Issue with girlfriend and parents

Hi,

I have been dating a girl since February, we met online, she's American, I am from Europe and I went to see her in March and May. Things were going smooth, there weren't any major issues until we hit a major hitch, related to my parents and my upbringing.

My upbringing hasn't been as good as I've wanted to tell myself, maybe I've been in denial or maybe just incapable of grasping the complications of what has happened. What has taken place is abuse, beating as well as verbal. Our mother has beaten and made us (me and my sole brother at that time) subject to twisted treatment, she put us on the floor and walked on us. I believe this happened once or twice.

Also, our father has at least once (all that I can remember) beaten us, put us on the floor, and beaten our bottoms with a flat hand.
Besides this abuse, my parents have also when losing their temper said hurtful and obnoxious things to us.

From originally having accepted these things as natural, as taking place in any family, I've slowly, over the months come to accept that my parents' behavior has been abusive.

Ever since I told my girlfriend about these things she's been very clear that she believes I should cut all contact to my parents, it would also mean a partial break with my brothers. One of whom still lives with them (age 16) and one who is 21 and has moved out but hasn't stepped away like I have.

All this has been extremely emotionally pressing for me. I do understand her point of view and even worse is that I've felt that I've had to make a choice, between her or them. The last few months have been hell for me.

What also must be understood is that even though my parents have done these things, it's in the far past, and they have as long as I can remember supported and helped me. I believe they sincerely look out for what's best for me and my siblings. They admit their mistakes, they seem truly shook by them and they know they can't undo them or even expect forgiveness. Despite what they have done and who they are I feel that I find it meaningful to spend time with them and they aren't bad people, they aren't selfish, arrogant, narcissistic or abusive. But they have temper, they can fight over small things. They can be very cruel and hurtful if angry even if I haven't had to suffer that for a very long time. Maybe things have changed or the years or it is a result of me being an adult, not spending as much time with them as I used to. I am nowadays treated with respect, maybe because they're very afraid of me turning them my back. I don't know.
I also feel that even if I don't depend on them, I'm having my own personal life apart from them, they act in my interest and wouldn't put themselves before me.

Their marriage hasn't been the best either, for as long as I can remember they have been fighting, usually every day. I have grown up in a rather aggresive environment and it has shaped me and this is what frightens me the most. My behavior is very much like theirs, I'm easily feeling cornered or hurt and I'm usually very quick to respond. I do not fight, but I'm verbal. My girlfriend, who is not shy with words and who isn't very diplomatic when it comes to telling people who they are, have taken much verbal beating. I haven't called her words but I've turned things against her. It's been enforced by the fact that she like me doesn't take much **** and is often dramatic, we've been like water and fire. It's been a very emotionally difficult time for the both of us.

In my fear that I'll one day develop a behavior like my parents', to one day verbally and physically abuse my family and partner, maybe not repeatedly, but one time is one time too many, I've sough help with a therapist. In all my dealings with therapists I've had problems communicating these fears.

My now ex-girlfriend, even if we've tried to patch things up recently, has told me that unless I break contact with my parents I will one day beat my own future children, become just like them.

I have have been changing opinion on the matter, one of the things she couldn't stand, I've been ambivalent, from total agreement with her to believing that my parents are alright. It has been extremely difficult to know what to do, to do the right thing though now I feel however that I've reached some kind of conclusion.

I would like to remain in touch with my parents, after having talked to them, very much, I believe they act in my interest and are sincere in their interest to sort things out. The past cannot be undone, there's no point in reliving it but to move and I'm hoping they can accept what they've done for what it is and maybe put an end to it. I want to put my younger brother out of harm's way as soon as possible as he still lived in their house.

Following her advice I didn't talk to them for over three months. I can't say it caused me harm being away from them but I was reminded of my family every day and it felt like a great sadness to have them out of my life.

I also know that I'm probably naive, my ex has been telling me that they cannot change or see things for what they are, she says I need to think of what is best for me and cut them away. This has been extremely difficult for me to accept, because I feel that I have something meaningful with them. It doesn't feel right to cut them away, I can't say that they deserve to have children, they've failed as parents but people fail. I want to be a forgiving person and yesterday I decided to try to keep them in life, yet limit their role in it, and be to them as an equal adult, recognizing their qualities as well as their shortcomings staying at a safe distance. Maybe I can't, maybe you either know them or you don't, as I've been told.

I know my mother is unstable, probably is unhealthily dependent on other people to function. I believe both my parents are mutually dependent on each other, the main reason for their marriage to still be. I also believe that this dependence is my they rather made me and my siblings live through their fights rather then file for a divorce.

I can recognize all this, I can see it for what it is. I can without a doubt say that I never want to turn into anything like that.

Seeing them, I can't look at them like I did, when I was blissfully ignorant, or in denial, I know what they are, what they have done but I also recognize their desire and capability to do me well. I hope that I can lead a healthy life, not following their path and bringing the same onto my future children without totally breaking with them.

As it is now, my ex calls me weak, she cannot be with me as long as I do not break with my parents. As I said, we have been trying to patch things up but this is an obstacle we can't get past.
I've told her she would never have to see them and I'm also very aware of how my upbringing has shaped me, always afraid she'll suffer from it. I'm also seeing a therapist to deal with my own shortcomings and I try to be aware of who I am and what I do.

I have been hoping that she would understand that I have to do things my way and that if she loves me, she will respect my decisions and support me but she says she cannot respect someone who is weak like me. It saddens me very much and I hope I have done the right thing. If she cannot stand by my side through this I cannot have a future with her. That's what I think. I have to do what I feel is right, if it means losing her then it's something I have to accept.

There's much else to say about this, I've tried to be brief. If anyone out there has been through something similar or feel they have thoughts or experienced to share, please do.