some therapy and if she won't go with you, go without her. You're going to need a lot of patience and humor to get through this with her. Good luck to you both.
Manipulative
Dctown - I've come along a bit late to this discussion - but reading the bit about the Niagara falls worried me - you say this has happened every time you talked about your feelings - well isn't that a bit manipulative of her? - she knows now that she can stop a conversation she finds diffficult by turning on the waterworks which immediately makes you stop talking about your feelings and start focussing on hers.
There's a lot of selfishness with depression - you spend all your time and emotional energy focussing on her - maybe you need to become harder and focus more on your own needs.
Tell her, without anger and rancour, what you want from the relationship and how far you're prepared to go to achieve it. If she turns on the waterworks, do nothing, don't react, wait for her to stop and then continue talking about what you need.
Good luck - it sounds like she's lucky to have you!
Good post, dickdotcom. And welcome to A2K!
well read this and feel free to email me for more thoughts
Well, let me try this
I got to tell you most of the women and men are allways deppresed and allways feel left out. Most women and men feel not highly of them selfs i just think you got to show her what she means to you. I mean honestly when was the last time you took her out? made her dinner in bed? watched a favorite movie together? played the game you two enjoy?
i mean if you truly want you're relationship to work take her out. Even though she sayin she don't need help it's a wrong signal it means Yes!!! I need you to help me pease i am begging you. She dosen't feel good of her self because you don't tell her you love her or you don't hold her like you used to or you don't tell her how much you care for her all of that leads up to a big problem I don't know thats my ideas if you would like more of my thoughts please feel free to Private message me or email me
[email protected]
I hope i helped somewhat sorry about my grammer and spelling I was in a hurry
DalTheJigsaw23, those were sweet posts. You might want to edit the one with your email address, though as this is a public forum and there's a chance a spammer could see your address. You can always give someone your email address, if you wish, in a Private Message.
