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Men...I need your advice

 
 
Reply Sun 1 Nov, 2015 10:55 am
Hello Gentlemen,

I will be quick and short. I've been seeing a wonderful man for a while and we've been discussing marriage and we've agreed that we both want to marry each other.
Long story short, he has started his own company a while ago and it's hasn't been going well. He's been very stressed for the past couple of months and I just found out today that he shut his business down. He's also behind on his rent and the landlord wants him out end of the month. I know men want to provide and protect and it makes them feel less of a man if they can't. Now he's pushing me away and telling me I should be with someone else and to move on. He's unsure if he wants to be with me.
Men- how can I support him and what do I say or do....please help.

 
panzade
 
  8  
Reply Sun 1 Nov, 2015 11:32 am
@danielle35,
First
Remove the pressure by postponing the marriage
Tell him you're doing it to help him get back on his feet

Second
Under no circumstances do you let him move in or lend him money.
You have to let him approach the marriage solvent and confident.

Third
Give him time and verbal and moral support and hope he emerges from this tail-spin.

Fourth
Hope for the best. If nothing improves...move on.
roger
 
  2  
Reply Sun 1 Nov, 2015 03:19 pm
@panzade,
I agree, though I had to think for a moment or two.
panzade
 
  3  
Reply Sun 1 Nov, 2015 04:00 pm
@roger,
Roger , I speak from experience.
I had a failing business when I got married.
Pretty soon I had a failing marriage.
I wish I had taken my own advice.
0 Replies
 
danielle35
 
  1  
Reply Mon 2 Nov, 2015 03:57 am
@panzade,
Thank you panzade for your advice, it's much appreciated.

I was afraid that you would mention your second point. As a fixer, I would naturally want to help him fix his situation but I know I will emasculate him if I do.

I would appreciate if you could advise me on your third point: Give him time and verbal and moral support. By time do you mean back away from him and allow him to breath without me? Is me calling him going to put unneeded pressure on him? Also, this sounds silly to ask but what can I say to him to verbally support him? Is telling him that I believe in him, that he's smart and will find a solution, that he's a fighter and this is just a bump in the road, that God has a plan. Is this what he needs to hear? Because this is what I told him last night and I don't know if I should keep telling him this or if I will make things worse. As a man can you please tell me what you would want to hear? It's really important that I don't mess this up.

Thanks again. Smile

aadi
 
  -2  
Reply Mon 2 Nov, 2015 09:42 am
@danielle35,
finally you got a solution
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Mon 2 Nov, 2015 10:08 am
@danielle35,
Communication helps a lot.

Listen to what he is saying... and support him. Understand that men are emotional too and sometimes they are difficult for us to express emotions particularly when we are under stress.

Second of all, tell him honestly how you feel. If you care about him... tell him.

Be patient. Sometimes it takes a little time for these things to work out. I think waiting on the marriage thing is a very good idea, but make sure if you want to stick with him that he understands this.

panzade
 
  2  
Reply Mon 2 Nov, 2015 11:31 am
@danielle35,
Quote:
I know I will emasculate him if I do.

That's very perceptive and on point.
Quote:
Is this what he needs to hear?

Yes, that is what I would want to hear.

What's really important is that this is not about him.
It's about you.
It's about having the strength to support him without being dragged down.
It's about having the courage to let him know you're in his corner but you won't let anything stand in the way of your own happiness and well-being.
It's about showing him that if he doesn't get his act together he'll lose the best thing ever.
That's what it's about.
josephbott
 
  0  
Reply Tue 3 Nov, 2015 12:54 am
For the first time,you get loss from your business.Its a common problem.My opinion is that continue the same business which you start first and bring it to forward.Be confidant man and hardworking.You should always stand with your husband every time and encourage him
0 Replies
 
danielle35
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Nov, 2015 01:43 am
@maxdancona,
Thanks maxdancona! Thank you for taking the time to answer my post as well. Smile

I agree, communication helps a lot although he doesn't really want to talk about things. I know he sees this as talking about his 'so called failures' and doesn't want to hear my positive approach that he wasn't afraid to start a business and that is an amazing thing, that most people don't have the guts to do this.

Our last deep conversation was him asking why I even loved him. And him proceeding to tell me that he's not good for me and that he can't even provide housing for me and that I should really find someone else who can take care of me. Then he went on saying that he made a decision with himself a long time ago that he would never marry (again, he has one prior marriage) and that he would be alone for he rest of his life. And that is what he wants. I then asked him if he could live with out me and he said 'he doesn't know'. Those words were like a punch to the gut....but I can only think that he's saying this out of emotions and fear?! I told him how much I was in love with him and how much I cared. He doesn't seem to get that I would be happy living in a cardboard box with him, my love him doesn't have any conditions.

I could babble on forever as I'm in this uber emotional state so again thank you for reading this incessant chatter. We were planning on marrying this month (now off, I assume as he can't provide). We were just going to go to the courthouse. Both of us are really laid back and I've honestly have never wanted a real wedding: for me it's just ridiculous to spend this type of money (I'd rather spend it traveling) and I hate to be the center of attention. Plus his family is not around so whats the point.
danielle35
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Nov, 2015 02:06 am
@panzade,
Thank again panzade...

Your reply is thought provoking. I need to sit with what you said and really think. "It's not about him, it's about me", "you won't let anything stand in the way of your happiness and well-being".

I know we are the only ones who can create our own happiness but WOW, I can't imagine my life without this person. I've dated a lot but with this man it's completely different. I am so madly in love I can't even think straight.

You have me thinking in a different way...your words are resonating with me. Smile
0 Replies
 
FBM
 
  3  
Reply Tue 3 Nov, 2015 03:06 am
@danielle35,
For most honest men, I think, being able to financially provide for a wife and possible offspring is a big deal. It's a big deal to already have the means to provide for a family before getting married, maybe even before proposing. Otherwise, it feels like an empty promise, even if it's an uspoken one, and there's a lot of uncertainty about being able to keep that promise if he's not already financially stable.

If I were you, I'd back off the marriage plans (as mentioned above) and do what you can to support him while he establishes himself in his career. Maybe set a clear financial goal that he can achieve before feeling comfortable about hitching you to his wagon?
panzade
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Nov, 2015 12:22 pm
@FBM,
Good advice FBM
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Tue 3 Nov, 2015 12:29 pm
@danielle35,
Perhaps spend some time thinking about what he would bring to a future marriage - other than money or love.

Not saying either of those things are meaningless/valueless, but when you talk to him - what are you telling him matters to you?

Honestly, I don't see that telling someone that their love is enough ever works. I've said it, but in hindsight I can see that it wasn't enough for the person I said it to. He wanted to hear something more tangible/measurable.
0 Replies
 
gayan1991
 
  0  
Reply Fri 6 Nov, 2015 10:54 pm
@danielle35,
may be living together...! support each other. makes him feel safe...!
0 Replies
 
 

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