Relationship Counseling - yea or nay?

First, I have to commend you on taking a first step towards making things right in your marriage (I am assuming you are married but if not, this all still applies). I don't know what the issues are but regardless, communication is the only way any of those issues will be worked out.

I've never had it but I think that a mediator is sometimes a good idea, someone who is not emotionally involved. The point of couples therapy is not to bring out your differences so much as it is to work through them. It allows a "safe zone" where both partners can say what they are feeling.

Any couple that broke it off after therapy would have ended up breaking up anyway or at the very least, one or both partners would have lived unhappily. Differences didn't break up the relationship. The unwillingness to compromise probably did. The obvious (and not so obvious) differences are probably what drew you to your wife/girlfriend or at least made her someone who was unique, interesting and special to you. The same is probably true for her. No one wants to live with a clone.

What happens after therapy has little to do with your therapist. You make the calls. A good therapist will not tell you what to do. He/she will coach you through constructive discussions with your partner and help you address issues within your marriage. If you find that your therapist is causing trouble in your marriage, you might want to think about someone else.

I think that the questionnaire is probably a way for your therapist to open the door, so that he/she has a better grasp at what is going on within your relationship. If he/she uses those against you, find a new therapist.

I wish you luck and hope that you can make this work.

The most important part of marriage counseling is a time and a place to work on problems within the marriage. The therapist assumes that there is "right" on both sides, but the therapist's job is not to judge, but rather to help each individual learn to talk and to listen to the other.

Did you need a formal questionnaire to find out that you and your partner were very different? Does she know you read her questionnaire?

Many relationships break up after counseling because they were built on shaky ground to begin with. Lust can be a blinding emotion.

Change is painful. Some people can't face change.

Relationship Therapy/yes or no
I think relationship therapy can keep a runaway train on the tracks if it's started early enough on, before it becomes the last stop. Many times people shut down when things get really bad, and they just can't hear what the other is saying anymore. This can happen when one partner uses their ability to intimidate the other into submission, by forcefully pushing the others buttons repeatedly. Then there are those who live in icy denial that they have a problem. I believe a third party might be able to slow things down enough for a couple to find their way back to each other, when there's at least a thread of friendship left. I applaud anyone who's willing to bring in the big guns to save whats meaningful in their lives. I've learned some things the hard way, that love is worth saving, cause it's not so easy to come by. One morning my boyfriend and I made up lists of what we didn't like about each other in one column, and what we really did in the other, then shared them. Interestingly, his list contained things he'd like to change about my appearance, my financial security, etc. Mine contained things about his lack of patience, tolerance, spirituality, etc. I knew we were opposites, but we see the world from an entirely different perspective. That's why I think a mediator could help to bring the two different perspectives back into focus. Good luck! Sounds like at least you are ready to do the work....I commend you.

I'm going to start relationship counselling next week so I don'tknow what it'll be like.. but i hope it will be positive..
we're both willing to try to make it work so should be okay..
what did her questionnaire say that upset u so much?

I have high hopes it will be helpful; obviously, otherwise I wouldn't agree to it.

A few things in the questionnaire (I stopped reading almost immediately, it was a little much for me): not sexually attracted to your partner, think your partner lacks common sense, partner is motivated to achieve goals.

I pretty much stopped after that

I hope you have both found good counselors. There are a lot of quacks out there. If you find a good one, stick with it. He/She will help you sort out things and make good decisions you can live with. If you try counseling and find this is not happening, get another counselor.

Quietman buddy
I know how u feel..
I've just had that dropped on me too...
Except she told me to my face so hey...
y'know though.. i reckon that a good counsellor will help us both.. cos from my very limited experience.. even though she says "it's not you, it's me" it sometimes is us as well... but she doesn't know it.

the thing i found that was most unattractive to my wife was the fact that i relied on her for my happiness... and how can u be attracted to someone who u don't respect? but hey, that's me and i'm sure it's only the tip of the iceberg. since i've been more aloof she's been all wanting me.. crazy...
but i reckon u should talk to her about it.. tell her that u read what she wrote and try and figure out why she feels this way...
just cos she's like this now doesn't mean she can't change.

that's my $0.02

Nathor the Wordy

another peice of advice i've been given in the past:
u pay peanuts.. u get monkeys.
i've had several friends who's relationships broke down cos their counsellor sucked. a free counselling session through work for instance resulted in the counsellor saying "you are too different and will never reconcile" so they broke up for good.. depressing isn't it...


But, i reckon the BEST thing for us to do is shop around.. if one doesn't suit BOTH your needs, go to another one...
yr not locked into anything just cos yr paying them to listen to you.

Nathor, I empathize my friend, though face-to-face brings it to a different level. I felt as though I was reading her diary; felt bad for doing it, but curiosity won out. I think I'd rather wait until our next session to see how it comes out; if it doesn't, I might bring up the fact that I've read it and want to know why she feels this way...

The thing is, we're not even married. We know we both want to, but there's enough going on that a facilitator/mediator is needed to get us out of this rut. I agree on you get what you pay for; we're $eeing $omeone ba$ed on a friend'$ recommendation$. (obviously not paying peanuts here). But money doesn't matter when you're buckin down for the rest of your days. Better do it right, eh?

Divorce is very very expensive too and it costs you more than dollar bills. I think it's worth it now.

I understand u feel bad about reading her personal thoughts...
but what's done is done.. i reckon the longer u sit on this the angrier she'll be once she finds out, (if she gets angry at all)
ANd i reckon that talking to her will be better than waiting for counsellor and bring it up in front of them...
but hey' that's jsut my opinion