Mistake in Marriage?

reply to mistake in marriage
I feel similar to the way you do. Although, I wonder if I would feel this way with whomever I married, because I don't really believe in 'the one true love' and 'soulmates' and all that Hollywood stuff. Relationships are what we make them and at present I am making a mess of mine, with help from my husband also. I feel that the state of my relationship has to do with me and the way I communicate - or don't communicate and the way this way of existing has left me feeling unemotional. I feel sorry for my husband, but I also feel that he knows I'm not bursting with love and he's not doing anything about it either. He is doing a certain amount of burying his head in the sand too. I am going to go to counselling to figure out exactly how and why etc. I think then perhaps I could explain to him how i feel without hurting him and perhaps we can work it out. I would like to stay married and I believe there must be a way that I can.

baby

All marriages go through these ups & downs. It's normal. Wait it out.

I've been married for 21 years. There have been years when he irritated me something awful. And years when I thought he was the most uninteresting person I knew. The thing is, I'm sure he's felt the same way about me at times.

He's really a good man. The longer we're together, the more I understand him. And the more awful behavior I see in other men I once admired. As it turns out, I got lucky. Sometimes when I get dissatisfied, I just have to go look at myself really hard in the mirror and ask myself if HE doesn't deserve better than ME.

Love is about being there for someone in the good times and the bad. It's not about that heady, emotional, "falling-in-love", "soulmate" stuff. That's a dime a dozen, and it doesn't last. A man who will stay by your side even when you're sick, ugly or hateful is one worth hanging on to.

Re: reply to mistake in marriage
Yeah. My husband and I don't communicate worth a crap. How do you do that after so many years? I'm afraid to tell him exactly how I feel because I don't want to hurt him. I also feel sorry for him, too -- which explains the guilt. I don't want a divorce, either, and I'm leery of counseling. I've also been waiting this out for a long time. I don't think it's going away any time soon.

I'm not looking for 'Hollywood love' I just would like to feel love for a man -- genuine love, which I have never felt. I would like nothing more than that person to be my husband, but the longer this continues, the more I am convinced this won't happen.

Thanks for being out there.

jam

Whoah! u sound just like my wife...
I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one ...

So tell me what to do...
Would you want to be with another woman if you knew your wife would never love you the way you want her to?

Yeah, that's sad. I grew to really not like my last boyfriend (a 12 year relationship). Some of it was quite legitimate, like he spent at least 3 months of every year unemployed for various reasons, and the last couple years he hardly seemed to be trying to find a job. Other stuff was just emotional on my part. He talked too much, wanted to know everything about everything I was doing, and he was very pessimistic and know-it-all, something it took me a few years to realize. It became like fingernails on chalkboard to have a conversation with him. I felt guilty for not loving him anymore, and occasionally I tried really hard to get that feeling back, to no avail. The sex was great, and that's the only thing that kept us together the last two years or so. I am very glad I held out and never married him, or I'd have been even more financially screwed than I was when I finally asked him to leave. At that point, I had two jobs, he had none. He spent day and night laying on the couch watching old movies and eating, and complaining about my kids (who also had jobs)! We were behind in the rent and utilities and I resented having to feed and shelter him while he layed around doing nothing all day. It seemed that was too high a price to pay for good, worry-free sex!
In my life, I have discovered that you really don't know someone well enough to make a lifetime commitment for at least 4 years.
Obviously I have no good advice, I'm not good at relationships. Good luck with yours.

thoughts on rel.
There were some interesting takes on jam's original posting. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that if you could talk openly, jam, and got sincerity back from him, then you would not find him so repelling. Unless you are happy to go on this way I can see two ways to go. Either leave, or talk. I am up against these very same options and it is not easy. I don't want to leave, but the thought of broaching the subject makes me want to run and hide. The scariest part for me is that if I don't get my point across the right way from the start, he might feel hurt straight up and then he is not going to be open to what I am saying, which I couldn't blame him for. (although on a cynical day I think he is good at getting 'all hurt' when I talk because if I start to feel sorry for him, I wont leave and he doesn't have to change). It's just all so precariously balanced, isn't it? But if it were the other way around I would want the chance to fix some things instead of him just leaving because it was too hard.

In my relationship, when I am happy I find my husband attractive in an unusual, sweet sort of way - he's no oil painting. When I am unhappy, he is not attractive at all.

And when I am unhappy it is mostly when I don't feel listened to, or taken seriously. I have interests in my life but he doesn't ask me about them. He says he loves me and that I'm wonderful, blah, blah, blah, but it's just words. If I mean so much to him, why doesn't he take an interest in what I do and what I think? He just talks and talks and even when I'm looking blankly out the window, he doesn't stop. Therefore I can only assume that I don't really rate. It's just the 'idea' of having someone, that he is in love with.

Tell us a bit about the daily grind at your house, jam? Do we have anything in common here? Am I uncovering an epidemic?

b

well personally I'd tell him, because whether he knows or not, u'll still have these feelings,, or lack of.

at teh time my wife told me i was sitting down and we were talking.. i was telling myself that whatever she says, don't take it personally, just listen like a friend, she started talking about her hopes and dreams etc. then said "i don't love you like you love me"

I had difficulty being objective by then though!
it's impossible (well i think so) to tell someone something like that when they think everything's fine without hurting them. Impossible. But I'mn glad my wife told me, cos that was the "red flag" that our marriage is in trouble and we need serious help. had she not told me it could have been WHOLE lot worse.

Maybe try do what I've asked my wife to do.
take some time and THINK about how you DO feel about him, write it down, what do u think of him, what annoys you about him, what did u used to like, what has changed, how do you think he feels, can you think of any external influence that could be affecting your judgement. and be BRUTALLY honest with yourself...

and GET SOME COUNSELLING. i reckon that's the most important.
other than talking to him about it.

Hi guys,

Baby, at home my husband and I are really good at pretending nothing is wrong. I think that's because once we acknowledge something IS wrong, there goes the peace and quiet. I agree, when I'm not happy or just don't feel good, I don't like him at all. I get mean then because I'm so irritated and frustrated that I can't figure out what possessed me to marry somebody who obviously is nothing like me. You mention your interests. I have been writing seriously for 7 years and he's read MAYBE 50 pages of my stuff. Out of about 2800. I like a variety of music, all contemporary and sometimes hard rock. He listens to old music AND NOTHING ELSE. That grates on my nerves. He never comes along with me when I do things with friends. He'd rather stay holed up in our house and never leave except to work. When I feel good and happy, I see his good qualities. But that nagging doubt is always there. Denial is alive and well in our house. He's got to know something is wrong but he never says anything. And I don't say what's on my mind because I don't want to deal with the heavy conflict or hurt him or end up divorced. Actually, I would get a divorce if I was sure that was the right thing to do. Problem is, I don' know.

Nather, thanks for the male perspective on this. Brutally honest is that most of the time I think my husband is stupid. If he's not talking about work, he's rambling on and on about nothing. I don't think I ever respected his profession. altough now he has a very good job as a superintendent for a commercial construction outfit, he wasn't always like that. We started out with me not respecting his profession so that's what I see. I'll write down how I feel though. That's a good idea. Then decide what to do. Maybe I'll go talk to a counselor without telling him at first.

jam

One of my greatest fears in relationships has always been this scenario. The idea of one day finding myself in a relationship like those described here seems like an absolute horror to me.

The only advice I can give on this comes not from a relationship with a partner, but a familial one; Peace and quiet is not good enough. Though it is a frightening prospect to upset a balance which has taken years to develop, the only alternative is keep going as you are. Indefinitley. Maybe for the rest of your life.

Can you really stomach that thought? If you look at the years ahead of you, all those years just stuck as you are, is the pretence really worth it?

Jam, this is amazing because I go through the exact same thing with my husband. I often wonder why we ever got married. We've had sooooooo many problems, and I won't go into all of them, but sometimes I just think I made a huge mistake.

We really don't have anything in common. He is all about sports - that is ALL he talks about. I like some sports to an extent, and I can hold a conversation, but enough is enough. Also, he is very high strung. I'm more laid back and quiet. He talks and talks and I just sit there and listen. He gets upset if I don't respond, so I just say "yeah yeah yeah" over and over LOL. Then there is the table manners issue. I don't claim to be prim and proper.. but come on, he holds his utensil like a shovel! Then he'll wipe his mouth with his finger. God, it's embarassing. No matter how much I nag him about it, he continues to do it because that's the way he was raised. Then we have the issue about his mouth - he cusses so much and uses other words that offend me. The worst part is that it's rubbing off on me, because I never used to cuss until I met him. Then of course, there's the whole selfishness issue. He thinks the world revolves around him because he was an only child. He doesn't know HOW to put the shoe on the other foot. He's very insensitive at times.

I get upset just about every month when my period comes because I've had miscarriages and probably will never have children. He gets PISSED at me and tells me to get over it!!! Unbelievable. I mean, this is something that I really want.. I'm yearning for it. I can't help the way I feel. Any other time of the month I'm fine, it's just during that time that's the worst. He doesn't understand. I wish he'd just leave me be if he can't be supportive.

There are other, more serious, things but I won't go into them on a public board.

I just feel like I am a sweet, affectionate girl, who doesn't get to show it to him because I'm always annoyed by him, ya know? It's like a constant feeling of irritation. We have nothing in common and now his little "quirks" aren't cute anymore.

Sometimes I really feel like giving up. I would do counseling, but he's not willing. He says we know what's wrong, let's work on it. Yet, he doesn't work on it! He says he'll try to fix things but he goes back to his old ways. I'm not saying I'm perfect by a longshot, though. Every time I ask him what I need to change or work on, he says nothing... or maybe he says clean the house a little better. Big deal. I just don't think he gets it.

Whew, sorry to hijack your thread, but when I read it I felt like we could share a lot. You are not alone, by any means.

lisabee, you in no way hijacked this thread. Your personal experiences are valuable here. What you describe is actually quite common in a lot of marriages, including my own. I suppose the trick is to compromise on the day to day things, like household tasks, and (his big mistake) never ever EVER claim to 'know what's wrong and how to fix it', no matter what sex you are. That is controlling, manipulative behaviour, and psychological blocking when it comes to finding solutions for marital problems. Marriage IS work, rewarding work, and those who are unwilling to do it are just not meant to be married. It's not a character flaw, just a fact, IMO.

Yeah, I often think to myself, do I want to die with this relationship hanging on my back? The answer is a resounding NO if this is not just a selfish fantasy for the perfect man.

My husband has his redeeming qualities. He would sacrifice his own wants for the wants of others. Other people often come first before himself. He's defines the term "nice guy." He is patient beyond my comprehension. And he loves me way, way, way more than I love him. I feel his love for me, and I'm convinced that love is what has kept us together for so long. And because he knows (not because we've talked about it) that I don't feel as strongly for him, don't feel passion for him like he feels for me (not even close), he often goes into a desperate mode. The "poor me" mode. I think that's where the "stupid" comes in -- a term born of my frustration with the whole *darn* thing. True, he's not very bright. I do the bills, all the finances, and have to handle all the electronic troublshooting in the house. But I am not brilliant by any stretch. There are also other issues that are too personal to get into here, serious like lisabee said in her post. So just giving up on 14 years of marriage and 20 years of friendship is not an option. I have to be SURE.

I can't have kids, either. I had one miscarriage in the 20 years I've known my husband and we don't use protection (the few and very, very far between times we actually have sex). I thank God for my neices and nephews!

It helps to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. If only there was an easy solution.

I wish there was an easy solution. There isn't, beyond weighing the odds, and making compromises. Obviously, if a situation is unliveable (i.e. abuse, substance addiction, endagerment of children) then get out if counselling and treatment for whoever is involved is no longer an option. Beyond that, I can only think of my now departed grandparents, married over 50 years on both sides of the family. Man, when you listened to them argue, you would think they were reliving memories of WWII, but they loved each other to the ends of the earth, and made plenty of compromises along the way. Ultimately, it came down to a mutual respect for each other as equals, which came in handy when the first flush of youthful romance faded, as it does when people age, or simply spend a lot of time together.

I think that the use of the word "soulmate" in such trivial ways shows a lack of understanding for what it is. I, of course, may be biased since I did marry mine. It is possible to be happy without a soulmate, though, because all marriages (like all friendships) are not the same.

Jam, I sympathize with your position. Your feelings are quite understandable and normal. You deserve some credit for taking into account what your husband deserves. That shows you are looking at this from a number of angles. One thing you have to ask yourself is will your feelings get better? Will you be happy, satisfied, or just plain fine with your life in ten years, or even five? Do you think you may be resentful or bitter (if you are not yet)? Some men are quite content (happy, even) to be with a woman who does not love them. If you do not have those feelings for your husband, is it fair for either of you to stay in a situation that you believe can be better for both of you? He may be quite happy in that marriage, but it also denies him the opportunity to meet someone who would be more appreciative of him.

You have alot of years invested in the marriage and have also been friends for a number of years. Are you two still actually friends, though? Do you think you may be able to stay friends if you two separated? Some people can, others cannot. I ask about actually being friends because if you two are, then as his friend you should think about what advice you would give him regarding the situation.

The lack of communication does make things harder, although I get the impression that alot of couples do not talk to each other as much as they should. It does seem that your feelings of unrest are not going to change and that he is not going to be able to do anything that will change your mind. You do not have passion for him but are still at an age when such things are a concern for you. You also do not seem to respect him, which is fair, but also something that is a detriment to a serious relationship.

Hm...(constantly rereading your posts), I see that you do not want a divorce and counselign is not an option. You could always have an affair. That might eventually peter out and you will finally know what you have been missing all this time and you may be able to go on with your marriage. You may also feel even more guilty. There are of course alot of other negative consequences to such an action but your situation does not seem able to be remedied in "safer" ways. You seem to have an appreciation for what you have, but are dissatisfied, and learning to live with it may take a very long time. You really need to look at the future and decide where you want to be and who you want to be in five to ten years (or more) time.
Good luck and bright blessings.

There's never going to be an easy solution, unfortunately.

Does the fact that you can't have kids put a strain on the relationship as well? I know it does for me. My husband says he's come to terms with the fact that we'll probably never have children. He says it just makes it easier for us to do whatever we want whenever we want. But, I still can't help but feel inadequate. He's the last person to carry on the family name, so that makes it even worse. Then, of course, when we go to family functions everyone is himming and hawing about us having kids. Sometimes I just feel like leaving him so he can find someone to fulfill that for him and his family. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be with anyone, I should just be alone. It's quite depressing at times.

By the way, I'm 26 and have been with him for 6 years, married for 4 on 9/16.

It would kill him if I left him. He would NOT want to be friends after that. His family would not like me much either.

I've considered having an affair, but to be honest, I don't think I have the nerve. I've been away from that scene for so long I swear I wouldn't even know how to send the right "message" ha ha!! Plus I keep thinking, how would I feel if it were reversed. Not good. But if the right guy came along, I doubt I'd be able to pass him up. I'm not a good liar, either. My husband would know just by looking at me.

Not being able to have kids doesn't bother either of us. I'm too busy with other things in my life to have time for them. Husband probably would like to have kids but it isn't that important to him. Sometimes I wish he would just meet a girl and be the one to have the affair. Easy way out, you know?

Well, one thing's for certain - if your husband (and I'm talking to both lisabee and jam here) doesn't want to go to counseling, you can always go alone. There's no law that says that you MUST go together. So keep that in mind - just 'cause he says he won't go shouldn't block you from going. Just get in the car and drive there.

Not being able to have kids is tragic and of course it's upsetting. It's insensitive to not think that it's going to be a problem for someone who wants children to not be able to have them. lisa, have you tried asking your husband, do you want children? Because it sounds to me very much like he doesn't. Personally, I think that if two people are at odds in this area (there are other areas, like religion and basic values, but to have or not have kids is a big one), then it's an absolute deal-breaker. After all, having one kid still makes the person who wants no children into a parent. There is no halfway compromise there. There is no grey area. So if you want them, and he doesn't, then I think it's time to seriously consider getting a different partner in life.

And yes, there are other issues, and it also boils down to insensitivity and lack of respect. After all, any one of us can become obsessed over a topic, but to talk sports to the exclusion of everything else speaks of being unable to think of or relate to anything else. lisa, you may need to sit down and make a list of what's good, what's bad, and what can be changed. And if that list doesn't shake out the way you want it to, it might be time to think of making some drastic changes.

jam, you say some very kind things about your husband, about how he would do anything for people, and that's a very loving and admiring thing to say - but it's hard to be married to a saint. And, as Dreaming said, you should probably be thinking about him as a friend. Would you want a friend to go through what your husband is assuredly going through? Just because he may not be complaining does not necessarily mean he isn't hurting. It may affect him very deeply that you are not as close to him as he wants you to be. I think you need to open up the lines of communication. And yeah, they've been jammed (no pun intended) for quite a while. So break through them. Say, "Fred (or whatever his name is), we're going to a bed & breakfast out of town next weekend. Just the two of us. I've already made the reservations and paid the bill. I've printed out the directions. Pack a bag." And do it. And when you get there, without the distractions of taking care of the house, or any of your families or friends potentially coming over, talk.

And tell him that you're not feeling close to him. Tell him that you aren't sure what to do. Ask him what he wants, and how he thinks the two of you should proceed. You may find that he asks what he should do to win you. And if that's the case, tell him - I need more conversations, I need more hand-holding, I need for you to take an interest in what I do, I need for you to pick up more responsibilities - whatever it is that floats your boat. It may not restore or create love but it should make things easier for you if you decide to stick around. Or, you may find that he's relieved and says, yeah, whew, I'm glad we're talking because I want a separation (or divorce) and I just didn't know how to broach it with you. And if that's the case, then that's fine, too. An amicable divorce is far better than a loveless marriage. There are some people who just shouldn't live together, they just don't click even if they try. Better to part friends and try with another partner, if this is the case.

But for both of you, jam and lisabee, I think you need to act. You're both caught in stalemates and that's just not a good way to be. Time is flying by. No one is getting any younger. Everyone has a chance for happiness. We may not all have a chance for love (I think we do, but obviously there are people who live and die without ever really getting there), but we all do have a chance for contentment, and we all have the chance to try. Overcome your inertia and act. One way or the other, things will come into focus, and that's got to be better than the way things are now.

I agree Jespah. The guys will get over the hurt. Lisabee and Jam. There's so much more to life than being a prisoner in a marriage.