Older Woman

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I'm in my mid 40s and there's a woman in her mid-50s in the cardio class I take at the gym who seems very eager to get to know me. I've known her for about two months. We've exchanged numbers and she initiated the first call--actually, she's initiated every call! After cardio class, she does a bee-line for me and wants to talk, often for an hour or more. I suggested that we meet during the week and she said she'd really like that. She's never married, cute, in the medical profession. The last time we talked after the gym, she gave me a hug and a kiss. I'm three months out of a serious relationship and...well...frankly not ready or desiring a serious relationship. With the age difference, do you think that she might just be up for "friends with privileges"? Is that even advisable or do such things end in disaster? I've never done that before, but I would not want any more than that. I have a lot of responsibilities and little time for another serious relationship. I feel like it might be healthy to get l**d and emotionally flush my ex out of my system, so to speak, and to feel like I've moved on, but is that selfish and cruel to want these things and to move on in such a manner? Is it primitive behavior? What are your thoughts? I'm guessing that some will say, "Jim, just go where it takes you and don't worry about it." Thanks in advance.

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@jim 1968,

jim 1968 wrote:

With the age difference, do you think that she might just be up for "friends with privileges"?

ya ever think that might be what she wants from you (not sure what the age difference has to do with anything)

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@jim 1968,

talk to her about it

it's obviously the only way to be sure

when you talk to her, start with the 100% message that you are not looking for a romantic relationship/partnership/long-term relationship

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Just be direct, huh? I will give it a shot.

I think I took Catholic school more seriously than I had thought...too much guilt Smile

Thanks.

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@jim 1968,

A lot of people - both men and women - appreciate the direct approach.

There are way too many threads here with people trying to guess what the other person means. Some want a relationship but are afraid to ask. Some want a fuckbuddy but are nervous that their partner might want something more.

Talking directly and honestly helps - and it does seem to be easier when you're older. You couldn 't pay me to be a relationship-puzzled 20 year old again.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

I am in TOTAL agreement with you about "relationship puzzled 20 year old..." Wow, that was a confusing time. Actually, my 20's were a lot of graduate school **** buddy stuff (a friend told me that lots of girls would like me but I didn't have to screw all of them...but I didn't listen to the second part of the advice!); the 30's were almost entirely devoid of sex/relationships due to work commitments; the early 40's were one last ditch attempt at a relationship...and now, I am entering the mature "let's just be partners" period of life. Never married, but who cares....I would not go back to my 20's either.

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@jim 1968,

jim 1968 wrote:

Just be direct, huh? I will give it a shot.

I think I took Catholic school more seriously than I had thought...too much guilt

Thanks.

Do you think there is no ethical thinking outside the Catholic Church? If yes, you might have gotten the wrong message from your faith.

The concern is just whether one can be empathetic to another's feelings, and not be just self-serving. That is just a secular concern. If Catholicism has incorporated it into its teachings, guess what faith is older than Catholicism and quite concerned with ethical behavior.

1 Reply

@Foofie,

I did not say anything about ethical thinking beyond the Catholic Church...in other words, your statement is illogical. To rebut it would take the original post/discussion into a realm which was never intended. And, just because I went to Catholic school does not mean I am a Catholic (I'm not). In terms of concern for others, I would agree. The Catholic comment was, as you will notice, written with humor (a smile emoticon gives it away).

1 Reply

@jim 1968,

jim 1968 wrote:

I did not say anything about ethical thinking beyond the Catholic Church...in other words, your statement is illogical. To rebut it would take the original post/discussion into a realm which was never intended. And, just because I went to Catholic school does not mean I am a Catholic (I'm not). In terms of concern for others, I would agree. The Catholic comment was, as you will notice, written with humor (a smile emoticon gives it away).

I thought the emoticon was some egg dropped on the posting? Regardless, coming to the forum, and asking for advice on this matter, is more Catholic teaching, e.g., a mendicant's request, "Advice for the single; advice for the single."

As Jiminy Cricket said, "Let your conscience be your guide." Crickets are known agnostics.

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@Foofie,

Sure, of course, I am asking for advice. This is something new for me and I thought I would read what others have to say. And, I agree...the conscience is a good source of guidance. Depends on the cricket...if it is a Mormon Cricket then it lacks all sense of judgment...it kills and eats its own. And, that is not a path I wish to follow Smile

(in this case, the emoticon is pigeon droppings).

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@jim 1968,

Jim better to tell her what exactly you are feeling with out that she never understood about it.better to be direct and be frank.

1 Reply

@jim 1968,

Best sex of my life has been with 50+ women. Smile

1 Reply

@HesDeltanCaptain,

We went out tonight. We don't have much in common. She wore a retro dress she got at a thrift store. She is kind of "granola," which I don't mind per se, but it is like she's trying to remain a child. She even goes by her childhood nickname rather than her real first name. She's a kind person, though, and very smart. I guess we all have our issues, including me. I kept thinking through the entire dinner date about the question posed by an Able2Know member regarding my ex-gf...namely, that I should ask myself why I attract damaged women. I'm still trying to answer that question for myself. Until I can answer that question, I think I need to tread carefully when it comes to dating.

Thanks for the advice, though! Much appreciated.

1 Reply

@jim 1968,

We're all damaged to an extent, no?

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@mahendar,

Well, she sent an email tonight telling me exactly how she felt: she thinks I am "intelligent," "gorgeous" and a "gem;" wants to get to know me better; realizes that I have a million commitments to work and life and that I'm healing from my last relationship. She says that she knows that I give a lot of my energy to other people and she admires that. I'll say one thing for her: she seems a lot more decent than my whinny ex-gf who wished for my parents' death. Her email was such a breath of fresh air even if it was a bit dramatized to get my attention. Whatever. The words themselves made me feel better about myself.

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Jim - you can never have enough friends, so cool it and just be friends right now. While it does sound like she might want to "bed" you, that's going to be up to you to decide.

At any time you can tell her that you just need a friend right now.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Thanks and good points!

1 Reply

@jim 1968,

Okay, now I'm in uncharted territory. It is very obvious that she wants to "bed" me. She's a nurse in her mid-50s, never married. Never married and in her 50s...does that necessarily mean "total skank?" Question: how worried should I be about social diseases? Is this something I should back away from or just use protection and have fun?

1 Reply

@jim 1968,

Does she make you laugh? do you think sex with her would be fun?

Is there ever a time when condoms aren't appropriate when having sex with someone you're not in a long-term committed relationship with?

Does sex necessarily have to mean there's a relationship in the future?

___

be honest with her. if you want to have sex but aren't into the idea of a relationship - tell her that.

talk in person about this stuff - not by email/text

___

if she doesn't make you laugh, my advice would be not to bother with it at all.

___

by social diseases, you mean sexually transmitted diseases - right?

___

are you a total skank? if not, why would you think that about her?

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Thanks very much for the frank advice! I think sex would be fun because she is very smart and I am very attracted to intelligent women. I will talk to her in person today. Social disease= STD (and I do not want that, ever!). So, yes condoms...I'll have to reacquaint myself with the dreaded things...I've been in LTRs over several years. But better safe that sorry. And, you are right..the "skank" comment was inappropriate on my part. I have been very sexually active in my life, always faithful to those I've been with, but many partners, nevertheless...so, maybe I am the "skank"?

1 Reply

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