Resolved

Indeed she needs a psychological support. The problem is that she has been drinking for 15 years, but if she wants she can get better. It is not easy anyway. Drinking is only the top of an iceberg.

The heavy drinking is probably a symptom of a deeper psychological issue. She needs to get into counselling, and an alcohol abuse awareness group now. Unfortunately, she won't do it unless she wants to. Maybe an intervention? I suspect that depression is the problem, possibly a chemical imbalance, which can be helped. This is clearly self-medicating for psychological problems she cannot control right now. Alcohol may make a person feel better in the short term, but it is a depressant, not a stimulant, and will therefore accentuate underlying emotional issues, not bury them. I wish you luck. Keep us informed.

It can be depression, but I would not think of it (normally men drink when they are depressed, not women). As said early, whatever the reason recovery is not easy, but she has the advantage to have a caring husband and daughters.

Check out Al Anon.

Not to be confused with Alcoholics Anonymous, Al Anon is a program and support group for people who are affected by SOMEONE ELSE'S alcoholism - ie. relatives and friends.

It used to be all about going to meetings, but it appears now to be online as well.

http://www.al-anon.org/newcomer.html



Good luck

Oh, Deb, that's a tough one to deal with, huh?
How sad.
I think what I might do in your position, if I had the courage to, is to give her a call one day (or even drop by while the kids are in school) and tell her straight out that you have watched her deteriorate and you feel that she could benefit from outside help. Perhaps you and her husband could do an "intervention" with her. I don't know how far you'll get, and I know you're concerned for the kids, but she has strained your friendship (sounds as though she always has) and you personally may not have much to lose by letting her know that you will only stand by her if she attempts to improve her situation, rather than continuing on as she is.
I have a relative/friend who is also very needy. It is so draining and usually one-sided, and if we weren't related I would probably be facing what you're facing. Your friend sounds pretty selfish and certainly unappreciative of your friendship, but only you can ultimately decide how much you can take. You're a good friend (and a good Godmother) but there's only so much you can do. But I would certainly want to let her know what this is doing to you - I shouldn't say this, probably, but I have decided that, based on my experience, people who are alcoholics are generally pretty selfish and think of their own needs/wants/desires before or without considering anyone elses - and she needs to know that this is a problem.
Best of luck to you, Debra.

Debra
I feel your pain. I agree with Suzy. An intervention sounds like a good idea. If no one tells her that she needs help, then she'll continue to think that she doesn't have a problem. I suggest you talk with her husband about getting all the people who care about her together so you can all talk to her about your concerns in a group. I've heard good things come out of interventions and she obviously needs help. If she's been drinking like this for 15 years, then she is going to have to go into a program to learn to live without the alcohol. A year in a program is usually recommended as alcohol has been a major part of her life for so long. She is so very lucky to have a friend like you and a wonderful husband who has stood by her through this. My father was an alcoholic and thank God he found help when he did. He did the program for a year and was sober for the rest of his life. I've also had boyfriends who had a problem with the bottle, so I know how difficult it is trying to help them. I hope for everyones sake, that your friend will seek help. There are nice places she can get into programs if they can afford them. If you do an intervention and she sees all the people she cares about in one room expressing their concern, it might just make her stop and think about what she's doing to herself and the effect it has on the people who love her as well. From there, she'll either reject what everyone says, or she'll take the steps she needs to help herself. Talk with her husband and do research on alcohol abuse programs before you have an intervention. Find a nice place that you both think she'd like and present her with it during the intervention.
If she rejects the idea, then she will eventually push everyone out of her life and will wake up one day all alone. Unfortunately, she won't help herself unless she wants help.
I know how hard this is for you and my heart goes out to you and her family.

alateen
resolved

Good for you!

That's a good idea Debra.

Intervention
resolved

Eeeyikes...barring eveyrthing else, when you are banned from a pub for being too drunk, you are in serious trouble. That's how they make their money, they WANT you to drink, but if you are just too drunk to deal with AT A BAR, get thee to a substance abuse facility immediately. Her bragging about small victories is a smokescreen to pump herself up emotionally, as she can't yet face her real problems.

Debra--

Excellent idea about Al-Anon.

As for intervention....the light bulb has to want to change.

I hope your One Woman Confrontation went well--or at least that you don't feel it was a total disaster.

What a mess.

Debra, I feel ya. It's tough dealing with loved ones who become alcoholics or fall into drugs. You want to help but you don't understand and there's nothing that you can really do. My sister drank herself to death almost twenty years ago and I can still work up a pretty good lather when talking or even thinking about her. The way she wasted her life away still cuts like a knife.
I hope positive steps are taken this afternoon. Please let us know.

debra- when i was a teenager i would have been grateful for anyone to have stepped into my family situation and taken me to Alateen.

here is book recommendation: Drinking, a Love Story, by Caroline Knapp.

Yikes! Good luck. A drunk - and a nasty one. It is so horrible to see that come out, is it not? I have a friend who is like that - but seldom.

I think the Al-teen is a great idea - poor kid - I bet she feels responsible. And the husband? Al-anon? Normally I hate these 12 step program thingies - but the supports for affected folk who are not the one drinking have been good for the people who attended, in my experience.

Can you also calmly tell your friend the truth about why you ar eseeing less of her - and how distressed you are by seeing her deterioration, and her effect on others?

Sending warmest thoughts your way - I have friends who I have had for thirty years - they are family to me. I would hate to have to deal with this.

How good that the daughter has you!

I was just remembering how destructive it was for me dealing with my alcoholic father - especially after me mum died when I was 14 - it would have been so good to have someone like you (fortunately this girl has her dad too!!!) to acknowledge how awful it is, and to offer support.

On ya, Debra!!!!

Re: alateen


Your story is genuinely tragic--the man you describe must once have had a very deep love for this woman, because even if he does not love her now, that love had to have abided and been very deep for him still to be taking this on a daily basis. I have known far too many drunks, and i have been one myself. It is possible that feeling she were losing your affection as well, might bring the change--if she thinks you are her last, best hope. I rather think that deep within her is the little girl staring out at the world, who has looked out since the first memories, and knows every shattering truth about her condition. Speaking from my own experience, it was in an unexplainable sense, the decision of the adult within me to take positive action to protect the child within, which lead me to eventually throw the bottle away. I am moderately proud of having accomplished this on my own initiative and through my own efforts. I have no illusions, either, about the types of help others here have wisely directed you to--these will be your best resources, and for your own wounded heart, as well. I congratulate the wisdom of the expedient you have described above. And perhaps, when your friend sees (as she inevitably will, whether or not willing to acknowledge it) that your actions are genuine efforts to save the child within that house, perhaps some part of her will decide to act to save the child within herself. I cannot say, nor claim a wisdom to advise in this event. It does sound very much like at, or near, ultimate crisis in the history of this woman's drinking. Your evinced intelligence, education and percipience leave me in no doubt that a woman you would have for all of these years as a friend, right into the worst of the nightmare, can only be equally as intelligent and perceptive. We, and you, can only hope this series of incidents will form into an event in her heart, and a minatory event, that returns to you all the woman you obviously loved. For what little they are worth, you have my best wishes in your troubles.

Re: alateen


Great idea, Deb! Please keep us posted!

Debra

I'm so impressed with your loyalty toward your friend, her husband & daughter. This isn't easy for any of you, but your friend must have been a great person earlier on, to warrant this sort of loyalty.

Your decision to help the daughter is probably the most constructive thing you could do at this stage. And, of course, she is the most vulnerable person in this situation. And it sounds as though her father isn't able to protect her adequately, probably due to his own grief.

Is it possible for you to sit your friend down & talk to her frankly about your concerns about her behaviour & how it is affecting the people who love her? Would this make a difference, possibly lead her to seek help?

I have some understanding of your situation. A friend of mine experienced similar problems with alcohol, though wasn't quite that ugly about it. She did, however, cause her family a lot of grief, herself a lot of pain & remorse & was desperately unhappy while her problem ruled her life.

This is not going to be easy for you. Good luck to you in your efforts, Debra.