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Found about my Cheating husband a year ago now.

 
 
Reply Tue 17 Nov, 2015 12:38 pm
Warning..... Long. Apologies

I am still feeling in limbo, Trying very hard to give my husband an honest chance to make his family a priority but lately I just feel so not in love with him anymore.

Little back history to illustrate our tale, Started dating at 16, two months into dating i fooled around with a guy from high school. I confessed to it about a month after when my Boyfriend at the time (Later husband) was saying he wanted a future with me. Long term even though we were in high school... I just felt like i owed him honesty.

We moved on to have a very good young adult relationship. Married at 19, He was 20. Bought a house at 21 years, he 22, Had our first son at 22 years he 23... Sex DAILY.... (I used to enjoy it very much with him) But since discovery of infidelity i have done it maybe 3 times a week instead of the usual 7. I take care of myself more often now manually. (So his cheating was not for lack of quantity... I suppose he just wanted variety. I was old news by 7 years.

At around the 7th year of our marriage and 2 sons later, he started cheating. Ashely madison, He claims he never met a real person willing to hook up. they were all scamming some way or another, or were a turn off... He said in the early days he just wanted pictures and an online relationship. He knew what he was doing was wrong he claims, he was just trying to control how bad it was back then. At the time he claims he never thought of divorce... only when he kept cheating and wanting more and looking at me as an issue more and more.... Around year 8 of our marriage (we) at the time decided to try for a girl since we had two boys. (I now wonder why?? He was chasing around on me and wondering about Divorcing me. Which I did not know at the time) I got pregnant at exactly the same time that he met Kate (Or better known as Amorous Jolie by her web cam name.) He fell for the fantasy of her. The affair was online, but planned on being a physical affair when he was sent to California for work. I was just barely pregnant with a third planned child. (This devastates me.) He said he loved her and talked about their fantasy's and lives. Troubles....fears.... He talked more to her about his thoughts than me....

He was always very aloof and not very caring during my pregnancy's. During his cheating he was worse... He started to resent me. He started to think he was doing all the work. (He wasn't.) I mowed the lawn while pregnant pregnant and pulled weeds. Kept the yard up, HE NEVER ONCE NOTICED. I prepared things in the home, I raised two other boys under 5 years old at the same time as growing another. I tried to keep up our sex life, but when he cheated he pulled back a bit, and when he did it was impersonal and aggressive. I started to realize something was wrong, but i could not understand. I was working so hard and trying to understand why he didn't want to help me. Didn't want to be around me. He just hopped on his computer and shut me out.

Around that time he met another woman. I don't know her name. Another scam, but her hook for him was the promise of a threesome in seattle near our home. He was about to do it. it was the thursday before the meet up on saturday when he was going to tell me he had to work. He could have gotten away with it too, but she ended up being a prostitute. He won't pay for sex he claims....

Right before our oldest son had a near fatal illness he wrote a mutual friend who happened to be a poly amorous stripper. He lied and said i was awful. That he was miserable. That he did everything....Seriously NOTHING was even remotely close to reality, but he believed it all then. Just because he makes the paycheck and i am home with the kids. He told her he wanted a divorce or an open marriage but was going to wait till the new baby was born and a little older.... She told him to talk to me. He ended up feeling very foolish for the email he claims. I think its cause he was fishing for an affair with her.

Baby was born about 4 months after the message to the mutual friend. (No longer a friend because of some of her actions since this all came out.)

I found out about his cheating exactly a month before he was due to go to Japan for work. I have been there before, I know about the Massagie girls there. I know Asian women are a weak spot for him in porn, and you know what he was not doing anything to make it possible for us to go. The new baby boy was about 8 months when he was due to leave. We could have all gone, but i trusted him (I did not know he was cheating).... I thought well it will mean more money for the family. Turns out he let it all fall through so he could cheat on me fore a solid four months.

He admitted everything right when he landed in Japan. All that i wrote here he confessed. Past girls. Planned cheating in Japan while he was there without me or the family for four months. He told me he actually planned on trying to have a real relationship with a girl there.....WTF??? He claims he ended up not cheating while there because he was terrified of actually losing me.

I was keeping tabs on him in Japan the shock sent me into over drive. i skipped him, and demanded the computer be on at all times. i called his work, and demanded he call me when he arrived at work and left, as well as when he arrived to his place and Skype me.... It was insane, but i am sure he did not cheat while there.

My gut tells me he read about divorce and he figured he was financially screwed.... opted that sex with strangers wasn't worth it when he would have to pay me child support for three, Spousal support, and we would lose our very beautiful home. A dream, home you could say. When faced with losing me MAYBE he saw the light. He cries, and talks to me about his actions. he is willing to be put through the ringer.... He is now trying so hard..... But last night he admitted that he could cheat again, and he hoped that i would not go nuclear on him in the event that the did. I don't even really know what to say. I am trying my damnedest to get over this and part of doing that and staying with him is some assurance that he won't kill me emotionally again.

I have been suicidal at times, I have lost thirty lbs, and gained every pound back. I have hated him, loved him, and hated him all in the span of a few minuets.

I fear that no matter how much he tries, he shattered the love i had for him. I feel like i am hanging on for financial security and for the kids, and just a little for the history we share. The deep love i used to have.

In the end i think divorce is on the horizon, but i fear i would regret giving up on so much that was good. Anyone have some advice that would be in the direction of NOT divorcing and how to properly reconcile without all the mutual suffering? I feel for him, and want him happy. he keeps telling me he really wants us.... But i just don't know. And i don't think i could handle this again.

We had a talk last night where i talked about my insecurities being low, than if a man swept me off my feet I might be weak for an affair. My husband told me he would not be OKAY with that but would accept it and hope i would not leave him but instead have an open relationship where he could screw around too.

The conversation left me feeling like this is not the life i wanted....I don't have a clue where to go from here. Feeling Paralyzed.
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Tue 17 Nov, 2015 12:47 pm
Counseling.

Figure out why you felt it was your sole responsibility to fix it all. Figure out how to parent your children whether your marriage continues or not. Figure out whether it's a good idea to continue being married.

Go.
Youthinkimdumb
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Nov, 2015 12:50 pm
@jespah,
I am in individual counseling especially while i was dealing with suicidal thoughts. But right now i feel like i talk in circles with the counseling. I told my husband maybe we really need marriage counseling now to work through our marriage or to end it amicably through a medium. It was so hard to say that.
CoastalRat
 
  2  
Reply Tue 17 Nov, 2015 12:56 pm
@Youthinkimdumb,
Marriage counseling NOW! (If you want to try to work things out.)

The only thing I am not certain about is whether or not your hubby actually cheated on you. I mean physically. Everything you wrote seems to indicate he never followed through physically with any of his contacts. (No doubt he was cheating on you emotionally.)
Youthinkimdumb
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Nov, 2015 01:07 pm
@CoastalRat,
That is his claim to this date. Sometimes i doubt that...
Absolutely emotional affairs.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Nov, 2015 02:09 pm
@Youthinkimdumb,
Is your husband willing to go to counselling with you? if so, book an appointment and get things going.

The sooner you know whether you've got an ongoing marriage the better for your whole family.

Don't forget to use good birth control whichever way it pans out.
Youthinkimdumb
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Nov, 2015 02:23 pm
@ehBeth,
He got himself fixed a year ago. No more kids for him, if i move on maybe someday. probably not. 3 boys is enough.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Nov, 2015 02:28 pm
@Youthinkimdumb,
Are you 100% sure he has been physically faithful?

100%

___

Did he have post-surgery testing done?

___

At least use condoms.
Youthinkimdumb
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Nov, 2015 03:33 pm
@ehBeth,
No

Yes

Haven't used condoms. But I did STD check back in January when i found out there was the possibility he physically cheated.
0 Replies
 
Youthinkimdumb
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Dec, 2015 06:27 pm
Its been a month since i posted this. We went through the d-day anniversary. That was AWFUL. But he was there, calm and supportive. I have broken down a few times, as has he. I have a sensitivity to sound (Types of sound) the disorder is called Misophonia... Some specific frequencies can literally cause rage, or irrational anger. It certainly interrupts my thinking sometimes. So he plays A LOT of electronic music, specifically drum and base. Some songs play at a level that triggers my problems.... Up until friday he thought it was just me not liking his music and telling him to either put on head phones or turn it down. But on one morning last week he played it full blast at 8am as i was feeding our boys breakfast. I had an episode caused by the sound and He got so mad at me till i just broke down. I told him i could not be this way. I could not be married since he thought i was being one way just because i didn't like it. I who bought him a 10,000$ drum set and all manner of instruments for his passions. I would not do that if i actually just didn't support him or care... Well he finally looked up my diagnosis and realized i have not been lying. I have not been selfish. Instead its him who has been insensitive again. But sadly i have already determined we are probably no longer a good fit for each other. Right now we are not doing anything. No marriage counseling. No nothing. My new insurance goes into effect on the 10th of jan. We will start then if we survive till then.

I don't know what the future holds. i am just trying to learn to love him again... Not just the concept of him.

I just want my own affair at this point... And that is SO WRONG. (i won't do it... i hope.)
0 Replies
 
remforever
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Dec, 2015 02:10 am
@Youthinkimdumb,
you dont deserve any of that aside from him loving you. leave him and dont ever look back. Karma is digital nowadays. he'll lost beverything
0 Replies
 
 

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