My wife has little interest in our marriage.

Funny, when you put it like that, it sounds like you are saying if she does not defer to your desires then she obviously is not interested in the marriage. (I noticed you put retouch an old family photo in quotes; U take it you do not believe this is what she was doing?).

This is a valid subject though and I wish you the best of luck. If you are tired of being the only one trying to work on the marriage then you should start taking steps to look after yourself and do what you want to. The other immediate option is to treat her the way she treats you. I admit, the first one has worked for me (at times), and I have not had the heart to do the second.
People rarely change their attitudes, opinions, etc. unless there is something to challenge that. If she is not having her actions match her words then obviously her word does not mean that much to her. This also leads to teh fact that she may not take your words to heart either. I can guarantee you she will have some change (for better or worse) if you stop waiting for her to have a change of heart.

You need not be a martyr to this marriage or to your child. However, a number of us have given advice before (to separate and consider perhaps ending the marriage), and that advice was rejected out of hand. I imagine that advice will be rejected again. I am sorry you will not even consider it.

If you want to make it work, and she claims she will work on things but then doesn't, I think the next step is to try to hold her to it. When she tries to escape to work on the photo album (or whatever), tell her no. Tell her this is more important and the damned photo can wait. And see what happens. My position, still, is that you should not be the one doing all the work here, but what I'm also seeing here is the possibility that there is some passivity going on. I mean, what did you say to her when she escaped to the crafts room? Or did you just let it slide? You can say no, that's not acceptable to you. You don't have to just sit and take it.

Wizard it is time to be a man!

Tell her straight the situation, she is your wife SHE should understand! Point out what she does and tell her how you feel. You both need to sit down and talk this through.

As a last resort RIP UP THE FAMILY PHOTO j/kidding

Perhaps you just haven't described things very well. You make it sound like you just expect different things out of the marriage than she does.

Apparantly I've missed some earlier comments.

That course of action is probably going to breed resentment on her behalf. It would sound as if he is treating her like a child, who needs to be home for family dinner because "that is what families do". If he has the kind of wife that responds better to that kind of forceful treatment, then he is in luck. I think that most likely the best result is she sits there watching t.v. etc., all the while thinking of the other stuff she needs/wants to do. Forcing her to do things is not going to change her feelings.

Tell her your serious about not being satisfied with the status quo.

Tell her "Here is your big red flag," because many women and men say they neversaw the signs that their marriages were in real trouble.

And, stealing from Dr Phil--Don't just say there's trouble...offer specific things that can save your marriage.

Before you talk to her, think of three specific things she can do to improve your feelings about your marriage. Be specific. Instead of 'spend more time with me', list: two nights a week, we have dinner together (at home or out) and watch a movie on the VCR---or

Go to marriage counselling with me twice a month, or

Make it a priority to spend intimate time together twice a week...

Just whatever will really make a difference to you.

Offer to let her make a list, too. Her avoidance may be based on something YOU are doing, or not doing.

Good luck.

PS-- I have done this with my husband about three times at different points in our 25 years together.

Tip-- Don't do it when you're mad.

The communication that conversations like this can evoke is rich. The give and take has the ability to take you to a new level of understanding and intimacy.

Pulling for you!

Sofia, that is great advice, but I still reckon he should rip up that family album.

But your advice is much better WIZARD there is your solution, take it.

I've read The Five Languages of Love too...It's a good one. While reading it though, you may get so excited about these great suggestions to help you with your marriage....remember, you must do the exercises. Have you? Maybe you can ask your wife to go through the book with you. (There's also a "Five Love Languages" book for better understanding children.)

I'm sorry, that wasn't very good advice i just gave you. if your wife does not respond to your signals, it does sound like the best thing to do at this point is to sit her down and talk to her. i liked what sofia had to offer. i'm impressed that youread that book. you really are trying! sorry for the lower cases, holding our little one in left arm!

jespah, I have seriously considered separation, (and divorce), now and in the past. But that's a massive step, one I don't want to take just yet.

I got mad, and told her almost what I posted here. That I felt she gave our marriage the lowest priority.

Now that I think about it, I think I'm wrong about that. With my wife, the most critical problems seem to get the least amount of attention, not out of lack of caring, but out of fear of failure, or fear that she'll find out that we're better off apart.

She said she'll read the Five Languages of Love, but again she claims "lack of time" to read it, yet she gives time to (by comparison) trivial pursuits. But she insists she'll read it now.

I think she's starting to realize that she has to do SOMETHING if she wants to stay in the relationship.

I haven't even been able to wear my wedding ring for the last few months. I just couldn't put it on. I read, (I think it was in Five Languages), that that's a sign of the last stages of a marriage.

Well, I've never read the book but it sounds to me like that's about right (the bit about not wearing your wedding ring).

And I didn't mean to sound like I was suggesting you force her by saying no. What I mean is, you don't need to just accept it when she tunes you out. With most couples, if one says, "We need to talk. Now.", the other one gets the hint and turns off the TV and faces the other. But your wife doesn't seem to get subtle signals, hence my suggestion that you be more direct. I'm not saying to just get in her face - that's a recipe for a fight that won't resolve anything.

But this stalemate isn't helping things. I like the idea of saying "This is your red flag." I mean, I think you need to be fairly obvious here.



And then mean it. Walk that walk. Lay it ALL out on the line and see what happens. If you can do it calmly, so much the better. I think you may only be able to make this speech once, so be ready. That is, if you say these words and then not finish your thought or not say everything, you may not get another opportunity to be this frank. Good luck.

I like sofia's suggestion. You need to be specific as to what you are expecting from your marriage. She is not a mind reader and maybe she just doesn't take hints well. Or perhaps she feels that she shouldn't have to take hints; that you will just be frank and honest with her. Either way, sometimes one partner thinks that they are doing what the other partner wants when really they aren't.

As anyone who is married knows, it is damn hard work, especially when you have children. Making time for just the two of you is difficult. Send the baby(s) / child (ren) to grandmas or a friends and sit down and talk about what is going on. Tell her that this is the last chance and that if she cannot find time to sit down and discuss your marriage, you cannot remain in the marriage. It sounds as if perhaps you need to re-discover each others needs and wants. Maybe they are completely different but you won't know until you talk. You need to find out if your marriage is worth saving. I wish you all the best.

Thanks for all the good advice everyone.

I DO need to schedule some time to talk with her. By the time the kid is in bed she's usually working on freelance or sleeping herself. I got too impatient and made a big mistake. I started talking about it in front of our kid in the car. I tried to keep it civil, but she started ripping into me right away so the conversation had to come to a rapid close.

I have to resort to discussing the issues through email as bizarre as that sounds. With email each side gets to "have their say" without being interrupted or shouted down. It's strange to live in the same apartment as someone yet have no way to discuss this subject other than through email.

She just seems VERY reluctant to devote even 15 minutes to this. But she's an email junkie so I know she'll see my emails.

Whatever works. E mailing an exchange of opinions is certainly more civilized than snarling in front of the kids.

Remember, though, dialogue--not monologue. Can you come up with five or six ways that her life isn't peaches and cream either? If not, why not.

Just wanted to pop in and agree whoever said that having discussions like this --shaky marriage-- is REALLY BAD in front of the kids.

They have nightmares and increased insecurity over this stuff. Even a clean divorce is better for them that agonizing over the the discord.

It still sounds to me like the problem is just you not understanding her. It sounds like there are other threads on this subject, could you point me to one?

I agree with Noddy, you should look into your relationship and come prepared for the scheduled chats about how you think her life might not be so great either. Even if you are wrong, it will promote a discussion. Also, your wife seems passive-aggressive. I'm familiar with this, having been through it myself. It's not that she places a higher priority on her side projects than your marriage, (and please, make this easier on yourself and do not dismiss her hobbies as trivial), but these diversions are just a sign that she needs time and space to sort out her thoughts before engaging in a rational discussion. The more you push her, the more she will retreat.