I Cheated...Now what?

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I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We live together, have planned on getting married and just recently got a puppy. A month ago I cheated on him while completely wasted. I don't even remember how I got to the guys house or what happened. I woke up from my blackout temporarily in the middle of the hookup and realized what was going on. We stopped and then I don't remember driving home at all but I got home around 530am when my boyfriend was leaving for work. The guy I hooked up with I had hooked up with twice before when I was single (I was drunk for those as well). It's really crazy rough exhilarating sex. He also is acquaintances with my bf and my bf knows about our past.
The next day I had to lie to my bf which was the hardest part. I knew if I told him the truth he'd leave me. I spent our entire relationship being a jealous girlfriend who was constantly thinking he was gonna cheat on me and not wanting him to go out drinking without me cause he can be a "flirt". I can no longer be that person. How can I sit there and worry about him cheating when I'm the one he should worry about?
Ever since I cheated, I can't stop thinking about the other guy. And about how my relationship is stagnant. We don't make out. We haven't done oral sex in like 2 years. We only have a quickie like once every week or two weeks. I have never really been physically attracted to him but I fell in love with the way we got along and how he treated me. Should I be in a relationship with no chemistry?
The past couple months we have been fighting a lot though and there's really just no spark at all. I still look at him and think we could have a future but I can't help thinking what if there's someone else out there for me that I have a passion for in addition to the getting along part.
I've always thought cheating was the most disgusting thing. I could never understand why anyone would do it. Why wouldn't you just break up with someone if you were going to choose to be unfaithful? My dad cheated on my mom so I was terrified of that happening to me. I never thought I'd be the one doing it. The issue I'm having is that I don't think it was an emotional thing. It was just a physical thing. I didn't plan it. I never even considered doing it before. And it was also something I didn't consciously decide to do that night. I still want to be with my boyfriend but I can't stop thinking about the other guy and how much fun it was. I keep Facebook stalking him and dreaming about him. And thinking about how I could cheat again with the same guy. But as I type these words I realize how horrible that would be. I already made one mistake, why would I do it again? I keep mistaking my craving for sexual desire for some kind of feelings I have for this guy. But I don't think I actually have feelings for him. I just like his dick.
I need advice about 1) whether I should stay with my boyfriend that I've been planning on marrying until I cheated on him and remembered how much fun sex can be when there's chemistry and 2) how do I stop thinking about this other guy constantly? I'd like to forget about him and focus on my relationship. But I can't forget him. Does that mean something or will it just take time?
I know I could stay with my boyfriend and get married to him and be happy....ish. I just don't know if we can spark up a flame again...or if I can keep this secret forever.

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Type: Question • Score: 9 • Views: 2,569 • Replies: 28

@Anonymous32776,

No, don't stay with him and no, don't marry him.
You gave your own answers: you're not physically attracted to him, you don't have sex very often and haven't had oral sex in 2 years, only quickies. I assume you're still young and then you have to look forward to a life like this?

No, do yourself and your boyfriend the favor and split. I get that you like him like a brother and perhaps you can remain friends, but as a partner and lover you should seek out someone else. This way, your boyfriend can also look for someone that is more suitable to him.

Good luck!

1 Reply

@CalamityJane,

I appreciate your reply. Thank you for saying the words that i feared someone would say. Somewhere in my mind I know you're right, but the rest of me doesn't want to leave him. I am 25 btw. Breaking up would mean one of us losing the dog, me having to move 3 hours away and find a new job, and lose the man that I've truly loved for 3 years. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with all of that. I understand that on paper I obviously have to leave him but other people have said that you'll never find anyone who meets all your criteria. If you have to give up just one or two things to get all the rest, than you've found a keeper. It just so happens that the things I'm giving up are the chemistry and passion. But yes I do wonder still if there is someone who meets all my needs and wants. And yes I'd like to have that fiery romance again with someone. But I also know that romance fades with any couple. So is it worth losing all we have built together while hoping to find the "perfect guy" for me?

3 Replies

@Anonymous32776,

You want to spend the rest of your life with a room-mate instead of a lover and partner?

It's obviously your choice, but I don't understand why at 25 you've already given up on finding someone more suited to you.

I agree with CJane that it would be good to let your current room-mate/sort of boyfriend find someone better suited to him.

0 Replies

@Anonymous32776,

Anonymous32776 wrote:

But I also know that romance fades with any couple.

relationships certainly change over time, but it's not necessarily romance fading. I know couples who've been married 40 - 60 years who clearly still have deep passion and romantic feelings toward each other.

1 Reply

@Anonymous32776,

Why would you have to change jobs and move away if you broke up?

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

I wouldn't be able to afford living in this area by myself. I'd have to move back home where I'm from with my mom most likely, temporarily.

And I know you are right. It just is so hard to picture my life without him when for the past 2.5 years I have been planning our future (marriage, kids, home, etc). I don't know what changed. It happened so suddenly. Maybe I was just fooling myself thinking I was content with our situation. But up until the day I cheated I wasn't questioning our relationship at all. Then afterward I'm wondering what the underlying reason was for doing it.

I found a guy who isn't a complete asshole and is there for me at all times and would basically do anything to make me happy. And I'm going to give that up? It's hard to think about.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Quote:

I know couples who've been married 40 - 60 years who clearly still have deep passion and romantic feelings toward each other.

Out of curiousity ehBeth, from your experience & observations, what percentage of couples would you put into this category?

1 Reply

@Anonymous32776,

Anonymous, you're not married to this guy. That gives you an opportunity to be true to your principles.

P.S. while being true to your principles isn't as much 'fun' as breaking your own principles...breaking your own values always results in a lowering of your self-esteem.

0 Replies

@Anonymous32776,

Anonymous32776 wrote:

I don't remember driving home at all but I got home around 530am when my boyfriend was leaving for work.

Sod the bloody relationship. If you're driving when you're so wasted you can't even remember it, you're a danger to all those around you. You could have killed someone, that's what your mind should be dwelling on.

1 Reply

@izzythepush,

I picked up on this, too.

Drinking to the blackout stage is a sign of a serious problem that requires a doctor's care. Beyond everything else that is going on, that behavior can not only easily kill the OP, it can take out innocent people around her.

0 Replies

@Anonymous32776,

Don;t take any decisions when you are in hurry let your mind calm down.

1 Reply

@Anonymous32776,

Get into an alcohol-addiction treatment program. Blackouts and behaviours like cheating when drunk are among the biggest signs you're an alcoholic. Until this is done, and the addiction sorted out nothing else matters, nor will anything else be fixable.

1 Reply

@mahendar,

Thank you. I definitely have a lot to think about.

0 Replies

@HesDeltanCaptain,

I'm not an alcoholic, but thanks for the accusation. I socially drink one or two drinks one night a week, if that. It is only a rare occasion that I "get drunk" and I've gotten blackouts since the first time I got drunk. It's not caused by alcoholism (for me anyway, I don't know about other people) cause I doubt I was an alcoholic the first time I got drunk. Ever since this night, I have not gotten to that point for the exact reason that I know it was dangerous to drive. Of course I don't want anything bad to happen.
However, this is off topic. So.

1 Reply

@vikorr,

the majority

0 Replies

@Anonymous32776,

You describe finding a great friend, but not a life partner.

You need to talk to your friend about what's happened and where things go next. If he's so fabulous (and I believe you about that), you owe it to him to tell him the truth about the problems caused by your lack of a sexual match with him.

1 Reply

@Anonymous32776,

Although off topic as you mentioned, just a thought - alcohol mixed with some anti-depressants can cause memory loss. The amount of alcohol required for this varies from person to person. Quite possibly the same affect may occur with other specific medications.

2 Replies

@vikorr,

I don't take any medications.

0 Replies

@ehBeth,

Thank you. I have never had a good example of what a relationship should be like in my life. Every family member I know is divorced and sometimes were divorced twice. I don't want that to happen to me, so I appreciate the words of wisdom you gave.

0 Replies

I Cheated...Now what?

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