"coming out"

Depends on what his parents are like. Are they openminded and accepting people? Or are they going to pitch a fit and disown him? We have no way of knowing this without more information.

Yeah, it entirely depends on the parents. I'll give you an example from my own family. I have two cousins, and our family is Jewish. One came out to his parents at about that age, and they were very accepting and supportive. However, they freaked out when he started dating a Palestinian boy. My other cousin says they have no problem with him leaving pot around the house, but they would kill him if they thought he was smoking regular cigarettes. It's a tough judgement call. Parents can be pretty wacky sometimes.

his parents are Chinese, so I do not think that they are very open-minded because Chinese people believe in the importance of marriage and continue the family line.

This is a tough call. First, I'd like to commend you for not freaking out when your friend told you. A lot of people seem to think that people change the minute they come out. You obviously know that your friend is still the same guy.

On that note, because he is still so young his parents might think that this is "just a phase". Being gay is not a phase and your friend has probably known for some time now that he is gay. It may cause hurt feelings and confusion for both your friend and his parents. It might be in his best interest to wait until he is a bit older.

On the other hand, his parents might be very supportive of him. And waiting might not be an option for him. I can't imagine how hard it has been for him to keep it in this long. He will eventually have to tell them anyway as living his life in secret should not be an option.

My best friend in HS didn't come out until he was in college. His parents were completely ok with it, but he was 19. I don't know what the answer is.

I am not gay so I don't have the answer to this question. I've never had to experiece this and I hope that someone on this site can offer you some better advise.

I've worked professionally in this field (as a "youth worker").

If your friend wants to tell his parents about his coming out, I think, that's completely okay, since he must have some reasons, why he wants to tell them (as well as he had reasons, why to tell you about it).

However, I would ask him, how he noticed that he is gay - being just 15.


Young gays mostly come (actually I should better say: "came", since I'm not that up-todate anymore about these statistics) here in Europe (Germany) at the age of about 17 to 19:
- with 18 you attain full age,
- it's quite common for 17 to 19 years old to leave their parentual homes and live on their own.

It might well be that your friends parents will be a great help for his future life.
I know, however, of lots of similar situations, where others than the parents have been more helpful.

With 15 years of age, your friend should be old enough to calculate the situation best.

Why does he want to come out NOW? Are you in an area where he will not be made fun of? I am not sure, but I feel like if it were MY son, Yes, I'd want to know as soon as he's ready to tell... but I'd worry about other kids at school making a tough life for him. It's already sorta tough being 15.

Why does he want to tell his parents? Are they visualizing and verbalizing a future with a nice Asian girl and oodles of grandbabies?
Are they pressuring him to date and socialize?

Does he feel uncomfortable keeping such a major secret from them?

Does he want their support? Being gay in high school isn't easy.

He's lucky to have an accepting friend. Can you talk with him about why he wants to tell his parents and what he hopes the announcement will accomplish?

My guess is that this is all new to him. Understandably he's floundering a bit--but then all 15 year olds flounder a bit.

Noddy said:

"but then all 15 year olds flounder a bit."


Yep, they do - floundering for gay adolescents can be very risky - (for instance, sadly, they have a higher suicide risk than their straight peers) - it is great you are such a good friend to him, Kevin!

Can I suggest something?

Coming out can be very traumatic - is there a local gay counselling service, or a really good school counsellor with expertise in gay issues?

Most gay folk I know who came out early when their parents were not very happy about it felt strongly, in retrospect, that having a VERY good support network around them - and maybe for their family - would have saved a lot of terrible pain.

This is certainly something I try to set up for gay adolescents I am seeing.

The old saying is "Never come out to your family until you have somewhere to go for Christmas/Thanksgiving!"

Your friend knows his family best, of course - but it would be good if he could also talk it over with someone who REALLY knows the issues. Counsellors with no expertise in gay issues can be unhelpful, sometimes - eg they get off on the wonders of coming out, withoout knowing the risks as well.

If the family react very badly, he could be left very vulnerable indeed.

I wish you and him the best!!!

I'm thinking on the same lines as Noddy and Dlowan.

I admire you standing by your friend.

An organization that may help.

PFLAG, a parent/child organization for people who are gay or have other similar sexual issues, has chapters all over the place. If you click on, you may find a local org, or at least get the phone number for him.

They may be able to connect him with someone, who can give him good ideas or sources to help him come up with Plan B (the plan where he needs somewhere to stay if he gets kicked out...)

I'm so impressed that you didn't freak!

I agree 100% with what dlowan said. He needs an adult who knows about gay adolescent issues to talk to before doing this. He also needs to be prepared for nutty reactions that may improve after an initial eruption, or that DON'T improve. He needs a plan for the worst case scenario.

It wouldn't hurt for him to join a support group on the web, to cyber-talk with others who have gone through this---as long as he can cover his tracks and not be discovered through the computer by his parents.

There is an impressive web of organizations for gay people--I hope he takes advantage of them.

Tell him we support him, and to be proud of who he is--every aspect!!

thanks for all of your concerns and suggestions. I will them my friend that you are very supportive of him.

I've never known a gay person who, while still living with their parents, came out and it was cool. Just about everyone I know, including my best friend who, incidentally, told me when we were 19 and still living at home, did not come out to their parents until they had moved out on their own.

I've heard several ugly stories of young people coming out while still living at home. As a matter of fact, I've lived through this very situation. My husbands' youngest son is gay and, actually, he didn't come out as much as he was yanked out, at 16. (he got caught) He's 22 now and altho' it's better now, believe me, for several years, the relationship between him and his mother, a bible-thumping southern Baptist, was hellish at best.

I have to agree with Eoe on this one, although others may have different experiences. My college roommate freshman year was gay. When he came out to his parents they yanked him out of school because "they were not going to pay for him to be whoring around.". If your friend's parents are at all "traditional" unless he is absolutely sure they will be okay with it...Let me change that. He should not tell them unless he is absolutely sure they will be "decent" about it, he should wait until he is 18 and has some options in front of him. Traditional/old world parents can be very difficult, and sometimes their responses to things they do not believe in can range from ostracization, to violence, to commitment (i.e. to a psychiatric faciility). He obviously feels he can trust you, and that will be a big help to him. Good luck to both of you and however he chooses to deal with this.

My brother also came 'out' at the age of nineteen.This seems like the best age to confront your parents with such a life changing issue.Why make growing up any harder than it has to be unless it is harder to not tell the parents.All I know is that my brother was severly teased and it hurt me tremendously to watch him go through such torment.I too,was teased quite a bit.People are cruel! My brother is 26 now and it seems that his life has gotten easier as each year went by.He has had the same partner for 7 years! Seems to me he has better luck at love than I do! I wish your friend the best of everything and thanks for standing by him.

I would bet this is a important part of the mix, and thus may be a major crises for the parents, particularly if he his an only son. If so I would suggest serious counseling and back up alternatives be in place before the parents are told anything.

All good advice. Once when my kids were still teenagers, one of their friends, a son of good friends of the family, came out to my daughter. He was at wits end not knowing how his somewhat flaky mother and super macho father would take the news and he simply didn't want to hide it any longer.

My daughter brought him to me and in turn we enlisted the support of another adult friend who was mutual friend to all of us. Together we approached first the mother and slowly eased her into the idea. Then the three of us (including the mother) eased the dad into the whole idea.

Turned out they were great and it all worked out beautifully. We knew our friends pretty darn well though and were close enough to have a heart to heart without being intrusive. I'm not saying this would work in every case. In this situation, would it have gone so smoothly if the young man had approached his parents directly? None of us think so, but who knows really?

Anyhow this story had a very happy ending.

So, the kid comes out while still living at home. The parents, altho' accepting, are not happy about it. Should they also have to accept the kid openly dating, wanting to bring their boyfriend or girlfriend home for family get-togethers and such? How much of a lifestyle that they don't approve of must they accept in their own home?

Well, I mean, if the kids are accepted by their parents - and that's what parents normally do - it doesn't matter, if it's someone from the own or other gender.

Well my husband and I are pretty liberal on the issue of gays and gay relationships. We are pretty old fashioned when it comes to traditional values, however. When our kids were minors, they were not allowed to be alone with boyfriends/girlfriends with the door closed, lights off etc. They knew better than to suggest they have a girlfriend/boyfriend 'sleep over' before a good old fashioned marriage had happened. They thought we were old fashioned. And they have thanked us for our stance since then.

So....I guess that would hold true in a gay relationship too. I would imagine the parents would not want to see a lot of 'familiar' touching in their home whether the couple was gay or straight. All the gay young person has to do is respect the parents' values in that case and all will usually be well.