Involved With A Married Man I Work With

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I'm trying to find a way to stop. Him and I are both part of the management team at a business and we're both in positions where we can not leave the job. We've been involved for nearly 8 months and have both expressed a huge eagerness to stop. Trouble is we see each other 4 days a week and often have moments where him and I are the only ones at the business. Being alone with him is hard. I find strength to stop when he's away and the moment he's around I can't help myself. It's stupid. Stopping should just be stopping. He says the same. But it's so much harder than I ever could have imagined.

I'd leave my job if I could, but I can't. What do I do? How do I find a reason that will actually get me to stop? I try looking at photos of his wife and kid and I find the strength to stop, then my brain shuts all of it off the moment he walks in the door. He's the kind of man I always wanted and even now, knowing he has such terrible flaws as this, I still want him. What the hell is wrong with me?

I would never recommend or glorify an affair to anyone. It is nothing but terrible. Those heated moments, the sex, all of it, aren't worth it. The feelings that follow the sex can eat away at you. You're volunteering to enter in to a terrible relationship. You're knowingly taking on a boyfriend that you know will cheat on you, you know will lie to you, won't be available to you, that will never take you to dinner or a movie, a man that will never be yours, and you take him any way. The media finds a way to make affairs seem something of a glamorous situation, it's not. My attraction to this man has been present for the nearly three years we've worked together and I never dreamed of laying a finger on him until he did. I should have hit him when he did.

I have relentlessly strived to be good person and this has shattered my self-image and self esteem. Help me find a way to stop.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 3 • Views: 1,509 • Replies: 8

[+3] - pim121 - 09/01/2015 Honestly, if some people don't come back, I'm guessing it's because they aren't hearing what they want to hear. Which I imagine it's something along the lines of being unique or special in the...

@pim121,

"Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;
Being vex'd a sea nourish'd with lovers' tears:
What is it else? a madness most discreet,
A choking gall and a preserving sweet..."

I am not judging you. I have done things I despise in myself. Having said that, is it worth the destruction of the innocent's trust in their father?

"he is the kind of man I always wanted..." You want a man that is destructive and hurts others for the sake of his passions. If that is true, no need to look further.

You know exactly what you must do. Now find the guts to break away. I believe the pain you will endure will make you better.

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@pim121,

What are you doing actively to meet someone else?

What are you doing to keep yourself busy at times you previously spent with him?

If it's impossible for you to leave the job, you have to find a way to interact with him only when it is absolutely required for work - in the company of others if necessary.

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@ehBeth,

Plus - maybe rethink the idea of it being impossible to leave.

Is it money? Then consider how you would live if, say, you were fired tomorrow. Would you sell possessions? Start your own business? Work with a recruiter? Network? Answer ads online? You may be able to do some of these things during the times you would have spent with him. Even if they never lead to another gig, it helps to think this way. Because unless you are the public face of a company (Frank Perdue, etc.), you can be replaced. And, hell, even Frank was after his demise.

Is it location? Creative freedom? Things you're learning? Something else? Figure out what those things are and whether you can get them elsewhere, and use your free time for those, too. E. g. you always wanted to live in Seattle and that's where the job is. Well, it's not the only job, ever, in Seattle. Or Tacoma might be an option, or even a similar city that isn't Seattle. Etc. etc. you get the idea.

You need to think harder about your exit strategy and start planning it. Because for every single job there is, even in the ones where you're not embroiled in an affair, you need to have an exit strategy.

Don't say you can't ever, ever leave this job.

Sure you can.

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He's married.
He's using you for something on the side.
If he loved you, he would be with you. He isn't.
You have stopped living an honorable life and are consumed with guilt and shame because of this affair and you are now the "other woman.'
You will be left alone during the upcoming holidays because he will be with her and their children.
Your low self esteem won't let you demand something better.

Please consider counseling to find out why you accept so little.

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First of all, thank you all for responding. For some reason I didn't expect anything, so again, Thank You.

I have been actively pursuing dates and meeting people. The fish pool here just isn't too great. In fact, this affair started right when I exited a relationship in hopes of having more time for myself away from men. I honestly am not eager to be involved with anyone right now. I'm only searching now in hopes of finding a distraction from him, which would be immensely unfair to whoever I may find.

I more than likely can leave this job next year in the summer time and find the means to keep him as cut off as possible. It's not circumstances I find easy to explain. I love my job more than him. I would be giving up so much. It breaks my heart even more than the thought of him leaving. This job has changed my life and shaped me into a person I never thought I could be. It all has been wonderful, up until the affair.

What I find crazy is that, if he did leave his wife (which we all know won't happen), I don't know if I could or would want to be with him any way. I could never trust him. I wish I could see him as the man he was before this all happened. My body and my mind trick myself in to believing something that isn't there. I wish that that was evidence enough to end it. I wouldn't want him if I could really have him anyway. How could I?

Him and I have been able to stop for weeks at a time, but the tension mounts and eventually crumbles. We both know it can't go anywhere, so I really think the best solution is finding a way to leave and do what I can until that time comes. Wish me luck.

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@pim121,

Thanks for coming back (lots of people don't, and then we wonder if it was something we said ...).

Maybe then the thing to do, job-wise, is consider why you love it so. Not just 'everything'. That's not an answer. Put together 10 aspects of the job and rank them in order of importance. Something like -

Creative opportunities
Commute
Money
Benefits
What I've learned/can learn in the future
Coworkers
Company culture
Company prestige/reputation
Casual dress code
Great cafeteria (don't laugh; I still miss, at times, the awesome food from a place I worked at from '95 - '00)

Whatever your ten are, or eight, or fifteen, whatever.

Now go back and decide where you can duplicate the experience, or you can settle for something similar, that sort of thing. E. g. the lovely cafeteria is easily duplicated with restaurants, or bringing in my own food. Because it was a subsidized cafeteria, it costs more to go to a restaurant or deli. Plus I'm watching my weight. Hence I compromise and can do a bit of both (N. B. I'm currently a full-time student and my only work is as an online intern, but I've gone through this exercise before, with other companies).

Creativity and coworkers are nice, but they can also come from outside of work. Commuting issues can be overridden by moving closer to work, or being able to work from home one day/week, or maybe you just explore your area a little more and find better shortcuts.

See what I mean? It's a cost-benefit analysis, which is often a good way to make other big decisions in life.

PS As for the guy? Eh, you're busy unless it's work. You don't answer texts or phone calls or emails unless they're work-related. If they start off as work-related and then drop off into something else, you're suddenly busy, and are late for something else in your life. You got this.

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Honestly, if some people don't come back, I'm guessing it's because they aren't hearing what they want to hear. Which I imagine it's something along the lines of being unique or special in the situation, that he would leave his wife for her, that she's the exception. I wish I could believe that's true, but my god I would be an idiot. I can't imagine what it's like to have a kid as a part of my decision making. So, I best stay out of it. I am going to make a plan to leave.

I haven't had anyone to talk to about this. And simply hearing "You Got This" was strangely empowering. I hope I do. Him and I have technically only slept together fully twice, with a small number of other encounters. It's his kisses that are the most frequent and the hardest to let go of. His lips are perfect. His smell is divine. He makes me feel so damn sappy. He makes me feel like a little girl. Then I take a step back and realize he's nothing I thought he was. I wish he could be.

I wish he could be a guy I met by chance, who was single, who I dated and it worked out perfectly like two normal people should. It's just too bad it worked out like this.

I Got This!

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@pim121,

Hell, buy some of his cologne and spray it wherever you like. Everything can smell awesome!

This might startle the mailman but hey, he might be a nice single guy (certainly he'd have a steady job .... Wink

).

And you're absolutely right - it's that people don't hear the affirmations they have told themselves, or their paramour has told them. They like the pretty lies as they are a fun escape. But of course that's not real.

You're a sensible, smart woman. You deserve better. You got this!

PS Maybe work your way up to startling the mailman. Wink

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