Never had "that spark"??

I hope you do too. This is a little off the topic but I wanted to put it out there since everyone needs a little "Grandma" advice now and then. :wink:

When I got married my grandma gave me some advice. Advise that has kept her and my grandpa together through 11 kids, 4 combined open heart surgeries, hip replacement, skin cancer and 50+ years.

1) Realize that it is ok to dislike someone but still love them. You will get over being angry.

2) Remember that no one is perfect. Pick and choose your battles. Is it THAT important that the toilet seat is down? Save it for something that really matters.

3) On the same note, let it go sometimes. Sometimes it's better to be the bigger person and walk away for a minute until both of you aren't so hot headed.
HOWEVER...
4) Never go to bed angry (or leave the house for that matter). If you have to stay up all night, so be it. Think about how you would feel if the last thing you ever said to someone was something said in anger. You just never know.

5) Remember that no one ever said marriage was easy. Hold hands just because. Kiss each other every day. And say I love you like you mean it.

You could always try rewiring your vibrator. That might put some spark back in things.

I had a very similar situation as Nathor recently but first a little history. We married at age 25/28(her). We dated 3 years prior to marrying. We are now 32/35, 2 kids 2 & 3. We recently had our 6th anniversay and were not able to go out that day due to work obligation. We discussed 3 weeks earlier that we would celebrate the following weekend as we could not get out of work. The afternoon of our anniversary she invited a friend over and her b/f and then ended up going out to a bar with the 2. He g/f is seperated and going through a divorce and in my opinion is not a good influence as she cheated on her hubby before getting married. My wife told me they were going out for ice cream and would bring me back something. to make a long story short she returned home 5.5 hours later and I was furious. I calmly asked her to sit down as I wanted to talk. she immediately asked me if there was something missing in our relationship and I responded "yes, passion on your end" . she agreed and I felt liek my heart had been ripped out.

More history: for the past 3 years she had never initiated any romance or intimacy, about 90% of the time I would try to initiate it she would refuse. I give her space and do not rule her and she gives me my space.

she says she still loves me and we have more good than bad. She says if she could push the button to reignites the passion she would be happy. She says its been missing since we got married, but it was there before the wedding. She is a very attractive person and she says I am too. She is just not initmately attracted to me anymore.

My question: is it possible to restore passion in a relationship that has been missing it for 3 years or longer?

conche, it is possible that your wife is suffereing from a hormonal imbalance after the birth of your children and that she just don't have a drive. Perhaps she could talk to her doctor? Perhaps you could gently ask if it is a physical reason why she doesn't feel desire (medical) or emotional reason why. I hope you can work something out.

thanks for your encouragement Kristie, we have our first counseling session tonight, will keep you filled in and probably asking for more opinions.

No problem! :wink:

I really do wish you the best! We all deserve to be happy!

an update
Hi all. Just thought I'd let you know how things have been going:
My wife and I have been going to a counsellor for the last few months.. and I've learned a bit. About how i'm too needy and relying on her for my happiness etc etc etc.

Another bombshell has been dropped.
I guess it's more of a clarification. that when i told her i fancied her (had a crush on her etc) she told me she felt the same way.. but she didn't.. she was just afraid of losing our friendship...
then when we were dating., she just acted like a girlfriend and kissed me etc cos that's what boyfriend/girlfriends do...
she tells me that every major decision up till now has been motivated by fear of losing me as a friend...

I feel cheated..
one of my greatest desires has been to love someone and have that love/affection/attraction recriprocated.
I've been in a marriage where my wife has been pretending all this time??? that's what she says.

Oh, Nathor, I am sorry for you to hear that.

It is probably better in the long run that you hear it, but still, it must be both painful and clarifying, as you knew something was wrong.

My own view is that it isn't impossible to start up a spark when it's died, but it's fairly fruitless. Yes, I have experienced resparking, heh, but I feel in my own case I should have listened to the dead battery.

So, I don't mean to sway you by my own pessimism, but on reading your situation, where the real enthusiasm was one sided, I have trouble advising you to push forward.

The children are my concern. But years of a marriage with no heart in the middle are not particularly good for the children either.

It has historically been hard to talk someone into loving you, there's the rub.

Well, maybe counselling will bring more of her, well, both of your, real selves out to look at, and maybe you will find a new love, by virtue of your joined lives. I do think, even with sparky love, that love is a process.

Also, maybe not.

Keep talking and listening.

am lost, i mean i understand what you say, BUT "no sparks" and 2 kids??
tsk tsk, what does she really mean by sparks then? cuze for me, without sparks? I don't think I even let that person touch my hand, lolz!!!
been together for a long while, years, 2 kids and no sparks? am sorry to ask this, is she like getting tire of you?
am sure there has to be a spark somewhere along those years since you meet her? maybe it just gone now? is there like a way you can do, to make her feel special to input back that "spark"

I am with you, Nathor. I don't know what to do. My husband doesn't think our son is enough to do what it takes to save our marriage. But we haven't even tried to work on it and when I try to lead him in taking small steps, he seems to resent me for making him.

It hurts in the deepest way. His family came over so we can have a date night and I couldn't help but start crying when his mother went to hug me good-bye. I tried to hold it in because they don't know anything but sometimes the pain is too much, especially because the date didn't end well.

The worst part is, I don't know how to be a mother when I don't feel like a wife. It worked as a unit and now that it is in danger of just ending, I don't know. I am a stay-at-home mom but it seems to take all of me these days just to meet his basic needs of feeding, bathing, and bed.

I can't stand it when my husband looks at me with so much resentment. I didn't force him to marry me and maybe he wasn't ready, but I can't just let him leave.

I should mention that it was his decision to get married and I gave him the option of keeping our son or not. He made his decision. Why doesn't he feel the need to live up to it? Doesn't he have to earn his way out as Dr Phil likes to say?

parallllel, you sound depressed to me. Have you considered seeing a doctor? If it's this difficult to do what had before been basic, that's often a sign.

If there is something organically wrong, it can be treated. And if there isn't, you'll feel better talking to someone who is obligated to keep a secret. I also suggest that you ask your doctor about a therapist. If your husband won't go, go alone.

Of course I'm depressed! I used to be happy every day. I had no idea. He just woke up one morning, spent two months trying to justify his thoughts, and then dropped it all on me. Now I suffer from this grief; the best part of me is dying.

Hi Paralllel, I'd like to hear some more of the details behind your story, if you don't mind...for example what is your financial situation? How old/young are you two? Did you get to date around very much before you married? How old is the new baby?

Sometimes people can get overwhelmed with all of the sudden having a "family." There are so many responsibilities! Reminds me of the movie "Raising Arizona" when Hi has the baby crawling all over him, the house in the background is a disaster, his hair is all messed up...he says: "Whut? We got a real family here!"

Anyway, welcome! and please tell more...

Our finances are fine. Our son will be two years old. We are young, in our 20's. I dated more than he did. I know a lot of it has to do with the amount of pressure and responsibility.

We realize what the issues are and how to deal with it. He even knows that we can if we work together and that we can find that happy place. He just doesn't want to. He can't find it in him to devote to that for our marriage and our son isn't a big enough reason. Working on it means having to struggle through the difficult time and giving up the opportunity to be free again. It's just easier to walk away and he thinks he'll be happier for it because he can always come back to deal with it later.

It isn't right to put our son's life and mine on the back burner because he wants to be a boy again. I know he has the right to be selfish to some extent for the sake of his happiness, but a lot of his unhappiness has to do with how he chose to deal with things. I don't know what will make him see that he needs to be a man. What is he teaching our son by walking away like this and leaving things the way they are because he woke up one day and found himself unhappy?

Nathor, howdy!

First off, I'm sorry to hear about your heartache. I know if I found out the person who makes up half of me, carries that half ever so clumsily, I'd be broken up.

Whatever you do, don't stop praying. Remember, nothing is impossible through Him. If you and your wife don't pray together, maybe you can try that. Sometimes that makes it easier to let out some feelings/issues when said "together."

I'm probably going to be a parrot on this board, but I highly recommend "Love for a Lifetime" by David T. Moore http://mooreonlife.com

It has saved my parents marriage, SEVERAL friends, and taught all of my friends who are dating life lessons in marriage that no book has come close to. The tapes are SO entertaining, that you might be like us, and go through them in 2 days (there are 8 tapes).

God talks about entering a marriage where one is not in love. If both of you are believers (I assumed at least you were by a few of your posts), then keep up with the counseling, PRAY by yourself, pray together, and make sure you both are communicating on the same page as far as Her Needs, and Yours.

If she doesn't know what you need and vice versa, then things may not get better. Remember that we are to Love our spouses as "He" loved the church. Not with the "mush mush" but unconditionally. So stay strong and keep trying!

well paralllel, sounds like you know exactly what your husband is up to...i'm not sure if you can stop him from leaving, or if you even would want to. maybe he'll "come around?" soon? before he does more damage to the family.

i do think that you should be prepared to be alone with your son...know your finances, know who you can go to in an emergency, talk to your parents, friends, etc.
also, like jespah said earlier, you probably should look into talking to your doctor about depression. i'm sorry you're having to deal with an immature husband...but you have GOT to take care of yourself and that baby.

best wishes! and hang around, you'll learn a lot through these wise oldies here at a2k.

sorry to take up space on your thread, nathor...best to you too.

Yea, I know I need to leave. I'm just afraid that if I leave things like this, I won't want him back by the time he comes around. And he will come around. I just can't tell how long that will take or if I am able to wait long enough for that to happen.

I'm also sorry to take up room here, Nathor. Know that you are lucky that your wife is willing to work on this with you. That's more than I have right now. And there are ways to make it work as long as you work together, which you are. So no matter how dim things look, there is hope as long as you continue to do so.