Extremely Depressed and I need some help with something

Forums: Relationships, Dating, Mental Health, Depression
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I was dating this guy for almost 2 years when he decided to end the relationship. His excuse was that he didnt want to blame me if he didn’t get into medical school.However, I think he left me because he knew I had depression and anxiety and he didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I trusted him so much.. I have been battling depression and anxiety for almost 13 years (I had a traumatic event happen to me when I was 7 and I didn’t get help for it). It was left untreated up until a couple of months ago.

Since this was left untreated for years, I started to act very impulsively right after he broke up with me. (I would call him all the time...basically harass him) b/c I depended on him to give me happiness and then it was gone.
My impulsivity reached an all time high when I started to compulsively lie about the craziest things. My lies were like the lies you hear on TV shows. I did everything I could possibly do to try and keep that only sense of “happiness” with me.

Well, he blocked me on all social media and wants nothing to do with me anymore.. and yet I still find a way to act impulsively towards him and its so hard for me to control! Sad

I keep making the situation worse and worse for myself.

It sucks but I know now what I did and what i am doing, was and is something I could not control. My depression and anxiety was left untreated for so long that I don't know how to handle many situations properly. Im getting help now and I'm learning a lot about how to control my anxiety and cope with my depression. Its really difficult because I've had this thing untreated for more than half of my life but I'm still trying..

I'm still very upset at how things ended between me and this boy. I wish he would understand what happened but he doesn't care. Im having a hard time dealing because he knew/knows about what i have. he wants to be a doctor and yet he doesn't seem to show any empathy for my illness. Its like he thinks i was out to get him and make his life a living hell when thats really not the case. He legitimately believes that I'm this terrible person and it breaks my heart.

However, i know i shouldn't be feeling like this towards him. because at the end of the relationship, I was starting to have thoughts of suicide and then 2 weeks later he broke up with me and gave me that excuse to make himself look and feel better.

Im aware he is still very young (20) and doesn't need this drama in his life but I asked him multiple times "do you want an out, because you can have one right now. I don't expect you to want to deal with this at this age" But he told me no, he's in this for the long run. It hurts me so much knowing that i trusted him with all of this. I hate myself for relying on him. For expecting so much..

I know the positive thing that came out of all of this is that i am finally getting help. After 13 years of this illness, i am finally getting the help that i need.

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@lulu275,

Even if you stay on the road to recovery and work hard success in relationships likely will not happen for some time. Surely your therapist has told you this. In my experience they usually actually encourage survivors to stay single until they have learned to love themselves, because until you do you have no love to offer anyone else.

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His excuse was that he didnt want to blame me if he didn’t get into medical school.

It was likely a very honest answer. Do you not understand why a young ambitious guy with a lot of work ahead of him would not want to devote a lot of energy to a high maintenance girl who at several points invited him to leave? He was looking out for himself just as you need to look our for yourself.

And what is up with "left untreated"? bitter at the parents much? I think I see a trend.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

Im not bitter towards my parents. I don't blame them for anything. They didn't do anything wrong (especially since you don't know what happened when i was 7). It was untreated because i didn't tell anyone about how i was feeling except for him (11 years after what happened). Are you unaware about how hard it is to come out and talk to someone about what you are feeling? Especially knowing how society views mental illness. Have you not seen the youtube videos?

And i don't blame him for anything either. He's a boy who could not handle my "high maintenance" illness. However, i came here looking for some more advice on how to cope with this breakup because it is taking a huge toll on me. And what is that "trend" that you see? please enlighten me.

1 Reply

@lulu275,

Quote:

Are you unaware about how hard it is to come out and talk to someone about what you are feeling?

Yep, I for instance went years hardly talking in school, I was not just not talking about feelings, I was not talking at all.

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And i don't blame him for anything either

Liar, you blame him for lying, for making excuses, for not leaving earlier if he wanted to leave, for betraying your trust, for not caring. And that is most likely just a starting point.

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He's a boy who could not handle my "high maintenance" illness.

more likely he did not want to, and there is no reason that he should want to.

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However, i came here looking for some more advice on how to cope with this breakup because it is taking a huge toll on me.

Coping is a skill that takes time and work to learn, by your own admission your coping skills suck, so coping with losing him was never going to go well. That is the reality. THere is no pill to take for this. What you do is get motivated to deal with your issues so that your whole life is not like this. And actually if you dont deal with your **** things will eventually get worse. You might be able to keep your act together till your 30's or 40's but it will get harder as you go, and at some point your life will almost certainly fall apart completely. Because you will not learn new and better coping skills and the ones that you do know will break down over time.

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And what is that "trend" that you see? please enlighten me.

Everything that is icky inside of you is the fault of people outside of you, according to you. Then you lash out at them. You take no responsibility, even when you know that what you do is wrong you excuse yourself..."it is the disease, it was not me!"

Let the boy go, you were tormenting him, he does not deserve that. Work on yourself. There are a lot of people who have been where you are and have made it out the other side, better and more happy than they ever could have imagined. Working on yourself to get there is going to suck. Not working on yourself and not getting there will suck more. People can help you some but not much, this is your load. Most likely you are going to have trouble keeping people in your life for awhile, you dont have the skills but use all the help you can get and be grateful for it. Do your best to keep bitterness at bay, it will not help you at all. If you are not careful bitterness poisons everything in your life, it will make it impossible to move forwards.

Losing a guy is the least of your worries, and there will be a lot more of this in your future if you dont change some things.

Good luck with what ever you are doing to get help. If it does not work then do something else.

1 Reply

@lulu275,

Lulu

I gather he is 20 years of age and so are you.

I'm sorry for what ever occurred when you were 7 years of age. It's "OK" to block that for so many years sheez you were a child and only now becoming an Adult.

I'm so glad you are now seeking help to realise that you are important and as Hawkeye stated "love yourself".

I have a different approach.

Do you know that it could honestly be that he wants to score high in schooling to become someone? That's a huge responsibility and dream of his that can become reality.

Why don't you continue your journey of self help and help through others, let him continue with his desire of becoming someone in the medical field. And see in a year where you are both at because a couple of years together at such a young age, neither of you will forget each other time does not stop though.

Sometimes things happen for a reason, such as you getting over all of this and being able to look at yourself in that mirror and see the beauty that you are and all that you want to become, where you want to go in life.

All whilst he is purely concentrating on his dreams and goals as well.

Love is love, if it is real nothing can stop it.

Don't hassle him, by all means think of him, but at this point in time think of you and concentrate on you, as I said, remember real love is everlasting there is a chance later and if not? Then there was always someone better out there for you .

1 Reply

@lulu275,

This is something you need to go over with your counselor, in depth.

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@hawkeye10,

Okay, I'm sorry i came out as this terrible person in your eyes. No, i don't blame other people for what is wrong with me. i blame myself for not opening up when i was younger and for not getting help when i knew i should have. I blame myself for being the way i am.

Of course i am hurt over what this boy did to me especially because he just bailed on me 2 weeks after i started to have thoughts of suicide. I am fully aware of the whole school thing, especially because he is a C student. I even told him people this age shouldn't have to deal with people with mental illness. i know this first hand since my father has bipolar disorder. But this is still a heartbreak, it came out of nowhere. one day he was this supportive loving boyfriend and the next he didn't want anything to do with me. So i am hurt. But i don't blame him.

And me using my disease as an excuse....im sorry but its true. I was told this is why i act the way i do and how i handle certain situations. I am fully aware what i did was wrong. It is very hard to just magically change as you probably know.

I am leaving him alone but since i don't see a therapist 24/7, i need to find other ways to talk about this.

1 Reply

@lulu275,

Has your counsellor given you techniques to help you cope on a day to day business?

If not, please tell the counsellor you need specific advice on how to handle your feelings and to prevent you from acting out.

1 Reply

@FOUND SOUL,

Thank you for your response. it definitely made me feel better. I am going to leave him alone from here on out because i know it is wrong and i need to control myself. I am very proud of him for wanting to become a doctor even though his marks don't show that its likely it will happen. I admire how large of a drive he has for this dream of his, you have no idea. I just love his perseverance and hate the fact that i drove him to a point where he doesn't want anything to do with me and block me on everything you can possibly think of. But then again, I'm kind of glad he did because this means i won't get in the way of his dream at all. And i am able to obtain the help that i have been desperately needing for these past years.

However, a heartbreak is a heartbreak and since i was already very emotionally unstable before the breakup, it was inevitable that i was going to do the things i did. its like everything was amplified, it still is. I wonder if he knows this, i wonder if he understands.. i guess time will only tell if he actually understands what happened to me after he ended the relationship.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Yes, she has taught me a few things for example, when i have a bad thought or a thought about doing something; i would ask myself a few questions to see if its really the right thing to do and then go on from there. It has helped a little bit but i know its going to be a long time before i can function without acting rash.

0 Replies

@lulu275,

Do you see that in this response to FoundSoul that you're way too focused on someone else?

What actions have you taken to make your life without him busy and interesting? are you in school? what are your current social activities? have you joined a club or sports team? are you part of a Meet-Up group? do you do any arts or crafts?

2 Replies

@lulu275,

Lulu depression or fatigue sometimes if not often owes to purely chemical factors or habits unrelated to the psyche. So hang in there

0 Replies

@ehBeth,

I swear, idle hands are the devil's playthings.

Seriously - and I don't mean that religiously - you need a busier life, one where you have other interests than this guy.

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@ehBeth,

Yeah i know.. :/ I am in school but i don't have any hobbies. I learned that i honetly have no idea what i like and what i enjoy. I don't know what makes me happy. And I'm trying to find it. I mean I've done every sport you can think of when i was younger but none of them stuck with me.

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Extremely Depressed and I need some help with something

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