IS IT HIM OR IS IT ME?????

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So I've been married for around four years now and I'm just curious how do thou know if he loves you or it's using you I guess I should give a little more information about me I am the wife I had a rough childhood and was stuck around some dangerous people I had an apartment and was taking care of myself before I became 18 and could leagally so I never had a normal relationship or life no time when I moved with my friend to the south I met him my husband *now about him he at first would always go out somewhere or take me on long drives I thought he was active turns out after I agreed to move in with him Thats where it all starts!
The first two years of our marriage was he'll he abused me physically I had to deal with sick, ducked up disturbing family members, they did and said things that would make any human sick(its complicated I'm scared to even type half of the stuff I went through, I never thought, but I'm strong so I sucked it up and fought for him and he has his alcoholism under control stopped beating me has cut ties with the family members who did the things you don't want to know and changed allot but now that he's not abusive or dangerous anymore really this year has been his best but it seemed when he became more of a person the less he talked to me now he only speaks to me if he needs my help or letting me know if he needs something like were out of his tea otherwise he is online I wasn't worried till he stopped sleeping with me he would sneak to another bedroom when I fell asleep and he just won't speak to me unless I make him so I never know what he's thinking, I earn the money so he can follow his passion till it turns into a business, I take care of the house any responsibility he doesn't want, I do, I have supported him through everything never cheated never hurt him, always gave understand and caring support even when I was his victim and now he was talking to other girls (even though I can't talk to men even if it's responding to a friendly how are you) I stopped him when it turned to flirting but he still spends all his free time away from me though I haven't had anymore girls openly showing me he's flirting I'm still worried,I mean I weigh 103lbs at my heaviest I'm a health fanatic so i exercise, my blonde hair always smells like berries and basically I've never had to look I keep attractive and clean so I don't have to worry about sex but he's held back for almost a year we have had sex maybe 3 times I thought men wanted it more not say oh not now Damn it, If I was someone who didn't make money from how I look, I take care of myself to be as attractive as I possibly can. I don't know how to tell if he's using me to not fall back into what he was or if he is just distant because I know all secrets what should I do like this we don't even have a relationship

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Type: Discussion • Score: 3 • Views: 851 • Replies: 5

[+3] - jespah - 08/16/2015I wish I knew where to start with this. You need counseling. Even if you're not being actively hit anymore, you're being isolated and he is certainly passively-aggressively trying to run your...

@SmallDoll,

I wish I knew where to start with this.

You need counseling. Even if you're not being actively hit anymore, you're being isolated and he is certainly passively-aggressively trying to run your life.

Let's start with this.

http://imgfave-chat-herokuapp-com.global.ssl.fastly.net/image_cache/1391181762618553.jpg

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Short answer, it's both of you.

You both have a lot of issues to deal with of your own.

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@SmallDoll,

A few thoughts about 'is it him or me'

- alcoholism is always the alcoholics responsibility
- committing violence is always the responsibility of the person committing violence (the the most part, the only justified use of violence is in self defense)
- abusing a person is always the responsibility of the person abusing the other (there are many ways to handle conflict, or personal anger, that do not involve abusing the other pers)
- jealousy where there is no cause, is a problem inherent in the person displaying jealousy (insecurity, self-esteem issues, etc)
- control issues are a problem of the person experiencing control issues

Now, outside of the person displaying the above, another person or the environment can contribute to, and influence his/her decision, but the decision making responsibility always lies with the person making the decision / speaking how they are speaking / acting how they are acting.

Further, all of the above things can affect another person (like you for example). And no matter how the person with the problem issues (Person A) wants to blame another person (Person B) - it is not Person B's fault. There are contributing circumstances, and personal responsibility for decisions.

Ie. After considering & understanding the contributing circumstances, Person A still retains self responsibility for their decision making (and hence, their actions).

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@SmallDoll,

It's difficult finding yourself. I gather you are around 22, based on what you have written. Do you have a Grandparent, or Aunt, or a Mother figure someone you looked up to as a child to connect with now that you are more of an Adult than a child to pose questions to for guidance?

If we have grown up in a family where there really wasn't much love if any, if things were frightening and dangerous, it's all we know.

Think back to when you "chose" to leave that environment and go it alone, there was a reason, a good reason.

It seems that you need to search within yourself again and consider whether you really stepped back into a simular situation and whether you truly deserve more out of life, I think that you do.

Having a ring on your finger does not mean anyone owns you, can command what you can and can't do with your life and dictate what they will do with theirs, it's togetherness and if not, there is no relationship.

You've obviously been able to express some things that has made him, make some changes. I don't know what you do for a living but if looks are involved, I know there are a few suggestions that come to mind, I would ask myself, are you working for you? Creating a career and income for you? Or trying to please someone in any way in which you can, in this case, bringing in the income, it sounds as if, if he is on-line all day, pretty much that he doesn't even work.

I agree with Jespah, look deep inside yourself and at yourself in the mirror, you are only 22. You are a survivor and you deserve to find the love that you haven't had yet in life.

If you can seek counselling go do it. If you do have someone that you can bond with who is older than you, part of your family be it blood or not, talk to them.

We have one life to live in this World, in this body. You are important, life can be fun, loving and beautiful. It's time that you took that next step that you tried to do before you turned 18.

If your husband is a good person and not using you and is or will be committed to you only, he will still be there. But unless you truly seek the answers about who you are and what you want and what you will and will not accept out of life and how beautiful you really are inside as well as outside, don't ask that question.

You should be asking, what is it I want out of life and what ever that is, I'm damn going to go and get it as I deserve it.

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@SmallDoll,

All I can tell you is life is to short to remain in a joyless, abusive marriage. My first marriage lasted 4 years, that was 4 years too long. I really don't know if I would be as strong as I am today if I didn't live thru 4 years of uncertainty, joblessness and isolation. I didn't grow up in an abusive or alcoholic environment, but I did marry into it. When I finally got out, I swore I'd never get married again, and if a man even suggested he wanted to control me, it was over. I learned that living by yourself is not as lonely as living with the wrong partner. I did eventually remarry, but this time I didn't marry an abuser.

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IS IT HIM OR IS IT ME?????

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