Issue with girlfriend and parents

And, added to this. This is out 3rd break-up. We had a short one week come back earlier this year about one week after she had broken with me for the first time, when she told me she thought she had made a mistake but then again after a week of being back together, she said the emotions just weren't there. We have during these four months stayed in touch and she has been about to rebound before, so this is another rebound in a long series of them, ever since we started dating, happened more than once that one day she decided she didn't love me anymore but then later same day she thought she did etc etc, it's a sequence of events so far.
So rebounding is exactly what happened now, she wanted me back because she said she had made a mistake but when it actually happened, when I did come back and spent time with her, she said she didn't feel any attraction anymore, neither physically or emotionally, nevertheless, we had a decent time in NYC, we were a couple, not strangers, and she sought being close to me, wrapping her arm around my waist whenever, holding my hand, kissing, aroused when caressed by me so I have no idea where this comes from but she puzzles me, to the deepest level and it is my impression she doesn't know what she wants.

Still, I woke up this morning realizing how strange it feels not to be with her, because there's a rightness about us, this time I felt it stronger than ever before. Just like the feeling of rightness of us struck me when she wanted me back. Just like I'm prepared to face difficulties knowing that things take time and things may be rough at the moment but you know if they are passing, if you have the sense of having common ground. So the fact that our time together wasn't perfect didn't bother me much because there were things that told me that it didn't matter, we had fought worse difficulties. I knew that you have to see the whole picture in order to have a solid opinion on the matter.
She, on the other hand, seems to have let the past few days define our entire relationship and all the time we spent together and thought it reason enough to break up even if we have overcome worse things in the past.

But maybe we both need to gain insight and maturity, I don't wish to sit around but intend to see other people and gain experience, I have a sense that this story is far from over, and I've come to trust my hunches, not that I know now if I'd want her back or not, it's a decision for if and when that happens.

You seem concerned about what she wants. Do you feel she is at all concerned about what you want? Does she know what you want?

Are you a person to her or simply an actor in her ongoing personal drama?

Maybe I've been too self-effacing, or attempted to be. I have often heard about my issues and about the problems it means being with me, she's called me selfish quite a few times recently. Something I reject, I try to be generous, emotionally and materially and I think I am, more than most.
I try to be supportive and tell her often how much I appreciate her and how good she is in her professional work as well as in other ways, compliment her on the way she dresses, looks and wears her hair, no sucking up, I say what I honestly think.

Problem is, I haven't got much of that back, she usually only talks about me when I do something she disapproves of. I can go on myself, I don't need constant approval, even if I seek it from her sometimes, perhaps out of lacking self-esteem or maybe a desire to please her, I hope it's because I love her and wishes to make her happy rather than a need for confirmation. But with her constantly analyzing my behavior turning it in order to support her views of me as a somewhat weak person, it's easy to fall pray to her reasoning, it's rather manipulating, even if it's probably not intended to be.

I want someone I can be mutual with, give and take, and we have talked about it and she said, months ago, that she can't be that way. Maybe she changed her view when she decided to come back as she knew all that, and when she needs me she turns all humble and understanding but usually she leaves little room for my needs. She won't humor me, I once asked her to come with me seeing a couple I know, just because it would make me happy, they're great people too, people I'm sure she'd like, she flat-out refused "I don't know them, why do I have to come?".

My role changes from time to time, the final few days she was just outright pissed with me, for what I could see, no good reasons at all and she refused to tell what the problem was. During our last meal she said some rather hurtful things, final word she said to me was "asshole"... It was above me to return it, some time ago I would have burst and lashed out but I'm not letting it touch me anymore.
She is often painfully honest, sometimes hurtfully so, she can make you cry, believe me, and she thinks it's for your best. I have often heard: "you make me stressed out", "you make me upset", "I don't need this", "this is not what I need in my life" when in fact she brings much of that on her by the way she treats me, I don't get upset for no reason, but I've stopped being upset, it's no use. She doesn't really care about my limits, so I've stopped showing when she breaks them, I just take a deep breath and let it slide off, like water on a goose. But then again, I used to be very touchy.
A few days ago, during a meal, she said some rather offensive things about my country and my nationality just to see how I reacted, I was furious inside but rationally knew she was joking so I didn't respond to the nonsense, but my emotions showed in my body language and she mocked me for being a hothead, even if she acted with malicious intent.

When it comes to emotions, her needs go before what she feels, everything is weighed on the "me scale", and if she does something for me or submits to something less beneficial to her she expects me to understand that and make amends later.
She has issues compromising and being flexible, we had a fight about purchasing a tie for my father, she still brings it up as an example of me not listening to views of others, when I then made it clear that I appreciated her advice but I wanted to make the choice, when I said I didn't agree with her choice, she got angry and left the store, didn't talk to me for half an hour.

I have been hoping that she will see these things and understand the necessity of meeting me halfway, when it's obvious she wants me she still has problems making amends to make sure we both are happy. Not to say she hasn't made any amends or adjusted to my needs, she has in important aspects which I'm very happy for, but there are still things that aren't as mutual as I believe they should be.
Much of my desire and love for her rest in a firm belief that we will both understand each other's needs better, I also have problems understanding hers but I always try to adjust and better support her.
I am hoping we will be able to compromise out of respect and love for each other. But then, I'm a romantic in many ways.

Reading this, I want to make a disclaimer, you have to remember that all you read is my side of the story and even if I try to be objective, I cannot, and relationships aren't objective by any means, issues seem different from different people and different times and perspectives, they change and flow like water in a river.

random sunspots--

You're obviously a bit of an optimist.

Are you a realist?

Do you enjoy dancing court on a flawed woman?

No, maybe I'm not realistic enough. I'm very optimistic, unlike her. But my patience is running out.

I'm glad to hear your patience is limited--better a finite supply of patience than a finite supply of common sense and self respect.

I've only read up till up to here, but it sounds like you have a good handle on things. There's a lot of wisdom in this sentence here alone.

I am impressed with your ability to see yourself and talk about it, and your efforts to see her side of things.

I'm a bit worried that you may be taking a common background and affection and need.. to be a kind of fated-to-be bond.

I think you both need more experience in different directions. I really want you to go off on your own, meet more people and learn and love. I don't like seeing you volunteer for this level of controlling, when you are just beginning to gain real footing.

M'opinion, you can still love her and wish her well, but I sort of cringe to see you "mired" in this situation. I don't see staying as growth, or never mind growth, good for either of you.

We all speak from our own experiences here, and you will best listen to yourself.

Well, she is mostly criticizing me for not being able to carry out a decent conversation, intimacy problems we've had and that I lack maturity.
Funny enough, what we first realized was how well we communicate and we could talk for hours on end, we had so much to say and gave each other so much meaning and insight. When things are well between us we can talk, about anything, but when we're on less amicable terms things aren't as smooth.
This is also something you can't go blame one individual for, it just isn't my fault that we don't talk as much as we'd both desire. So this is just plain meaningless.

As for intimacy, I believe much stems from the fact that she has more experience than me and I had to measure up, that was clear from the way she talked about it from day one.
But it isn't just sex alone, she says I can't touch or caress her as a decent person any manner, that I can't kiss her properly, that I'm uncomfortable being close or touching her, not that I feel uncomfortable, I enjoy it very much, and I miss it everyday I'm not around her, but she says I can't relax enough and that I'm not comfortable enough with myself to be with someone else. Further, she says I deny it to myself, thus our disagreement.
Over the past few months, I've gained much insight and felt more secure, in all ways and I doubted we'd have these issues when we met again but she had already made the mold for me, one under-par kiss was what it took for her to disqualify me.
My family background plays a role here, it is rather emotionally void, little hugging or signs of affection and I hate it, it's unnatural and a result of the way my parents were raised and I don't want to end up like them so when I'm with her I'm very much opposite to that.
Maybe I am unable to be physically close with someone or I really can't handle physical contact well, my thoughts have been turning from it either being a result of our relationship, own lack of confidence or an actual disability, something I would need to talk to my therapist about.

As for maturity, it is hard to judge, but I think I try to empathize more than most, and carry myself better. But she has a way she can twist my heart and bring me to my knees, have me cry should she desire. She can punch me where it hurts the most, and she does, so when she criticizes me she doesn't just tell me what my issues are, she does it in a way that takes big chunks of my self-esteem. When I tell her that she says it's just me being weak and that is why I let it hurt me.
I get cranky sometimes, I don't sulk but I show when I feel injured, not because things don't go my way, it doesn't matter much to me, I'm flexible like that. But if I feel really hurt, then I turn to myself for a while to contemplate and find strength, then I get out of it. It happened now last time, I sat down and felt rather hurt but after half an hour I realized there was no point in it, there was nothing I could think of that would make any difference so I put it aside and put on a smile. It's really easy if you just know how.

As all in all, reasoning like this is pointless. Like you have pointed out, I'm looking out for her needs, my needs are seldom on the table, though occasionally they have been but she hasn't dealt with my opinions very well, got upset when they differed from hers.
I keep in mind though, you can't be logical about emotions, and if it works, it works, otherwise you better move on. I hope I'll find someone who is better at looking out for my needs, because I'd like to feel a little bit more appreciated.

Um...random...(may I call you by your first name? )...your girlfriend is seriously over-analyzing everything. And you're starting to do it, too. This is a BIG red flag.

People in good relationships don't analyze everything...they just let it flow and let things happen. I know what I'm talking about. I had a disastrous first marriage where every little thing was given more meaning than it actually had. It drove us crazy, and it'll do the same to you. Now that I'm with someone who's basically compatible, there is no need for all that. We just get along...and have, for more than 20 years. It's easy.

Good grief! This makes me say, RUN. Or walk very fast. Wish her well, if she calls or emails, but move on. I wouldn't even discuss it, that just pulls you into her mental construct of your association, and her construct of who you are.

Eva: Yeah, she's been going at it since we were just friends. I've been all kinds of "textbook cases" to her so far. My past has been dissected and reassembled and I've been basically made to believe that I have a lot of issues when I in fact think my major issues are a lack of self-esteem and a fear of being selfish and not very sensitive and empathic, something which is probably rather far from reality. Still, I'm glad I see a shrink, nice to be able to talk to someone who has a professional approach.
I've often found myself hoping things could be simpler with this woman, that she could just accept me, be supporting of me and my decisions instead of criticizing, because I accept and love her as she is but I should realize that it won't happen. Nevetheless, I think I've become a more humble and self-reliant person since I've started to know her, grown as a person, something I will benefit from at all levels of life, I hope.

Ossobuco: Yes, I should. I'm sometimes glad me and her are an ocean apart. She has all kinds of rational reasons not to want me yet she comes back time and time again but I can't live with that and let her manipulate my image of myself, it's very destructive. It wouldn't make any of us two happy in the long run.
I should move on, I had, when she called me that day, but I wasn't with anyone so I decided to give it a shot and ended up even more hurt. Well, better to have loved and lost than not loved at all, I think.

With the "right" person, being who you are and growing within yourself will be an enjoyment, not an excuse to whine and fight.

Dump her.

I think you are right. My life is a lot less complicated now, calmer, less stressful and I can focus on what I really need and want to do, as much as I want and need.

I'm just not so sure what to do about my therapist. Should I keep seeing him? Over the months I've changed perspective on me, that I earlier looked up a flaws in my character now appears more like characteristics of me. I was afraid of becoming abusive but I've lately realized how she abused me by frequently challenging and judging me and being rude and instead of fighting back I turned the other cheek, I've later realized she used abuse as an excuse, when I wasn't yelling back she called me abusive and said I was abusively "neglecting" her by not paying her enough attention when I was sometimes sorting out emotions, dealing with a situtation rationally rather than emotionally.
The issue is with her, but I've become more aware of myself and I think that maybe continue to see a therapist will help me improve my self-awareness even more. But I don't have any clearly defined issues I want to correct, even though some things about me confuse me, for example my bad memory. I sometimes forgot things she said and I had to ask again and that infuriated her, but it's my scatterbrain, sometimes things don't stick so I carry my agenda with me whenever I can. She thought I only remembered things that concerned me, so she considered it me being selfish or not very interested in others and it baffles me because I really try to pay people attention.

Earlier today I watched an old episode of Six Feet Under, one of my fave shows and I realized that my ex and Brenda aren't so different in their upbringing and maybe also in the people they have become. I watched an episode from season two, and her and Nate have a huge fight, it was some of the best acting I've seen. Or maybe it just felt like something I could relate to. Oh well, HBO makes great TV nevertheless.

I can't comment on the tv show...

but the therapist sounds helpful.

Aye, think so too, better give the man a call this week.

I think you are going well, but you don't have the self confidence in it...

I don't know, I think I have the confidence but I'm easily (too easily) critical of myself. I like to see that as a quality rather than a flaw in me.