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Thu 8 Oct, 2015 10:34 am
Ok, so in short I'm a married man who's best friend is officially a lesbian. I'm 38 and she's 21. Long story short is that she is also a diagnosed scitzo (sp?) making this a messed up complicated situation to begin with. For the past 3 or 4 months we've been hooking up, mainly under the influence of alcohol, but not always. Some days she tells me she loves me. Other days the thought of any physicality or romance with me repels her.
It's been a rollercoaster ride, but I've slowly started to fall for her and was at the point where I was going to leave my wife and flat-share with her, something we've talked about for weeks now.
The problem is we went away for a couple of days in London last week and after hours drinking we ended up in a physical fight in the room we were staying in. She squared off with me and started to throw punches, I blocked a few, and tried to calm her down, but she kept on coming at me. I tried to restrain her, but again she kept on throwing at me. I tripped over the bottom of the bed and ended up on my backside, she knelt over me and was hitting me hard around the head and face. I honestly felt I would have been knocked out (or worse) if I didn't fight back, (She was in a psycho/rage) and out of desperation I threw a right hand back in self defence. It knocked her off her feet, and instantly I felt my heart sink. I wish they'd been another option but I genuinely felt like there was no other way out.
We were both arrested for common assault and released with no charges being pressed. The police agreed that I had no other choice and I did what I did in self defence, and also that I was the victim. She even acknowledged this in her statement.
Problem now is we work together, and our boss is aware of the situation, and trying to force ME to move to another branch because of it. I do twice the hours she does and I've been with the company twice as long, so why should I move when I'm the victim?
She also owes me a lot of money, and has some of my things. I've tried to contact her even though we've both been told not to contact each other by the police (Bail conditions) and apart from a few text messages off her the day after the fight basically blaming me for everything, she's now gone silent and is completely ignoring me.
I've even started getting death threats from her family.
So my question is this... Honestly I think I love her, and I at least want to get some form of closure from her. I want to talk to her calmly about what happened, and explain why I did what I did and try to understand why she did what she did. It's caused us problems at work, at home, and mentally (we both suffer from depression)
So how can I get her to talk to me, or listen to me? And failing that (As I'm guessing a lot of advice here will be to leave well alone) any advice in terms of how to move on?
She's all I can think about 24/7. I was the one assaulted, and I feel bad about what happened. She flipped on me, she assaulted me, and yet somehow she blames me for everything and has shown no sorrow or remorse at all.
I need some help, because frankly I can't go on much longer like this.
@merseyside bob,
You don't need any ******* closure. Closure is overrated.
Get some therapy, which may end up being court-ordered anyway, and figure out why you would think affectionately about someone who physically harmed you and essentially ruined your life.
As for your work, do as your boss says, and transfer, because you're probably pretty damned lucky to have not been fired yet. I doubt it'll be so easy for you to get another job.
Go and clear your head.
@merseyside bob,
You're a married man, she's a lesbian. It doesn't matter how much you love her, it's not going to happen.
Forget about the money, you won't be getting that back. If a court tells you not to contact her, don't. You'll get banged up carrying on like that.
You can't work together, not now. One of you has to move, and it looks like your employer has decided it's you.
You're just going to have to suck it up.
@merseyside bob,
merseyside bob wrote: any advice in terms of how to move on?
Accept the transfer.
Talk to your doctor about getting some therapy to help you understand how you got yourself into this mess.
Do not contact her. If you are breaching a no-contact order, you could be in more of a mess than you're already in.
Get on with your life. Don't drink/do any non-prescription drugs. Get out to a gym or sports club.
Don't look back.
@jespah,
I'm already getting theropy, and none of the charges against us can effect our jobs.
@ehBeth,
I've done stoptober and given up weed/smoking/alcohol since I got released from my cell on the morning of the first.
@merseyside bob,
you have breached the bail conditions
merseyside bob wrote: I've tried to contact her even though we've both been told not to contact each other by the police (Bail conditions)
that can be serious **** which could well impact your job
__
If you haven't told your spouse, make sure to do so asap so they can decide if they want to continue being with you.
@ehBeth,
Yeah, in fairness the investigation officer said to me himself outside the police station "You're in liverpool we're in london, we're not going to know if you contact each other, and because you're working together do what you need to do" .... And she contacted me first, I simply replied.
But then I'm guessing she got advice off a family member or something when she got home because the day after I got nothing more.
I've told my wife everything, and amazingly she forgives me, and confessed an affair of her own. She's seven months pregnant. It's f*cked up I know, but I still want to be with the other girl. I'm scum for saying it. Why do we always want what we can't have, and don't appreciate what's under our noses?
@merseyside bob,
what positive things have you done?
@ehBeth,
you mean since the fight?
I've cut out weed, alcohol, cigarettes, been honest with my wife, and started to exercise everyday. Just so depressed over it all, day at a time....
@merseyside bob,
merseyside bob wrote: I still want to be with the other girl.
if you still want to be with the other woman, you have to make it clear to your wife that you don't want to be with her and start making plans to move out and get on with your own life.
Exercise is good. Are there any sports clubs/teams you can join so that you're with other people who are also fitness focused?
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