Hosed me down with criticisms

Only one error that I can see: the comma after parents. Hosed me down is a good vivid metaphor.

My parents hosed me down with criticisms that I had not seen the likes of until then, to my utter disbelief my uncle brushed them aside! Instead, this self-proclaimed martyr started showering me with exaltation and salutations. Such resilience and artfulness this man possessed!

Better ?

It was better the first time.

To me, this is awkward and it's unclear to me what you're really trying to say.

you open with a colloquial phrase and then you sink into "fine" writing. Also You use too many words to be interesting and their meanings really dont hang together well.

When it sounds too much like writing , start again--Elmore Leonard

My parents hosed me down with criticisms that I had not seen the likes of until then, but to my utter disbelief, my uncle brushed them aside! Instead, this self-proclaimed martyr showered me with exaltation and salutations. Such resilience and artfulness this man possessed!

My parents hosed me down with criticisms that I had not seen the likes of until then, but to my utter disbelief, my uncle brushed them aside! Instead, this self-proclaimed martyr started showering me with exaltation and salutations. Such resilience and artfulness this man possessed!

Which is better?

This can be stated simpler. with less "fine writing" (that means kind of pompous).

..."this man showered me with sincere praises, all in his unique artful fashion"... ( SELF PROCLAIMED MARTYR,EXALTATION, SALUTATIONS, and RESILIENCE just sound like you're trying to load up the paragraph with fancy phrases and words that do not belong)

That's exactly what I thought when I read it. It sounds like someone put every large word they could think of in there and tried to make it work. It would flow better with simpler language and shorter sentences.

I'm not sure "salutations" is used correctly. Once you greet someone, why would you continue to "shower" them with more greetings?

This guy knew words. He wrote a dictionary. But he still said:

“Do not accustom yourself to use big words for little matters.” (Samuel Johnson)

he he . Sometimes word choices are like paint. they always add color but rarely structure (farmerman book of homilies)

I always liked Elmore Leonards way of saying the same thing. "you aint being paid by the syllable."

After my parents hosed me down with unprecedented criticisms, my uncle had quite surprisingly brushed them all aside and showered me with compliments instead.
_____________________________
The last sentence doesn't seem to fit.