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When is a boy's interest over the top?

 
 
Linkat
 
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 09:36 am
A former classmate of my daughter texts her frequently. She went to school with this boy from kindergarten through about 3rd or 4th grade. He was teased a bit about his size and my daugher was always kind to him. He stopped going to the school and we moved further in the other direction so we are a good distance - maybe 45 minutes or so away.

They found each other again through mutual friends and he started just friendly texting. Then he got a bit obsessive...talking about how much he loved her, etc. My daughter got him to tone it down letting him know she only wanted to be friends and now it is just more friendly texts. She went to one of his football games as his team was playing a game nearby. This is the first they have seen each other in person since their previous school. They couldn't talk of course but they kind of waved at each other.

I noticed that he texts her several times a day. Nothing alarming in the words - just friendly hi, how are you, what's going sort of thing. But he texts several times a day. I'm not too worried as we live too far for him to show up or anything like that - but what are your thoughts? Is this a worry? When would it be?
 
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 10:00 am
@Linkat,
Why don't you let your daughter decide?
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 10:07 am
@maxdancona,
She had originally brought it up to me when he was obsessing over her - so we talked how she should handle and she had. --- When she told him she just wanted to be friends and so forth. She let me know he toned it down after a while.

What I did not realize was how often he is still texting her. My daughter is very sweet and kind -- she rarely thinks bad of anyone. Almost to the point where some people may take a little advantage of her kindness. Fortunately she tends to stay away from those sorts of people - she does not seem to like them.

There does come a point when a parent should step in - why I am asking the question. Young girls have been killed by obsessive boyfriends or those that think they are a boyfriend when a parent has not stepped in. I would be afraid her kindness and her being naive could cause a problem. I am not stepping on her toes yet - just want a feel from when I should if it were to come to this.
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 11:11 am
@Linkat,
If it were my daughter, I would let her decide how to handle it. Preteens (I am assuming your daughter is a preteen) need experience handling social situations, and the only way for them to learn is to handle it.

I would offer support, and guidance if she wants it.. but I would give her the trust and the responsibility to make decisions for herself. She will figure it out.

Your fear of "young girls being killed by obsessive boyfriends" is pretty far fetched. How many times a year does this happen? (One or two compared to the 2000 deaths of preteens in car accidents.)
Butrflynet
 
  4  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 11:30 am
Just because he texts several times a day doesn't mean she has to respond several times a day. She is in control of what she does on her cell phone. If she only wants to respond once a day or once every other day, she has the power to do so or not do so. She can still be her sweet friendly self, but only as often as SHE chooses to be, not how often he wants her to be.

Reinforce that with her. It will prove a noteworthy lesson in many aspects of life. Being able to say "no" is a powerful thing women must learn.

Other than that, I text several times a day with my close friend so I don't think that is a problem if it is something she chooses to do because she likes doing it not because she feels obligated to with someone she isn't that close to.

If she wants to discourage him from doing so that frequently, she can give noncommittal responses and not volunteer much for him to respond to. Eventually, he will understand that there is no "there" there.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 11:37 am
@Butrflynet,
Thanks - we have talked a bit about this - more when he was showing obsessive behavior. He was so over the top about his love for her.

I can talk with her about her handling it - although I do get the impression especially after some of the crazy love stuff he was sending her, she does act more non-over key. From what she has told me she doesn't always respond to him. Although when he was going kind of crazy, he would text several times about her not responding. The positive is he is no longer doing this. It is more just like I said Hey, whats up sort of texts.

Right now he is showing he understands that there is not there. I guess I just want to make sure that he doesn't start going a bit crazy again. And if there are any warning signs. I honestly do not believe he would be harmful or anything, but there is always that you never know that lingers. She has said no to the boyfriend girlfriend sort of thing. But she is very kind and lets him that she wants to remain friends with him.

I think her kindness when she was younger and other kids teased him is why he likes her so much (not that isn't cute or anything). I think too the fact that she is unreachable - ie too far away for anything to really happen or to meet up, makes it easier for him to carry on about his feelings - in other words there is little danger for him to really hang with her face to face.
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 11:50 am
@maxdancona,
I have let her handle it - what I am asking is when should a parent get involved (without them asking - I was involved when she showed me/told me some of his crazy texts). She let me know he has calmed down, but didn't realize he was still texting her alot.

I want to know (realizing right now the situation doesn't warrant it) but when and how to see when I would need to get involved.

According to stats - Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend had threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a break-up. This is hardly being far-fetched. And if something is preventable why wouldn't you try to prevent it?
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 12:02 pm
Your daughter can stop all this by blocking him.

But I wonder: Is she answering him? If so, it's easy to see WHY he continues to text.

Teens text or say most things that pop into their minds. Impulsiveness is the norm. They can hide behind the phone and the miles between them, so he can act more risky in what he texts. He is embolden by the thought that he doesn't really have to talk or even see her in person.

She should tell him to cool the "love talk" if he wants to remain friends. She has to power to control all this. Make sure she knows.

Having raised 4 kids and with 5 grandchildren, I don't find all this unusual.

Butrflynet
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 12:04 pm
@Linkat,
He may just be awkward in expressing his appreciation for her past friendship and eagerness to have her friendship in his life again.

Being the brunt of teasing and ostracizing in school is a very very painful and lonely experience. Been there and had it done to me. The few friends I had were very precious to me.

Keep in touch with your daughter and let her tell you when and if she thinks she needs to put a stop to it. It sounds like you have great communication lines with her. Keep doing that and you will know if things need a stronger intervention from you.
maxdancona
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 12:35 pm
@Linkat,
Quote:
According to stats - Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend had threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a break-up.


I hate these bogus studies (which somehow always seem to end up with the finding that "1 in 5" females are the victim of something). I just looked this one up. This statistic comes from Liz Claiborne as part of a marketing campaign (please let me know if you have another source).

It is an "online survey" with no peer review and no way to control for selection bias. This is junk science as part of a marketing campaign.

The real numbers come from reputable sources, such as the BJS study that says that intimate partner violence among pre-teens is 0.027%.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 01:03 pm
@PUNKEY,
Yes that was my thought too - that he is safer being over the top because he isn't actually talking with her face to face.

she is answering him from time to time - she told him she wanted to remain friends with him - but that is all. So yeah they are chatting and she told him to cool it on the over the top stuff. It appears he has.

she has had boys interested in her. Only one she has shown interest back to date, but alas he no longer likes her (the love life of a teen). Not that she doesn't note when she sees a cute boy-like the one at the gym. But the ones at school she says has asked her out (thank goodness) she was not interested in. I think she makes good choices on that - at least so far.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 01:08 pm
@Butrflynet,
Thanks appreciate it. It isn't something hounding at me - but my husband (having an accident with his phone) has been alternating between the girls phones and noticed he had been texting her alot.

I think she does get worried or maybe a little scared too if it seems too much - she is usually a sensible girl, but I feel she might be a tad naive. She seems so much more innocent than many girls her age.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 01:23 pm
@maxdancona,
I actually got this information from Safehorizon's website.

But for kicks I looked up the Liz Claiborne item you talked of and it was actually done by Teenage Research Unlimited - which is about the one research company known to do research studies on teens. Liz Claiborne fund's for violence against teens and women so it isn't Claiborne doing the actually research and stats.

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/LC_FVPF_LinkTroubledEconomyDatingViolence_6-10-09.pdf
maxdancona
 
  -3  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 01:33 pm
@Linkat,
Ok Linkat, thank you for providing me with further marketing material.

Now let's talk about why this study is scientifically invalid.

1) This was an online survey. Online surveys are known to be scientifically invalid.

2) There was no mention of participation rate. The participation rate is an important number that any scientist would report (unless she was hiding something). A low participation rate means the results are unreliable.

3) There were no attempts to control for selection bias.

4) There was no peer review.

This is not real science. It is political marketing sponsored by a company that is trying to appeal to a middle-class woman demographic.
djjd62
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 01:41 pm
and now a musical interlude



we no return you to your regularly scheduled thread
maxdancona
 
  -3  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 01:45 pm
@maxdancona,
This bothers me because of the negative impact that these fear-based messages have to both girls and boys.

As a parent, I want my sons and my daughter to have healthy relationships based on equality and mutual respect. Relationships have to be based on the idea that both young men and young women have having something to offer each other, and that they are equally deserving and capable of intimacy.

Hyping up the idea that girls are vulnerable and that boys are predatory doesn't lead to healthy relationships. We aren't teaching young adults how to respect each other, or to listen to each other's needs.

Instead we are telling boys not to rape and girls not to trust. Not only is this message destructive to responsible relationships, it is also based on fake facts cooked up to support a political ideology.



0 Replies
 
roger
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 01:51 pm
Not replying to any specific post, it does come across that she would talk to you if it became a problem again. I don't think I would worry too much unless she does.
0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 02:34 pm
@djjd62,
Excellent sound track . . .
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  4  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 02:45 pm
@maxdancona,
Ok if you like BJS - they also support the 1 in 5 stat.

Nearly 1 in 5 teen girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend had threatened violence or self harm if presented with a breakup.4

4 Rennison, Callie Marie and Sarah Welchans. 2003. Intimate Partner Violence 1993-2001. U.S. Department of Justice Bureau of Justice Statistics. Washington, DC. Retrieved January 9, 2004. http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/abstract/ipv01.htm.

http://www.azmag.gov/Documents/pdf/cms.resource/Teen_and_Dating_Violence_Facts10254.pdf

And some other from BJS
Myths about teen dating violence
MYTH: “Violence in teen relationships is not as serious a problem as domestic violence among adults.”
FACT: 22% of all murders of females ages 16 to 19 are committed by a current or former dating partnerxx, and teen dating
violence is a major cause of injuries among young women.xxi Adolescent girls are more likely than adult women to be
victims of interpersonal violence, and to incur both minor and severe injuries as a result.xxii
MYTH: “Today’s young women are just as violent as young men—there is a lot of mutual abuse in teen relationships.”
FACT: While both females and males can both be perpetrators or victims of dating violence, young women in heterosexual
relationships are more likely to be injured, more likely to be sexually assaulted, and more likely to suffer emotionally than
young men.xxiii

http://www.phi.org/uploads/application/files/tclc858ekss4bgd598vmntzlfx2quiqklnyak8ehxllzegrm9j.pdf
xxii Bureau of Justice Statistics. (2003) Crime Data Brief: Intimate partner violence, 1993-2001. Available at: http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/ipv01.pdf.

xx Bureau of Justice Statistics. (2002) Press Release: Violence Rates Among Intimate Partners Differ Greatly According to Age. Available at: http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/press/ipva99pr.htm.

xxvi Bureau of Justice Statistics. (2005). Offender Characteristics. Available at: http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/intimate/offender.htm#age.


However, my concern (not that I am not concerned about other teens) is my daughter - and knowing my daughter I am to protect her if she needs it. Just like making sure she always wears her seatbelt, that I teach her defensive driving, not drinking and driving and other common sense items. Even if the stats are low, I would take common sense measures to keep her safe and knowledgeable so she does not become a statistic in one of these reports.
maxdancona
 
  0  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 03:20 pm
@Linkat,
Linkat, let's get the facts straight.

1) Your links to BJS seem to be broken. My link to BJS (which works) disputes your figures. You might try linking to them again... and please show me exactly where BJS repeats the 1 in 5 claim (because it doesn't).

2) The quote you make titled "Myths about teen dating violence" is not from the BJS as you claim. It is apparently from "azmag".

3) Most of the statistics in the "azmag" pamphlet are not from scientific studies. These statistics are from political groups, not from peer reviewed research. The Liz Claiborne unscientific online survey we discussed before is referenced in this piece.

4) The 22% number doesn't even make logical sense. There aren't very many murders in the 16 to 19 age group. That 22% of these murders are from intimate partners doesn't change the fact that teenagers aren't murdered very often by anyone,

0 Replies
 
 

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