When is a boy's interest over the top?

Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 03:30 pm
Intimate Partner Violence 1993-2001. U.S. Department of Justice Bureau of Justice Statistics

I think I just found the link you are referring to


It says

Intimate partner violence — by current or former spouses, boyfriends,
or girlfriends — made up 20% of all nonfatal violence against females
age 12 or older in 2001.

This is not saying what that 20% of females experience violence. It is saying that of 5 females who experience violence, 1 of them will experience it from an intimate partner.

If you look at the graph, you will see that the number of females who experience violence is about 5 per 1000 (or 0.5%). Simple math with the above fact would imply that about 2.5% of females experience violence of any kind.

Let's at least get the facts straight.
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Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 03:32 pm

Domestic Violence Statistics

Survey of Recent Statistics

This survey is provided as a service for legal practitioners and advocates who may find it useful to include current statistical data in their arguments to the court. It is not intended to be a comprehensive listing of research in the area of domestic violence.

All citations conform to the format for court documents described in The Bluebook: A Uniform System of Citation (18th Ed.).


18-24 year-olds comprised only 11.7% of the population in 1998 and 2002, but were the majority of victims of violence committed by a boyfriend or girlfriend (42%).

Matthew R. Durose et al., U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 207846, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Family Violence Statistics: Including Statistics on Strangers and Acquaintances, at 11 (2005), available at http://www. ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/fvs. pdf

Approximately one in five female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner.

Jay G. Silverman et al., Dating Violence Against Adolescent Girls and Associated Substance Use, Unhealthy Weight Control, Sexual Risk Behavior, Pregnancy, and Suicidality, 286 J. Am. Med. Ass'n 572-579 (2001).

In a study of eighth and ninth graders, 25 percent indicated that they had been victims of dating violence, including eight percent who disclosed being sexually abused.

Vangie A. Foshee et al., The Safe Date Project: Theoretical Basis, Evaluation Design, and Selected Baseline Findings, 12 Am. J. of Preventive Med. 39 (1996).

In a survey of 232 high school girls, 17.8% of the participants indicated that they had been forced to engage in sexual activity against their will by a dating partner.

David R. Jezl, Christian E. Molidor & Tracy L. Wright, Physical, Sexual & Psychological Abuse in High School Dating Relationships: Prevalence Rates and Self-esteem Issues, 13 Child & Adolescent Soc. Work J. 69 (1996).

Among female students between the ages of 15-20 who reported at least one violent act during a dating relationship, 24% reported experiencing extremely violent incidents such as rape or the use of weapons against them.

P.Y. Symons et al., Prevalence and Predictors of Adolescent Dating Violence, 7 J. of Child & Adolescent Pediatric Nursing 14 (1994).

Girls who reported that they had been sexually or physically abused were more than twice as likely as non abused girls to report smoking (26% versus 10%), drinking (22% versus 12%), and using illegal drugs (30% versus 13%). In addition, 32 percent of girls who had been abused reported bingeing and purging, compared to 12 percent of girls who had not been abused.

Cathy Schoen et al., The Commonwealth Fund, The Commonwealth Fund Survey of the Health of Adolescent Girls (1997).

In a study of 724 adolescent mothers between the ages of 12-18, one of every eight pregnant adolescents reported having been physically assaulted by the father of her baby during the preceding 12 months. Of these, 40 percent also reported experiencing violence at the hands of a family member or relative.

Constance M. Wiemann et al., Pregnant Adolescents: Experiences and Behaviors Associated with Physical Assault by an Intimate Partner, 4 Maternal & Child Health J. 93 (2000).

Physical aggression occurs in 1 in 3 teen dating relationships.

Sarah Avery-Leaf & Michele Cascardi, Dating Violence Education: Prevention and Early Intervention Strategies, in Preventing Violence in Relationships 82 (Paul A. Schewe ed., 2002).

this pdf seems to be referenced frequently

Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 03:38 pm
However, my concern (not that I am not concerned about other teens) is my daughter - and knowing my daughter I am to protect her if she needs it. Just like making sure she always wears her seatbelt, that I teach her defensive driving, not drinking and driving and other common sense items. Even if the stats are low, I would take common sense measures to keep her safe and knowledgeable so she does not become a statistic in one of these reports.

Do you really believe teaching your daughter to fear relationships (or potential relationships) is a good thing? Your fear is not based on facts, if you actually read the scientific data (i.e. from BJS) you see that the risk is much lower than you are painting it.

More important, you daughter is going to be working with men, studying with men, dating men (probably), having intimate relationships with men (if she chooses) and perhaps raising a family with a man. I don't see how teaching her to fear men is at all helpful.

We all want to raise our daughters to have confidence and self-respect. Those of us who have sons want the same for them. In my opinion the best way to do this is to teach mutual respect as a way to have healthy equal relationships.

Teaching one gender to fear the other isn't helpful.

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Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 03:39 pm
Linkat wrote:
I noticed that he texts her several times a day. Nothing alarming in the words - just friendly hi, how are you, what's going sort of thing. But he texts several times a day.

Is this a worry? When would it be?

overall it seems pretty normal - one of my friends tells me her daughter (14 y.o.) gets/receives 200- 300 texts on a normal day
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Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 04:14 pm

I see one valid scientific study that backs up your claim (even though it is contradicted by the BJS numbers). That is the J. G. Silverman et al.

The statistics you are cutting and pasting are from an admittedly biased source. It is one sided doesn't even attempt to mention any data that doesn't support their case. Some of them are pretty hard to explain when taken together.

The shame is that our society is now teaching that boys are to be feared and that girls are to be protected. This makes it very difficult for our young adults, both young men and young women, to learn to have healthy mutually respectful relationships. Since they will have to learn to work together and date (if they choose) and have intimate relationships with each other, this is not good for either gender.

Did you raise a boy EhBeth?
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2015 04:59 pm
Linkat.....I'm wondering if she is feeling burdened by it at all? I know kids text like my generation talked to friends on the phone...obsessively.

I'd be wanting to support her in working out her radar on when boundaries are being breached because, as you point out, she is likely to need it.

She clearly has great radar when it's clearly obsessive and that is wonderful to see. It's become either ok or lower level boundary crowding. I'd be wanting to help her tease it out as to how she feels and whether she wants to make even firmer limits. If she does, it's in the boy's interests as well if she does act, as it can only be good for him to learn to understand boundaries.

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Reply Sat 26 Sep, 2015 02:44 am
Surveys and studies about social interactions or situations make for interesting collections of data, but they rarely (if ever) provide a good foundation to base fundamental life decisions upon. Either they scare the bejeesus out of a person with nightmarish 'truths', of they can provide a false sense of security because odds seem so 'low' anything bad could happen.

The children of today live in a world that is nigh impossible to compare with the world we grew up in (I'm talking about 25 to 50 years ago). The internet makes for a fabulous, if at times very, very frightening, means of communicating with each other. People from all over the world can find each other with a few clicks and swipes, and that also holds true for that boy living close to an hour away.

Truth be told, he sounds rather harmless. Life of the bullied is a lonely place I once resided in as well. Children who show kindness and understanding are a godsend at times, and the desire of a bully victim to latch onto them , in part for protection, in part out of loneliness, is big. It was for me.

Your daughter won't be protection, due to physical distance, but she can obviously be a friend. If you truly want to find out if this boy is obsessive about your daughter is to get in touch with his folks, and see if they have a global indication of how many people he texts each day. If he stays in touch with four or more children as well, I reckon it's nothing to worry about in the first place. If it's just your daughter, than it might be prudent to remain observant...

But, following in everyone's footsteps here, let your daughter handle it. Being socially adept at handling boys is going to be very useful down the road of your daughters life. So every lesson she gets in it is going to pay of its dividends later.

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Reply Sat 26 Sep, 2015 06:03 am
For a kid over 12 I would get involved when she said "mom, this boy is acting weird".
Reply Sun 27 Sep, 2015 11:17 pm
maxdancona wrote:

... our society is now teaching that boys are to be feared and that girls are to be protected.

This isn't something new. For kids attending private schools ( especially those associated with a religion) the emphasis over the past years, prior to about 1960,wasn't really on fearing boys, but rather on protecting girls from becoming pregnant .Girls were taught both at home and at school how to maintain a high level of decency, which of course included how to "deal" with boys.

Today, the word decent is rarely, if ever heard in a class room. Kids are given lessions in "health" and methods of contraception are evaluated ( at least in Public Schools)..

Girls today still need to be protected at home, in school and on the streets.
A very few boys may become somewhat aggressive towards girls, but if things look like they could be getting out of control, the police and the boy's parents should be contacted.

Girls who are open and respectful of their teachers and parents will be willing to discuss their concerns about agressive boys and other things of ordinary life.

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Reply Sun 27 Sep, 2015 11:22 pm
hawkeye10 wrote:

For a kid over 12 I would get involved when she said "mom, this boy is acting weird".

So would I.
Reply Mon 28 Sep, 2015 01:21 am
How many parents anymore have this kind of a relationship with their kids? It seems to me that now the norm is that parents only know what their kids want them to know, and this is not much because the kids dont trust the parents. I dont know that this is true in linkats case, but in any case my advice is not intended to be universal.
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Reply Mon 28 Sep, 2015 07:58 am
I agree with most here - I do not believe he is a threat and I also believe my daughter is handling it well - and letting me know when he gets over the top. When this happened, I gave her my thoughts and advice and listened to what she said and then she handled it. It seemed to work.

I was more reaching out to see if there is anything I am missing. Am I being one of those parents who after the fact missed some sort of sign that this boy is a potential stalker or something like that. You always hear these parents saying I had no clue....well I want to have a clue and I'd rather sound panicky than miss something right in front of my face.

Am I panicky - no - but I figured it doesn't hurt to hear how others may view or see this. I think it was hawk that said -- many parents only know what their kids let them or want them to know. I'd rather know a bit more.
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