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Friends with an Ex...F*ck love

 
 
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 09:56 am
Yep...I'm asking the age old question...to be or not to be friends with an Ex....God help me please.

My soon to be husband is friends with his ex wife. His said that she will be in his life forever. Note they have no kids or anything joining them. As a sensible (maybe...lol) woman this bothers me to bits! I guess there are lots of people out there that remain friends with their ex's and I guess there's a lot of people out there who don't remaining friends and wish their ex would just die...lol.

I feel that if you're with another person (and serious) that you need to cut ties with your ex. For me it's the proper and respectable thing to do. He should be focusing his needs on me.

At this moment, my man is helping his ex with her car registration..am I wrong but wtf, why can she do this herself or find another person to help her. Shouldn't my ex tell her that she needs to find another person to help her? And it's not that I don't trust him...frankly I don't trust her. And might I add that my ex said the car that he was driving was a rental...ummm duhh it's his ex's car. He used to drive this car but then for some unknown reason him and his ex switched cars. Dammit I'm annoyed...deep breaths...

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for in a reply but I'm really pissed off right now and need to vent. I just got into a fight with my man and he plays the game of not making me feel comfortable about this, he takes this asshole approach of I'm going to let your mind wander and I'm not going to make you feel good.

Anyhow, thank you for reading this far and I know that the replies will vary from 'suck it up and deal' to 'he's an ass'. But is it wrong from me to expect him to consider my feelings and end it? Or maybe I should give him a dose of his own medicine and hang out with my ex.

Side note- I don't want to meet this woman or even become her friend. This would not make me trust her or feel comfortable. I had a dear friend sleep with my boyfriend once, she had a relationship behind my back with him for several months...this is why I don't trust woman.

End of rant...

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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 925 • Replies: 18
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View best answer, chosen by katiekatie
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 10:02 am
"His said that she will be in his life forever."

Well! There's your answer.

Only you know if you can live with that.
katiekatie
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 10:07 am
@PUNKEY,
Punkey...you're absolutely correct! Damn you for being smart Smile

But as a fool in love shouldn't he put my feelings over his. Is it wrong to expect him to end it if I can't live with it?
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 10:23 am
@katiekatie,
katiekatie wrote:
But as a fool in love shouldn't he put my feelings over his. Is it wrong to expect him to end it if I can't live with it?


no. yes.

___

On a general note - were you this man's friend before you became romantically involved with him? Are you still his friend, aside from being his girlfriend?
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 10:24 am
@katiekatie,
katiekatie wrote:
Or maybe I should give him a dose of his own medicine and hang out with my ex.


aren't you still friends with your ex?
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 10:25 am
@katiekatie,
katiekatie wrote:
My soon to be husband is friends with his ex wife. His said that she will be in his life forever.


he sounds like a wise, emotionally healthy man
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 10:27 am
@katiekatie,
katiekatie wrote:
At this moment, my man is helping his ex with her car registration..am I wrong but wtf, why can she do this herself or find another person to help her.


it would be wise of her to make new/more friends who can help her out if she isn't able to manage things like registering a car
maxdancona
  Selected Answer
 
  2  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 10:51 am
@katiekatie,
I agree with EhBeth.

The fact that your fiance is still helping his ex-wife is an admirable thing. This man is who he is, you could appreciate the fact that he is a generous man who does not hold grudges. There is a benefit to being with this kind of man.

I don't think there is anything wrong with your feelings... they are valid. It is good for you to be able to express them. And, if this is really a problem for you, then there is nothing wrong with you breaking up with him. There is a chance that you are not meant to be together.

What I think is wrong is that you are demanding that he change who he is. You can't do this. You don't have the right to do this. And it seems like he has communicated this clearly and responsibly that he is unwilling to change this about himself.

There are examples of good, strong relationships where one or more people are friends with an ex-spouse. Obviously this doesn't always happen, but sometimes it does.

You have every right to walk away if this isn't want you want. But if you are going to be with this man, especially if you are going to marry this man, then you should work on accepting and appreciating who he is.

katiekatie
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 11:23 am
@ehBeth,
Yes, exactly ehBeth! Find someone else.
katiekatie
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 11:25 am
@maxdancona,
Thank you maxdancona! This is what I needed to hear. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 11:26 am
@katiekatie,
At the same time, they will be friends going forward.

That's non-negotiable.

You either find a way to deal with it or find someone who thinks like you do.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 11:27 am
@katiekatie,
hunh

so you were kind of looking for a reason to break up with him

interesting
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 11:28 am
@katiekatie,
I hope if you decide to leave him, that you can remain friends with him.
0 Replies
 
katiekatie
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 11:29 am
@ehBeth,
I'm not friends with any of my ex's. I'm the type that move on and I don't look back. For me they're an ex for a reason and if your still hanging with your ex then you're sending out vibes to the universe that you're not available. just my weird thoughts Smile
katiekatie
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 11:31 am
@ehBeth,
No, I don't want to break up with him at all. I love him dearly. When I said find someone else. I was agreeing with you that she should make new friends and find someone else who can help her.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 11:45 am
@katiekatie,
You agree with maxdancona that breaking up may be the best answer for you?
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 11:47 am
@katiekatie,
katiekatie wrote:

I'm not friends with any of my ex's.


were you friends with them before they became romantic partners?

my way of thinking is that the friendship is key - the romance is just an extra layer

if you're not friends first and foremost, I don't think there's anything to build a relationship on

___


I believe you can end a romance/partnership and still be friends, even best friends, with an ex.
0 Replies
 
katiekatie
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 11:54 am
@ehBeth,
Hi ehBeth, I'm new to this site so I might be replying wrong. I was agreeing with maxdancona about what she/he said. It made a lot of sense and put things into perspective for me. I don't want to breakup with him.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2015 11:59 am
@maxdancona,
I've pulled and highlighted part of maxdancona's post for you to look at again.


maxdancona wrote:



The fact that your fiance is still helping his ex-wife is an admirable thing. This man is who he is, you could appreciate the fact that he is a generous man who does not hold grudges. There is a benefit to being with this kind of man.


What I think is wrong is that you are demanding that he change who he is. You can't do this. You don't have the right to do this. And it seems like he has communicated this clearly and responsibly that he is unwilling to change this about himself.

There are examples of good, strong relationships where one or more people are friends with an ex-spouse. Obviously this doesn't always happen, but sometimes it does.

You have every right to walk away if this isn't want you want. But if you are going to be with this man, especially if you are going to marry this man, then you should work on accepting and appreciating who he is.


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