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Sun 11 Jul, 2004 10:31 am
You guys may or may not remember my post about my break up with my ex. If not, here's a quick overview: We were together for a year. We broke up a month ago. We broke up because he wanted something else, wanted to be with someone different.
I met up with him yesterday because I had some things I needed to get out into the open about how I feel and what not. We were together for about three hours. The first two hours or so were fine. We talked about everything, laughed .. caught up on what had happened since we last saw eachother. I don't know how the hell we got on the topic, but he started talking about how he's still attracted to me. You could tell he was really really trying to control himself from coming on to me, but after about thirty minutes of him fighting himself, he pulled me quickly onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me tightly among other things. We almost kissed, but didn't.
Right after that we decided that he should take me home. So he did. We talked a few hours later on AIM and he told me that he isn't going to see me again till school starts. His reasoning was because he still cares about me, and he's still attracted to me, so there isn't much holding him back from jumping my bones ... so he's just not going to see me so he can avoid it altogether.
I know he still cares about me so much. He still gives me that look, the one that makes you feel like they can see every thought your thinking, the one that makes you feel like they love you.
I'm so confused. Everyone is telling him to get back with me and he keeps on saying no and that his decision is never going to change.
I gave up on everything a long time ago, and I was doing just fine till this all hit me. I can't help but sit here and think that he is lying to himself when he says he doesn't want to be with me.
Argh.
There's a very good reason that you can't figure out what he wants. It's because HE can't figure out what he wants. You're just going to have to give him the time to figure it out. You can't make up his mind for him.
Meanwhile, go and live your life.
Have your cake and eat it too!
Hi Whisper:
Three weeks later, things are still the same.
You still want him back.
He still wants to play the field.
You have to admire him. Even though he is only 17 years old, he did the right thing. He knew he wanted to the play the field so he broke up with you first. He doesn't want to be a cheater. He wants to be fair to you. YET, he still wants his FREEDOM so he can be AVAILABLE to jump the bones of all the girls he is attracted to--not just you.
He's being honest with you. Respect him for his honesty, respect his desire to be free of commitment at such a young age, and respect yourself. Don't chase him.
You're young too. You're on the verge of adulthood and you're just starting your life. If you really think about it--you ought to know that YOU don't want to be with someone who desires to be a player more than anything else. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Life is GOOD. Onward!
Whisper--
From your description a great deal of that three hour conversation was all about him and his needs. What about you and your needs? Were they discussed at all?
The whole reason we got together was for me to tell HIM how I felt. And two hours of the conversation was about what I felt. After I said what I needed to say to him, I told him that I was done talking and he didn't need to reply, I just wanted to get it off my chest.
The last hour was him looking at me wide eyed, pupils big with his legs bouncing up and down, hands folded in his lap and him exclaiming that he can't crontrol himself around me. I walked away at one point, and when I walked back over to him he snatched me and that's when he pulled me onto his lap.
I find it ammusing how I have to respect what he wants, and I have to follow his wishes and listen to what he needs. But he can't, or doesn't do a damn thing about what I want, what I need or how I feel.
*throws hands up in the air*
I just don't know anything anymore, and I'm not even sure that I care that I don't know anything.
Leave him now, before you have even more pain that you carry around. There are nice guys out there, "things happen when you least expect them".
Be young, have fun!
Quote:I find it amusing how I have to respect what he wants, and I have to follow his wishes and listen to what he needs. But he can't, or doesn't do a damn thing about what I want, what I need or how I feel.
I think that in three weeks you've done considerable growing and maturing--and he hasn't. Stay a Bachelor Gal--at least for the rest of the summer.
Hold your dominion.
Girl:
You feel that you LOVE him.
You feel that you want him back.
You need to get him back in order to make yourself feel better.
Your feelings, needs, and wants are incompatible with his feelings, needs and wants.
He wants to play the field.
He is attracted to you, but he's attracted to a LOT OF GIRLS. He's not ready to make a commitment to you or to anyone else. He's only 17! He's not ready for commitment.
The only way you can get what you want and need to make you feel better is to deprive him of what he needs and wants at this point in his life.
You can't MAKE him want to be with you exclusively.
You don't want to be with him if his eyes are wandering....
You can only choose to let him go, feel the pain of lost love, and then move on with your life.
You are young and have an exciting life ahead of you! Embrace LIFE. Be positive!
I think some of you are bit too harsh with this guy. I mean, he is 17
And, I must agree that he is quite admirable for his actions actually - most of people that supposed to be mature would in his situation choose simply to cheat.
Whisper - I know that all situation confuses you and gives you hard time, but I think that you are not actually right that you have to follow what he wants. I mean, you have to - but only when it comes to his decisions. I hope he never asked you to wait for him. If he didn't, then...well, he is fair.
I know it's tough situation for you...but try to get over it.
Enjoy summer
At age 17 it's impossible to expect someone to be interested in one person for any length of time. It's just not natural. Our hormones are raging, we're not mature enough yet to even know what an adult relationship is let alone how to work to maintain one. At his age, being interested in meeting and going out with as many people as he wants is appropriate. At least he's not cheating on you. This person has character and he respects you. If you guys end up hooking up somewhere along the line in the future, maybe in your 20's, after a lot more life experience has taken place, I say great! But for now, expecting one person to be loyal and not interested in anyone else is expecting way too much.
Let him grow, and more important, let yourself grow too. There are a lot of other guys out there for you to meet too!
This is a very exciting, yet confusing, time in anyone's life. But what you're going to learn in the next 10 years or so will shape the rest of your life.
Consider this a lesson on your way through life and learn from it.
*hugs*
Whisper WAKE UP!!! The guy is playing you for a sap, he is trying to make you feel bad, it is nothing but a game to him he is enjoying make you suffer cant you realise that???
Ah, 17
I don't think the boy is intentionally trying to make whisper suffer. I don't think he's playing games with her. I think he is attracted to her--but he feels attraction for a lot of girls.
SueZCue is right on the money. His teenage hormones are raging and he's not ready to tie himself down to one girl.
I'm positive he truly cares about me, so that's not the question here.
I'm starting to think that part of him wanted to stay with me, but he couldn't handle the constant itch of wanting to go out and explore see what else is out there. I now realize that this is normal for a teenage boy, especially since I was his first serious relationship.
He was my first boyfriend, yet I would have been content in staying with him forever. Heh... I guess girls are different in that way?
Ok, new topic: I miss the physical part of our relationship more than anything. I think it's because he's still there for me emotionally whenever I may need him. So the only thing REALLY different between him and I is the kissing, the hugging, etc.
I have a strong desire to just hook up with him intimately. No strings attached, just purely physical. I know how insane this sounds, so someone tell me all the bad that could come from it to make me change my mind, please.
Quote:He was my first boyfriend, yet I would have been content in staying with him forever.
Um, don't take this personally, but that will change. You're kids, enjoy being a kid. Onward and upward.
It's been said a man is only as faithful as his options, and while this may not be true, I'd say it's a pretty fair assessment of a 17-year-old dude. At least, it would have been of me at 17.
"make-out buddies"
whisper wrote:Ok, new topic: I miss the physical part of our relationship more than anything. I think it's because he's still there for me emotionally whenever I may need him. So the only thing REALLY different between him and I is the kissing, the hugging, etc.
I have a strong desire to just hook up with him intimately. No strings attached, just purely physical. I know how insane this sounds, so someone tell me all the bad that could come from it to make me change my mind, please.
Whisper:
You can't be "make-out buddies," no strings attached, just purely physical, because the emotional ties are already there. You want the physical intimacy because you are emotionally attached to him. You're only asking for more hurt if you present him with this proposition. Cut the strings, cut the wishful thinking, cut your communication with him, and move on. Believe it or not, that is what is best for you.
Cut and Run and avoid the emotional storm that's gonna brew over this.
Re: Ah, 17
Debra_Law wrote:I don't think the boy is intentionally trying to make whisper suffer. I don't think he's playing games with her. I think he is attracted to her--but he feels attraction for a lot of girls.
He doesnt want to grow up he is enjoying all the attention he is getting, you cut him out and stop chasing him and I BET he will call you first and start this whole situation up again. You need to tell this boy you WILL not be played! he is either with you or not.
I respect your opinion Solmeci, but I think you are wrong. He was more fair then 90% of guys of that age would be. If you read her post carefully you'll see that after breaking up they met only because she asked for it (not that something is wrong with it), and that he clearly said that he thinks that they shouldn't see each other before school starts (when they will obviusly have to see each other).
He IS fair.
You said "he is either with you or not". Yes. He made it quite clearly that he is not.
RE: What does he really want?
He loves you but is not in love with you. He wants you sexually but not exclusivly and that is completely normal. Even if you are married to someone who you are completly in love with you still have sexual attraction to others. (The difference is the decision you make with what to do with those feelings....cheat or walk away) No one ever said that when you love someone they have to love you back. It doesn't work that way. You are so young! Please believe me when I say that love does not ask if it is ok to settle in. It just does unexpectadly and one day you will meet someone and you can put all of this in the past. I don't believe that he is doing this on purpose. But I do believe that you need to let this go. Don't spend the best years of your life (and believe me when I say that things change fast once you have to grow up) pining for a guy that doesn't know if he wants to be with you or not.
Kristie, but I think he does. And that it's pretty clear. It's also clear that he still has feelings for her, but is avoiding and putting those feelings aside, because his choice is to have fun. They broke up, and later met only because she insisted.
With the rest of your post I agree. And it's normal that Whisper is hurt and confused at the moment, but believe me, Whisper, we've all been there.
Have fun
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