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Confused about my sexuality

 
 
ranin
 
Reply Sat 5 Sep, 2015 12:11 pm
I'm 23, male, and I'm really confused about my sexuality. I seem to be attracted to male bodies, I would definitely get turned on by other guys. But that's all - I would never have sex with a man. Even thinking about it disgusts me and I'm grossed out by the thought of guys having sex. However I would enjoy and fantasize about masturbating with another guy (which I have tried) as well as the bonding experience itself. I like being intimately close, cuddling, kissing, etc, but when things start to get more sexual I have a problem with it. That's just a not for me. Not because I'm scared or anything I am just grossed out and I know I don't like it.
A female body on the other hand just doesn't do it for me in terms of sexual drive. That being said I've been in a romantic relationship with a girl, and I enjoyed the same level of intimacy and emotional connection. I could see myself trying to take things further with a girl but I haven't yet and don't know how things would turn out as I wouldn't be as attracted to her as I would be to a guy.
I appreciate this may not make sense, but that's just the way I feel. I'm kind of lost as I feel I can't date any gender and for these reasons. Any advice?
 
Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Sat 5 Sep, 2015 12:39 pm
@ranin,
Actually, nope 'cause it all sounds within the range of understandable. If it were me, I would see a counselor if you feel any anxiety about it.

Sexuality can occur on a variable spectrum or a range of attractions to one gender or the other. That is to say there is not necessarily discrete absolute attraction to the opposite gender for some people...or range or degrees of heterosexuality vs. homosexuality. And also that might change with time or circumstances. When it comes to intimacy, it's about feeling safe and feeling passionate - however it may occur.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Sep, 2015 01:24 pm
Perhaps you need more experience with both genders before concerning yourself about sexual activity. You may be ambivalent about your choices, perhaps because you may be a "late bloomer" in terms of actual interactions. (I'm not talking about sex play with same sex partners when you were a youngster - something many people experience. No need to declare your sexual preference just because of exploration activities when you were young)

You say: "I would never have sex with a man." Then you also say, " I like being intimately close, cuddling, kissing, etc, but when things start to get more sexual I have a problem with it."

You say "with a girl, and I enjoyed the same level of intimacy and emotional connection. I could see myself trying to take things further with a girl . . ."

Give yourself some time and experience to figure all this out.


0 Replies
 
neologist
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Sep, 2015 06:04 pm
@ranin,
Same sex attraction is not uncommon.
It does not define who you are.

Also, believe it or not, you are still young. You are not missing out on anything.
0 Replies
 
Lash
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Sep, 2015 05:49 am
@ranin,
I read a lot about gender fluidity lately. Have you heard of it?

Might be an interesting read for you. Sorry the link is wiki, but I couldn't find much - which surprised me. I think I got most of my info on Instagram from Miley Cyrus...

http://nonbinary.org/wiki/Genderfluid
0 Replies
 
HesDeltanCaptain
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Sep, 2015 08:49 am
@ranin,
Starting off in life I was conditioned to be heterosexual and that defined my first sexual experiences. In time though, I became less curious about women having been with a few, and more curious about sex with guys. Like you, because of societal conditioning pushing heterosexual relationships the notion created a lot of mixed feelings. But when I finally met my first bisexual male co-worker, I asked about it and we eventually got together. I'd had sex with many women by that time, in my early 20s, and was very comfortable being nude, but I was so nervous about undressing in front of another guy (for the purposes of sex, gyms and lockerrooms weren't a problem,) I had to undress in the bathroom. Smile When we were in bed and he began sucking me I covered him with the sheet still unable to accept I'm with a guy.

Sexuality is overwhelmingly psychological. So if you're raised to be hetero, all the knowledge and info about how fun sex is with either sex doesn't help because we've got all these years and decades of conditioning weighing us down. But in time with the right people we can overcome conditioning and be whatever we want.

If you're attracted tog uys, but not sexually, I'd say you're simply at that point in your evolution of sexuality. Over time then you'll either come to wanna try being with a guy, or ya wont. But the mistake and confusion comes in believing it's either gay or straight. It's not that easy. Sexuality isn't a binary state of one thing or the other thing and in fact the majority of the population is somewhere in-between the two monosexual extremes. Sex is fun, and who you're with doesn't change that. But our pscyhological landscape defines everything we enjoy so depending on how you've been conditioned some things will be easier than other things. But it's a process and can change with time if you want it to.
0 Replies
 
ranin
 
  1  
Reply Thu 10 Sep, 2015 04:43 pm
Thank you guys for your replies and for taking me seriously!
I can't see a counsellor or talk to anyone in person really as I'm so insecure about this. I just keep it to myself, suppress it etc.

I'm definitely not Genderfluid - I'm a man a never felt otherwise.

The experiences I've had are quite recent and definitely not "when I was young".
Bottom line, I just like and fantasise about masturbating with other guys and nothing more. I'm done experimenting with guys and will not have sex with a guy. Full stop. Kissing and cuddling I like with both guys and girls. Not sexually attracted to girls at all.
What's the benefit of knowing I'm somewhere on the spectrum when I fit nowhere in terms of sexual interaction, I can't have a healthy relationship and at this point giving myself "some more time" won't do anything. Nothing has changed about the way I feel for years so far. I just keep getting back to square one and that makes me so miserable.
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Thu 10 Sep, 2015 06:14 pm
@ranin,
You'll stay miserable if you don't get counseling, or at least talk to someone about this.

One thing a trained professional can do is they can give you suggestions and maybe even connect you with people who feel a lot like you do. It can help to not feel alone. And they won't make fun of you, etc. - it's their job to help with such things! They have heard it all before. You will not shock them.

I urge you to at least consider it as you are currently at a stalemate in your life but this is something you could do about that. It sucks to be miserable. It sucks even more to be miserable and not do anything about it, when you can.
0 Replies
 
ranin
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Sep, 2015 10:29 am
Is there any way I could talk to a counsellor anonymously and not in person?
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Sep, 2015 10:35 am
@ranin,
there are a number of hotlines for anonymous sex counselling

you'll have to google it with your country location to find what's available to you

some are free, some require payment (look into what counselling coverages are available to you through work or school)
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Sep, 2015 10:38 am
related
maybe

http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/08/why-straight-men-have-sex-with-each-other.html
0 Replies
 
McGentrix
 
  1  
Reply Mon 3 Apr, 2017 07:02 am
Find a chick that looks like a dude. Problem solved.
0 Replies
 
johne sapien
 
  1  
Reply Mon 3 Apr, 2017 11:09 am
@ranin,
From the sounds of it there seems to be a psychological inhibition. From what I am taking:

1.) You are sexually attracted to men, but not (entirely) with women.
2.) Emotionally you have experienced connections with both
3.) You are naturally inclined to exploring more with men, but you stop at the hint of potential sex.

I can relate to this entire post. I grew up in a very masculine charged environment to the point where "gay bashing" slurs and terms came out of my mouth. I always knew since I was 5 I was attracted to men, but before I found myself struggling with my sexuality, I never really gave it a thought and spent a portion of my youth putting myself through my own "conversion therapy" simply to feel "normal."

Through this, I did find myself growing deeper feelings for women. A handful actually. My first crushes were in elementary school were girls and onward until I was 16 and I could no longer contain my budding sexual drive inclined towards men. I struggled through these confusing emotions as I secretly knew I was more attracted to men, but couldn't help the deeper connections i felt with the girls I had found myself crushing on. I wanted to explore my attractions to women more but I found myself where you are, in that i can honestly say that I have found myself emotionally falling for women, but have never admitted it to them or explored it any further than random bouts of passionately making out with them as i feared what may happen in the future knowing that I was also attracted to men.

I would also meet my first boyfriend at this age. I remember the first time kissing him I felt disgusted in myself, but inversely, happy. I remember the first time we explored intimacy, i felt disgusted in myself, but inversely, happy. For a long time, I couldn't stomach looking at myself holding him in front of a mirror, which was actually something we both shared. That all of these things felt right, but we couldn't stand the physical sight of us being "gay." Eventually, I let go of all of these feelings of disgust, held my breath and followed where my heart wanted to go.

For me, the psychological inhibition was that I was raised not in an "oppressive" environment exactly, especially since I do not come off as a gay man and flew under the radar for most of my years, even to this day (i'm 27), but more so because i was raised by a hyper masculine charged environment in school, family, friends, etc. I'd meet gay and lesbian people of course, but i was never raised to judge or condemn anyone, so their presence in my life just was. But since I had spent more time around "the boys" focused between sports, fighting, and "getting b*es," being gay was never really talked about. And when it was, it was shut down as something that made you lesser and emasculated you, which for most men is much more traumatizing than we care to admit. These experiences inspire a lot of the "self hate" amongst most of the LGBT community and pushes us to question so much of what we believe in ourselves as we get our feet wet in our self explorations of sexuality.

After going through my own rounds of evolution through many facets of life, removing myself early from oppressive environments and the darker sides of religion, I found acceptance in my homosexuality and am now an out and proud gay man.

What you choose to identify as, is up to you in the long run. No one can make you happy but yourself. And keeping yourself from exploring these seemingly natural desires for men in fear/inhibition of "going all the way," or exploring the same with women in fear/inhibition of "what you may become," hinders you from finding the happiness through self acceptance that we all deserve. It's a long road to find yourself in. Sometimes, I still find myself asking the questions you are asking in this message to this day. I still find myself having feelings for women, and some occasions even being turned on by them. But being honest with myself, I enjoy the company of men much more and see myself happier with a man in the long run of things.

I hope this helps. Best always.

0 Replies
 
MindReverse
 
  1  
Reply Thu 14 Sep, 2017 10:21 am
You're probably A-Sexual, but do have fantasies. Its okay. I wouldn't worry about the homosexual feelings because you know your limits and are set on not going through with sex. Its okay. Girls don't really do it for you sexually, but you did say you enjoyed the emotional intimacy. Which is also normal. So yeah, you're A-Sexual with some fantasies but have no interest in acting out on them. The good thing is you're not the type that rushed into having sex with a guy then ended up heavily regretting it. So yeah, no need to rush with either sexes. Enjoy the cool conversations and light kissing!
0 Replies
 
 

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