Never had "that spark"??

i'm really desperate
Can anyone tell me anything?
we've got 2 kids.. 2yrs and 6months ... i'm really confused

Spark?
Hi Nathor:

You haven't given enough information to really get a feel for your situation.

You are 25, have been married for 4 years, and have two small children. How old is your wife? How long did you date before getting married? Did you pressure her into marriage? Was she excited about getting married?

What brought about the conversation that resulted in the "bombshell?" What kind of problems were you having in the relationship before she said that she never really felt the spark?

It could be simply that she is young, overworked with two small children, and feeling like she's in an unexciting rut. She may be dealing with post-partum depression issues. Maybe she feels overburdened with responsibilities and she's not feeling attractive or sexy. Maybe she just doesn't have the energy right now to be a "good wife" and a "good mother" and she's feeling resentful towards you.

Does she get to have any time for herself or her needs or is all her time swallowed up with responsibility? It's not easy to be "mom" all day long with all the tiring demands of two small children--and then be sexy-wife all hot for hubby at night after the kids are in bed.

Maybe the spark was there in the beginning--but maybe her current circumstances have caused her to forget what it was that attracted her to you in the first place and what it was that made her want to marry you.

There are a lot of "maybe" scenarios that we can throw around simply because we don't have enough information to work with. But, if the spark has been lost--I think you are capable of figuring out why--and capable of being loving, understanding, helpful, considerate, and patient enough to do what it takes to reignite the love and passion in your marriage.

Ask her why she married you if she didn't feel the same way as you did.

Take it easy mate. There's plenty of time to get it sorted out. Most A2K topics of this type take a few days for the majority of replies to come in. I feel for you mate.

Sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how you must feel. It may be that your wife is disillusioned right now and stressed out with raising two young children. You guys married young. There's probably not much time for romance and perhaps she expected that marriage meant something more than raising a family.

I agree with Debra; could you give more information to us? When you do, I will give my advice straight away, but we can't really comment on a general state without knowing some personal background to it. It's like trying to cure ennui without

What prompted her to make that observation?

More information would be helpful, but keep in mind you are not responsible for her lacking "That Spark". You didn't lure her into marriage with a fake spark. Your kids weren't sired with fake sparks.

What exactly is "That Spark"? Sexual attraction? One-and-Only Ardor?
Perpetual, passionate lust?

Do you think she wants a divorce? Do you think she wants changes in the marriage? Do you think she wants more of a life of her own in addition to being a wife and mother?

Why did she pick this week to make her announcement? Were the two of you fighting? Did she hurl this towards you as a accusation? Or is this an occasion for self-pity on her part?

More information, please.

The spark, as many call that first intense attraction to another person, often fades with time. This is normal. The question you need to ask is whether or not that attraction was ever there. It's possible that she didn't have as intense a feeling as you. Everyone experiences love in a different way. However, again, you need to find out what that statement meant.

answers
My wife is 28 yrs old. We dated for 10 months and were engaged for a further 13 months, she was excited about getting married... but remembers the wedding day as a bad time.. she was sick the photographer was mean etc... (probbably off topic)
nothing really brought on the conversation.. we had a minor argument no screaming matches or anything like that... we made up and then she told me...
the main problems? hmm i wish i knew.. she has told me in the past that she isn't attracted to me sexually.. that was in our first year of marriage.. but when we were going out she couldn't keep her hands off me... we only JUST managed to save ourselves for marriage...
in regard to feeling attractive and sexy, she's lost a lot of weight and is a similar figure that she was when she was 18, she seems to be happier about her appearance than she ever has been...
I agree it oculd be thatthere are outside factors affecting her judgement.. but to say that she's NEVER had these feelings... and this sn't just a one-off thing.. since "that day" that she told me.. she hasn't changed her mind or her way of thinking.. another painful thing is that she's felt "it" with some of her past relationships...

I mean i agree that is IS stressful for her raising two young kids.. she has a part time job and I have a full-time one, i look after the kids a lot too, she tells me that I'm a great husband.. and that I'm an attractive guy, (but she's not attracted TO me) we're best friends, and get along really well most of the time...

the "spark" seems to be a few things :
1) physical attraction, like chemistry being drawn sexually towards me.
2) that romantic, lovey dovey feeling u get like "i can't live without him," or " i knew i wanted to be with him for the rest of my life" etc. etc.

sorry i'm trying to answer every q at once..

the problem is.. that since we first got engaged.. she has told me on one or two occasions that she doesn't have "that spark" (a week before we got married she told me too)but i sort of assumed it would get better or she was just feeling down or if it was really serious she'd break it off etc I told her i had never had it necessarily to begin with.. we started out as great friends etc...

for the record.. she was the one who wanted kids early, she was worried about health or generation gaps etc if u leave it too long...

Sad.

reigniting the spark
Hi Nathor:

This is a tough situation. But, before you were married, she couldn't keep her hands off you. She willingly walked down the aisle and married you. She chose to have two children with you.

Obviously, the proverbial honeymoon is over. That doesn't mean the spark is gone--that doesn't mean the love is gone. It just means that when two people settle into a life together--and experience the routine of day by day living--things change. No two people can sustain the lust and passion that is so typical of the early part of the relationship because familiarity becomes the norm.

Your wife is probably going through a period of self-assessment. She might even be going through some post-partum depression issues which may be causing her to distance herself from you. She might not find much joy in daily activities; she might not be interested in sex. But, she is doing things to make herself feel better about herself. She has lost weight and she's working on sorting through her feelings. She's probably just as confused as you are.

There are things you can do, however, to help her sort through her feelings and to reignite the passion that the two of you felt early in the relationship. The most important thing is not to push yourself or your feelings on her. If she views you as emotionally clinging to her and desperate for her love and sexual attention, she will probably distance herself away from you more and more. It has to be her decision to move toward you instead of away from you--but you can "bait the hook" in a manner of speaking.

First, give her space. Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Second, do thoughtful things for her in a nonchalant manner--meaning, just do them and don't draw her attention to it. She will notice and she will be appreciative. (e.g., do the dishes, do the laundry, vacuum the carpets, leave fresh cut flowers in a vase, bring home dinner, do the grocery shopping and make sure you purchase some of her favorite items.)

Third, wear a smile on your face all the time.

I'm sure other people here can give you ideas on how to "bait the hook" in order to reignite the spark.

If, when all is said and done and you've tried to reignite the spark and it doesn't work--then you have a choice. You will have to decide if you want to be married to a woman who is not in love with you and who doesn't find you sexually attractive. A loveless, sexless marriage can be a painful thing to endure.

Re: answers


It sounds to me like maybe she felt pressured into marrying. Not by you but by herself or her family/friends. A lot of women I know start getting antsy around age 25/26 when they have not married or begin making plans for a wedding. (I am 26) She might have been excited about the wedding, not the marriage. This might not be the case but it is worth looking into.

Also, the fact that she was sick and the photographer was mean shouldn't count for anything except stories. I was in the hospital a week before my wedding, they lost my unity candle, I'd lost so much weight my dress was too big and I ripped it up the front after stepping on it, I was unable to eat my wedding dinner, almost fainted several times during the day/night, had the photographer yell at my grandmother and someone sliced open her foot on a broken piece of glass on the dance floor. Not one of those things make me think any less of my wedding. It couldn't have been more perfect. The most important thing that happened that day went just as I knew it would. My husband and I exchanged vows and we were the only ones in the room.

As for breaking the wedding off a week before....I've heard of people not wanting to get married but doing it because they feel like they have no other choice when it is that close. In fact, I was just at a wedding where I knew the groom wasn't ready but did it anyway. People have spent lots of money, realitives come into town, presents are bought...it isn't easy to call 150 guests and tell them the wedding is off.

I think you need to have a serious discussion with your wife (FAST!) about whether or not she wants to be married to you. If you wanted a roomate you would have put out an ad in the paper. You do not deserve to be in a marriage that makes you unhappy.

While I agree that the spark isn't there forever, some amount of romance and affection should ALWAYS remain in your marriage. My grandparents have been married for over 50 years and they still kiss and hold hands.

This has got to be a nightmare for you and I genuinly feel for you. I hope that you work this out and that you can find some sort of peace.

Re: answers


Wise words, Kristie.

It's hard to get a firm grasp on Nathor's situation. His wife's actions seem inconsistent with the things she has been telling him. No wonder the man is confused!

He does need to engage in effective communication with his wife and it's important that he choose an approach that doesn't make himself appear desperate or clingy. I think he needs to put things into proper perspective for her.

Your analogy to a roommate situation is ideal. She needs to be aware, even though he loves her, that he also respects himself and knows what he wants and needs from a marriage--and it's NOT a roommate.

Nathor: You deserve to be in a marriage with a woman who LOVES you, who knows you're the one for her, and who desires you sexually. Your wife is treating you very badly right now. You know that, don't you?

You can be patient, give her space, and allow her time to work through her confusion. But, if she doesn't figure out that she is in love with you and desires you, then you have to make a choice for yourself: do you want to be a cherished husband or an unloved puppy dog that sleeps at the foot of her bed?

kristie, i totally agree with you. many women feel pressurized into getting married.
i am indian, and had to go through the process of arranged marriage. i wanted my parents off my back for nagging me, so agreed to get married. i was 24 then, my hubby was in the US, and we had a long distance relationship for 6 months before we got married. he and i fell in love with each other through emails. i was so excited at the prospect of getting married and moving to a new country. i was ill during my wedding, but we still could not get our hands off each other. its been 2.5 years now, and we lost the "spark" within the first 5-6 months of marriage.
the reality of moving to a new country and being lonely has hit me. my hubby does wish i was as passionate as i was back then, but honestly, i do not feel as attracted to him anymore.
nathor, u say your wife has lost weight and feels better about herself. don't misunderstand me, but are you in good shape too? i put on weight, and am trying to get back in shape. but my husband doesn't exercise as often, which bothers me and affects my physical feelings for him. maybe your wife feels the need for more romance and excitement in her life. maybe she wants you to take more initiative and surprise her with new things to keep her interested. maybe she wants you to go the extra mile instead of being just a supportive husband. i mean being supportive and helping around the house and kids is very good, but maybe she wants different things. i guess you could talk to her without feeling offended by what she has to say.
i mean, i wish my husband would talk to me and listen to me. in other words my relationship has become stagnant. i find him boring, and no longer much fun to be around. i find ways to avoid being with him, and i don't feel interested when he talks about work. i wish he would talk about something else for a change.

Oh, that's sad, justoneofthegals.
I hope you both can get the spark back one day.

Re: Never had "that spark"??
Hello Nather:

I am 38 years old and have been married to a very good man for almost 14 years. I love him as a best friend but I have never felt that "spark" with him. I've been miserable over the last few years, torn with guilt for wondering if I might have been happier had I never married him. He is not my soul mate. I think a soul mate is someone you feel through your whole body. I don't feel that for my guy. But he would do anything for me. And we are comfortable together. Good sometimes but not enough of the times.

So you should ask yourself: Do you want to go through your life married to a woman you know doesn't love you with the same intensity that you love her? It's a simple question -- until you get to my age and find yourself stuck.

Make sense?

jam

that's interesting justoneofthegals
In regard to my apprearance, well when she met me i was skinny as a rake, now.. i'm 10 kilos heavier, probably more meat on me, that's about it...
I've been trying really hard lately.. i found out that her primary love language is receiving gifts so i've been going all out and getting her things that are both special and sentimental.

I've been reading books and praying about this lately and
i have realised one thing, since i first met her. I've relied on her too heavily for my happiness, if she's unhappy with me i'm unhappy.

I've decided to release her of that burden and I've told her as much.. and that I was sorry to put that responsibility on her.

well night before last after a VERY dry spell, we had the best sex we'd ever had.. my wife said as much too.. it's not all better now.. but it's a start.

I've realised the main problem with attraction is that if you don't at least see yr partner as equal, you can't respect them.

no respect, no attraction.

thanks for all yr help so far guys.

Nathor the hopeful.

Hopeful
Nathor:

Your last post is so much more positive than your first post--good for you! I think you have your head on straight. I think you're doing the right things to get your relationship back on the "happy" path.

Realizing that your happiness lies within yourself and not on someone else is very important. The times when I feel unhappy in my marriage are the times when I make myself unhappy. No one can MAKE you be anything. You choose to be. Congratuations on the best sex ever! Physical connection might be just what you needed to begin bringing back the emotional connection you lost. Touch is incredibally powerful. On that same note, sometimes it is easier to talk to someone about difficult things when you are touching. Perhaps you can talk to your wife while you hold her.

I hope that everything works out for you. You sound like you really love her and want to make this marriage work. I'll say a prayer for you that things work out in the best way they can. But also remember that sometimes what is best for us is not always what we want. While I hope you can work this out, keep in mind that a one sided relationship where you are constantly giving and she receiving is not healthy nor is it happy.

Keep your chin up. This will be a long process but I think you know that it will be worth it in the end.

Hi Kristie,
I like what you wrote. But if physical touch is so important, I guess I am far far away from anything close to it. Yesterday I felt a little tender towards my hubby, and some physical attraction. But we ended up arguing, and it was back to the same old turning away and sleeping.
Hopefully I will feel that way again.