Hoping someone can help........

Well, your description of wht is going on is pretty short but I'd take her to get some help anyway. She is unhappy with her appearance, cries when you discuss the issue, etc.. Just taking in clues here but she may be dealing with some mild depression....

Maybe she needs help, maybe she doesn't. It wouldn't hurt to discuss with her regular doctor though...

I agree with fishin'. And welcome, dctown2003!

Nice to meet you, dctown. Welcome.

I agree with the others. Sounds like maybe moderate to severe depression, though. For so soon into your marriage, the sex is way off.

Does she have friends, interests, a sense of humor? Does she sleep well at night? Has she ever alluded to any type of abuse as a child or young adult?

Hows the rest of her life?

PS--On the flip side of this: Does she have the ability to engage in a relationship outside of your marriage? Any questionable signs that she may have another relationship?

Have you asked her to see a doctor or therapist about this issue?

At any rate, I wish you both a good resolution to this.

dctown,

What a sad situation. I think fishin' is right. It sounds like depression to me. If your wife won't see her doctor, go yourself. Maybe s/he can give you some advice as to how to get your wife to communicate more openly with you, and also how you yourself can deal with this.

Be as loving as you can towards your wife. Tell her you know she's unhappy and that you want to help her feel better. Try to open the lines of communication.


Wishing the best for you.

Thanks.....
Thanks for the welcome. My wife has become rather lethargic.........she loves sleep. Absolutely loves sleep...she admittedly would sleep 20 hours a day if she could. She runs so very hot and cold when it comes to her attitude, her dealings with people. Even her dealings with me. She says alot, "I just like sometimes to not talk or do anything.". This is normally when I try to discuss our relationship. I do all the work around our place...i cook, i clean, i do laundry. Mostly because we'd be doing it at 7PM on a friday night or saturday otherwise. If we aren't working, she's sleeping in till 1PM......i have absolutely considered going to get some help...for me! To help me better deal with this and to help me decide if she can change. No one can force her. The toughest part is everyone outside of our relationship(at least from what the tell me) thinks we are the perfect couple.....so happy and so content together. It makes it difficult to keep it inside.

Normally I'd say 'leave her' - but I don't think that's the case here. You should get some help for yourself. At least you'd be trying to take the opportunity to help you and maybe find new ways to try and help her.

She should go talk to someone. She has a problem with herself, not with you, but obviously you're going to be affected by it.

It sounds like you really have been understanding. Try a little longer and treat her like a best friend. If you give it your all and it still doesn't matter to her, at least you can say that you tried your very very best for a woman you love. Best of luck.

DCTOWN SWEETHEART:

I've got good news and not so good news. (This is opinion.)

The good news is, she's not involved with someone else, and what she is doing is not a rejection of you.

The not so good news is, she is extremely depressed. She must have professional help. The great news is, with your help and direction toward a professional mental health therapist, you can probably have a wonderful, brand new wife.

Medication for depression many times changes a person's outlook on life, and activity level. She'll be cleaning the house, making love, laughing and getting back into life.

Kudos to you for being so kind and patient with her, but I'm concerned that she may dip deeper into depression (DANGER) if she doesn't get the help she desperately needs.

GOOD LUCK. IT CAN GET BETTER!!

She sounds depressed. Maybe she should see a medical doctor, and maybe your wife would listen to his/her recommendations. More than likely the Dr. will spot the depression, also. Sometimes people don't want to listen to their significan others, but will take the advice of a Dr.

I can't begin to tell you how wonderful its been to talk to you all about this. I married her because i want to spend the rest of my life with her. I have had my ups and downs when it comes to beleiving that it will happen. But i'm going to fight some more and keep trying. At some point i know i might have to make the most difficult decision of my life....but i'll cross that when i get there.

You all have been so wonderful and helpful. It really means alot to me.

How can i get her help if she is so opposed to it. I've mentioned it to her...mentioned the possibility of depression and she gets very very defensive.

Maybe just couch it in terms of sleeping and energy -- that she might be sick or something, and that you're concerned and would like to have the doctor check it out. These are fairly classic symptoms of depression (I'm NOT an expert, but that's certainly what is suggested to me among others here), and it seems like a doctor's visit could get the ball rolling.

While I'm not an expert, I have seen depression first-hand, and the denial/ defensiveness doesn't surprise me that much -- sadly, it has a real stigma, and people feel they should be able to "just get over it" and that it's shameful to not be able to.

At any rate, so glad that you have felt we've been helpful, and best of luck.

Does she have an appointment scheduled with any of her regular docs any time in the next few months? If so maybe you could make an appointment in advance of that and just go in and explain what is going and that you've raised the idea of her discussing it with them but that she has declined.

Then when she goes in THEY can ask a few questions and maybe get her to open up a little. I doubt they'd be willing to discuss anything she says with you but at least you'd know they are aware and have brought it up.

??????

Admitting mental illness is a very difficult thing, due to the stigma.

And, the way you do it makes all the difference.

"You need help!" "You need to see a psychiatrist, because I can't deal with you!" You see my drift.

1) Come from a deep love and caring for her. Not like she's a problem, or defective. In your mind, change your motive to wanting a better life for her, instead of getting sex and someone to clean up. (Not that that IS your motivation, but it may come off that way because of issues in your marriage.

2) Destroy the stigma for her. Get info from the web about depression. It is the most common form of mental illness. It is RAMPANT. Find a print out of the criteria for depression. Show it to her. In a loving way. Show her that you are happy that you have discovered what she has been suffering with, and that you are happy that there is an easy answer for her. Educate yourself, and her about depression.

3) Be supportive. Be positive. Go with her to her initial appt., and any other appts she asks you to go to.

dctown...My thoughts are with you! You can do this!

dctown, my simpathy.

Living and loving a depressed person is a very hard experience, specially when the depression goes from mild to severe (as it seems).

There is a support site for people in your situation:

www.depressionfallout.com

I am a member, even if it's been months since last I visited. Thankfully, I haven't felt the need to.
Gwen, an Australian, is particularly helpful.

Unlike my fellow able2knowers, even if it does not seem like it, I cannot assume she's not having an affair. Perhaps her worsening depression comes from double guilt.

Professional marriage counsel is a good thing to seek. Usually the more committed person is the first one to do it.

It's hard to cross the Rubicon. Harder the bigger your heart is.

If you threaten to leave, will she call your bluff?
Depressed or not, it simply isn't fair to expect you to put up with all of this. For how long? Forever? If she doesn't want to get help for herself, then she should want to help herself for your sake. I guess what I'm suggesting, if all else fails, is some tough love. If she's really sick then of course you can't actually leave her but if she's just in a funk that's become a way of life, she could use a major shakeup. There's only one way to find out.

If you takr her to a medical Dr., she can have a thorough physical. That way, you can rule out physical causes of her malaise. Who knows? Maybe there is something wrong, some low-grade virus or whatever. One way or the other, the door has been opened to her getting help.

dream2020 has a very good point, which leads me to retract one of my many statements...

I said the sexual dysfunction and lack of housework were the symptoms and the depression was the problem...

Could be that depression is also a symptom of a further problem.
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is a multi-symptom illness, of which depression is a symptom. I'm sure there are others.

I amend that clearing things up at the medical doc is a pre-requisite to consulting a mental health doc.

She won't go to see a doctor. DC said this, didn't he? How can he make her go if she refuses?

That's why you were taking such a hard line, eoe. I understand now.

I was thinking he didn't realize it was depression, and was just telling her to go to the doctor as a desperate attempt.

I thought if he could show her literature on the specifics of her symptoms, and how easy it is to feel better, she would go.

If the story is: He has asked her to go, she understands what is contributing to her problems, and then refuses to go...

I would make my feelings clear.

Not during an arguement, I would sit down and tell her I choose not to live my life as it is any longer. That she holds the key to a better life for both of them, and if her marriage is not important enough to her to seek help, I would not remain in the marriage.

I would reinforce my love for her, and my desire to resolve her problem. I would offer 100% support. I would give her the names and numbers of a few doctors, if she doesn't see a regualr one.

I would tell her she has two weeks to make her decision.

If I did have to leave her, I would speak to her family or close friends (if she has any, bless her heart) and tell them I believe she is severely depressed and give them the story. Leaving her could cause her to commit suicide. Let someone know.

At any rate, many times people are shocked into action when someone actually walks out the door. My husband didn't stop drinking until I packed up the kids and left. Now, things are blissful.

Hope things work out for you.