My boyfriend and I were together for 6 months...but very serious as he is 23 and ready to settle down. Just some background info: he was in a relationship before me for 3 years, ready to marry this girl, but she hurt him over and over again and finally broke up. So, anyhow, we were together 6 amazing months- he offered me to move in w/ him when he gets a new apartment, how he could wake up w/ me every mornign, etc..... but the last couple of weeks we started fighting alot about stupid things. we talked things out and acknowledged things were on the rocks but wanted to work them out. we went out on a few more dates after that and things were really looking up....he told me that he loved me for the first time, and even bought me a $40 "outfit" however, the next day we went out and got into a small argument that was started by my friend...that resulted in him dumping me. i told him i agreed we should break up and that it was mutual b/c really i was in so much shock i didnt knwo what to say. i called him the next day and just poured out my heart on his answering machine...he texted me bakc saying "thanx for the kind words but it cannot be right now." so i gave him some time and called him about a week later to just touch base...of course our relationship came up and we started fighting AGAIN wen i asked how he was feeling/why we broke up he said that he has alot going on personally that he needs to figure out, he's not thinking straight, and he just doenst know how he feels or y we broke up. (he gets stressed like that sometimes cuz he's a cop...dont know if its that, or me!) the only telling thing that he said to me was that when he broke up w/ me, if i hadnt agreed w/ him, we'd still be together. well, after that i made one last attempt and sent him a letter. its been a week since the letter and i still havent heard anything. i just dont understand how he could go from loving me and buying me expensive things one day (which makes it seem like he wasnt planning on breaking up anytime soon), and talking about our future together, to dumping me so abruptly w/o an explanation. b/c of this confusion, im having a really hard time moving on. part of me feels like if he's having an emotionally rough time i need to support him, but i also feel like ive tried all i can...I just really love this guy.
I notice that A2K has added that helpful link www.breakups.com. Other than that I can't offer any advice. I hope everything works out!
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lilly456
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Tue 27 Jul, 2004 12:11 am
It sounds like he got cold feet.
You said he wanted to marry the girl he was with before but she hurt him.
Maybe realising that he loved you and the prospect of you moving scared the wits out of him as he doesnt want to be hurt again like he has been in the past
But 23 to start talking about settling down is still pretty young for a guy. I dont know any 23y.o. guys that want to get settled down anytime soon.
But i think thats what has happened. He is just freaking out right now, he realised he loved you and that maybe brought back a whole lot of fears from what has happened to him in the past.
Either that or he wasnt really really serious about you moving in, maybe he just talked about it and as a dream or a future possibility it sounded good but when it is now coming to realisation he doesnt want to get into such a huge commitment thing, he likes his freedom, or is scared of being hurt and has just pulled a dissapearing trick.
Because when you think about it, i dont know eveyone is different though, if he was in a serious relationship before for 3 years with a possibility of marrying this girl that all she did was end up hurting him, 6 months with you and talking about moving in together might be rushing things a bit
Doesnt sound like this guy is ready to settle down, he just seems freaked out by everything.
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roger
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Tue 27 Jul, 2004 12:34 am
Can't offer anything, Amanda, but best wishes. Believe it or not, nothing lasts forever.
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Noddy24
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Tue 27 Jul, 2004 05:50 am
Amanda--
Think back over the last six months. Haven't there been many small clues about this guy's inconsistant behavior and his unwillingness to commit himself in an emotional relationship?
Your posting sounds as though you made every effort to understand him--and his painful baggage. Did he make the same effort for you?
This is a very painful time for you--but you'll survive and be a stronger and wiser person.
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jespah
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Tue 27 Jul, 2004 10:17 am
You need to take some time and let yourself heal from this. If he calls, fine. If he doesn't, accept it. In the meantime, spend time on yourself. Rather than sitting around and thinking about him, go out with your friends (it doesn't have to be bars or anything like that - I mean, go shopping, go to the movies, hit the beach, etc.). Rather than spending time worrying about what went wrong, do something to improve yourself, such as take a class, read a book, learn to cook, whatever you like.
In the meantime, you will have become a more fascinating person. If that attracts him, fine. If it doesn't, it will assuredly attract someone else.
And I'm with lilly - 23 is incredibly young to be talking marriage and settling down, particularly for someone who has had a deep relationship that went sour, and that wasn't too long ago. Personally, I'm always wary of folks who want to settle down so quickly - to my mind, it means they are in love with the idea of settling down, they are in love with the idea of getting married or having a home or a family. But the love of the partner seems to be interchangeable, as if it almost doesn't matter to them who they settle down with, so long as they do.
But love doesn't work that way, or at any rate it shouldn't and even if/when it does, it inevitably doesn't work out. Love has to be between two people who are committing to one another because they want to be together, not because they want a safe and steady partner.
Also, you mention he is a police officer and is stressed out by his job. Most police officers are, that's nothing unheard of, but maybe he is looking to get settled so that that's one less thing in his life he has to be "on" for, one less thing in his life that he has to be on the lookout for or careful about or whatever. If that's the case, really, you don't need this.
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Scarlettmarsden
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Wed 28 Jul, 2004 02:12 am
Hmmm, hard to say. I mean.... My boyfriend and I, well, I'm completely head over heels and if he just turned around and did that it'd be like a hard slap in the face, a kind of betrayal to me. Get through to him, sit him down, talk face to face, not over the phone. Lay out all your cards and listen to what he has to say, if anything, but tell him you just don't understand whats just happened. Perhaps you already have, I don't know, but I suppose... being patient is good but you need to sort things out. See if you can wrench them out of him.
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Amanda2113
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Wed 28 Jul, 2004 05:57 am
trust me, i would LOVE to sit down and find out what happened...but at the same time, i feel like ive done more than enough "reaching out" to him...ive called, ive sent him a letter...during the last convo we had on the phone i asked him to call me when he had sorted things out b/c i needed answers...he said he'd try. i think he needs space, and im giving him that, but at what point do i say "enough is enough"...i wait everyday hoping he'll call or show up, and it never happens...and its just tearing me apart even more. i need to know what went wrong to help me move on...ive told him that, and he isnt letting me know! i almost just wish he had cheated on me so then i'd have a reason to be mad and move on! but instead, i wake up, check my phone to see if he called, go to work, come home, cry, go out at night, go to bed...repeat. ive been keeping busy, but as soon as i slow down, i feel horrible!
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Sofia
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Wed 28 Jul, 2004 06:15 am
Sweetheart--
You've done more than enough 'reaching out' to him.
Try to decide that it's over. When you thoughtfully make the conscious decision to move on, it empowers you. Involve yourself in other things, girlfriends; go out and put yourself in environments for fun. Before long, your heart will follow your body--and you'll get a fresh start. Your heart will be the last part of you to give up--so you need to control your actions first--make plans even though you don't 'want to'. Get OUT! Also, when thoughts of him creep in--refuse to ruminate over him. Immediately force your mind to another subject, call a friend and talk about something unrelated to him. Turn on music and sing...
Hanging on to someone who has left you prolongs your pain.
You wouldn't want to hang on to him, when he has chosen not to be with you.
He wasn't right for you--but there is someone who is. You deserve happiness. You'll have it, dear. Wait on it.
Please preserve your dignity, and don't contact him again. Since he won't tell you what happened, and you need closure, I'll tell you: He wasn't good enough for you. Believe it, and close that chapter.
Good luck!!
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lilly456
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Wed 28 Jul, 2004 05:06 pm
You know something i did once that made me feel really good about a guy that broke up with me and wouldnt return m calls
I just made myself stop, and told myself "no". I am not going to pursue him anymore. Oneday he did call me and I didnt pick up the phone. THats was the best feeling. He left a message asking for me to call him back, and I didnt.
It was just kinda nice to treat him how he was treating me.
Basically, this guy has left you hanging... with no answers with nothing, and his out doing what he wants to do, whatever that may be, but that isn't fair on you.
What you have to do is to start treating him how is treating you.
I think if he knew you were out having a good time, and not wasting your time crying over him and pining after him, it would actually hurt him to know this
I know revenge isnt the best option, trying to intentionally hurt someone that has hurt you, but its about making yourself feel better right now, and i think going out having a great time, go get your hair done and buy a new pair of shoes or a new top or something to make yourself look and feel better, treat yourself, because he isnt treating you to anything but just misery, there is only one person in the world that will always be there for you when guys treat you bad and thats you. So if you learn how to take care of yourself and make yourself happy, you will be able to pull through anything
Just focus on friendships, they will last forever through anything...
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Amanda2113
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Thu 29 Jul, 2004 05:39 am
i have definitely been taking everyone's advice...getting out and doing fun things....like last night my best gf and i went out to dinner and a movie...in fact, ive been doing things every night...but it still hurts...actually, it hurts even more than before- i feel like its getting worse! today is the official "3-weeks-since-he-dumped-me-day" (i picked up lots of snacks to comfort me during work!) and he still has that $40 garter belt he bought me....think he'll give it back? oooor mayyyybbbeeee he's keeping it b/c he's planning on getting back together...i mean, he cant give it to another girl (EWW!) ---yes, these are the things i think about at my boring job lol.
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Noddy24
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Thu 29 Jul, 2004 06:03 am
amanda--
Right now you hurt. Eventually you'll start wondering whether you really wanted to spend the rest of your life with a moody, arbitrary guy who may recycle garter belts along with his relationships.
Good luck.
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mchol
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Thu 29 Jul, 2004 10:28 am
GGIIIRRRRLLL!!!! Ya'll been together for 6 months and in 6 months you can tell that you love him?? I guess it could happen... but.. not really. And I never heard of no guy wanting to settle down at 23... or 24.. or 25... or 26... I really don't want to sound mean or rude but it sounds like he was just saying what you wanted to hear. And besides girl, how old are YOU? I can't understand why young women would want to "settle down," "get married," and "start a family," at such a young age and waste one of the best years of their lives. I'm guessing you are around the same age as this guy so I will let you know something. There is so much more to life than men and marriage and cooking and cleaning and dirty diapers. Go get yourself an education! Go explore the infinite possibilities out there! I believe love comes along in its own course, and that if you look for love, you will never find love. Love will find you!
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PamO
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Thu 29 Jul, 2004 11:16 am
Sing it sister! That was incredible, mchol....take the advice and RUN!
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mchol
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Thu 29 Jul, 2004 11:22 am
Heehee why thank you pamo! *Takes a bow* And I meant every word of it!!!
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lilly456
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Thu 29 Jul, 2004 04:47 pm
You wont be getting back anything that you left at this guy's house, or things that you gave him or anything like that.
Cut your losses.
You know what he will probably do with it all? Stick it in a box in the back of his cupboard and oneday in a few years from now it will upset his new girlfriend because he wont get rid of it. He will keep it all, and hang onto it...
Mchol was right, you were only together six months!! what you are showing me is that your a lonely person, not in the sense of not having enough friends and things to do but in the intimate relationship sector of your life, and i dont think it is because you neccessarily miss him that it hurts so much but because you dont want to be alone.
Was it your guy that you thought was ready to settle down or was it you in a hurry to settle down?
Basically you gotta learn how to be yourself, how to get on in life being by yourself and single and learn to love yourself and take care of yourself, cos otherwise you will just rush straight into another relationship right now for all the wrong reasons...
I did that once, and i was with a guy that all my friends thought was a looser and treated me like dirt and i didnt have the self confidence to leave him and just ended up in a nasty situation...
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Amanda2113
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Thu 29 Jul, 2004 06:10 pm
in response, he was def the one talking engagement..im not out of college yet so there's NO WAY i was thinking of settling down just yet! i have to admit, i think the thing that really set him off was that i went out w/ a guy friend to a movie...i tried calling him before to make sure he was comfortable w/ it, but never got ahold of him...needless to say, he was really hurt. so then a few days later, my bf and i went out w/ some gfs' of mine and someone mentioned the movie, and i mistook seeing it w/ him...not my guy friend...then when he talked about breaking up, i said i thought we should too...which ofcourse i didnt really mean. SOO anyhow, i feel like im the one that screwed up that night, and really hurt him (he has a pretty sensitive ego), and im the one that should be going back to him. i think ill text him tonite...yay or nay?
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Sofia
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Thu 29 Jul, 2004 07:05 pm
Ah. New information.
Yeah-- I can see you 'going out' with another guy as a reason he may have done a pre-emptive break up.
When you agreed, it bolstered his likely opinion that you were on the way out of the relationship.
This is a tidy bit of info you might have shared at the get-go, dear.
Actually, though I'm not turning on you--if it was him here, sharing the story, I'd probably advise him to steer clear of you. Didn't you value him enough to at least ask him what he thought before you went out with the guy friend? You made him look like a putz to your/his friends. A harder thing, it seems, for a guy.
Sure, if you want him back, you may want to text him with all the pertinent apologies and explanations. I imagine he will be wary. I hope if you do get him back, you'll treat him with a little more deference.
Good luck, and I retract any unflattering things I may have said about the poor, unrepresented bf.
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baby
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Thu 29 Jul, 2004 07:14 pm
If you start going out again and looking strong and happy, he will probably want you back. If you call and cling, he will feel suffocated and you will be making yourself very unappealing to him.
So, if you do this and it works, you will win him back. If you do this and it doesn't work, you will be half way to full recovery. Either way you win.
Just a note: if you do get him back. Don't let him do this to you again.
Baby
0 Replies
baby
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Thu 29 Jul, 2004 07:18 pm
Re: New information
It would've been handy to know about the other guy - but from another angle, it gave him a good 'out' if he wanted to break it off with you anyhow, don't you think?
however, the next day we went out and got into a small argument that was started by my friend...that resulted in him dumping me. i told him i agreed we should break up and that it was mutual b/c really i was in so much shock i didnt knwo what to say. i called him the next day and just poured out my heart on his answering machine...he texted me bakc saying "thanx for the kind words but it cannot be right now." so i gave him some time and called him about a week later to just touch base...of course our relationship came up and we started fighting AGAIN wen i asked how he was feeling/why we broke up he said that he has alot going on personally that he needs to figure out, he's not thinking straight, and he just doenst know how he feels or y we broke up. (he gets stressed like that sometimes cuz he's a cop...dont know if its that, or me!) the only telling thing that he said to me was that when he broke up w/ me, if i hadnt agreed w/ him, we'd still be together. well, after that i made one last attempt and sent him a letter. its been a week since the letter and i still havent heard anything. i just dont understand how he could go from loving me and buying me expensive things one day (which makes it seem like he wasnt planning on breaking up anytime soon), and talking about our future together, to dumping me so abruptly w/o an explanation. b/c of this confusion, im having a really hard time moving on. part of me feels like if he's having an emotionally rough time i need to support him, but i also feel like ive tried all i can...I just really love this guy.
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