kleptomania
SCoates wrote:Oh, I definitely agree with that, but you can't dismiss a character flaw as a bad choice. Everyone has character flaws that (hopefully) we are trying to overcome. Even if we are aware of a flaw, and make decisions counter to it the problem is still not yet solved. Character and personality take time to change. That is why I say that it would not have saved the relationship if she had made one decision differently, and she shouldn't beat herslelf up thinking that that is the case. She should accept what has happened and prepare for the future.
SCoates:
The first step to resolving a problem is to accurately identify the problem.
For instance, kleptomania is an
obsessive impulse to steal regardless of economic need. If my best friend is a kleptomaniac and every time we go shopping together she steals something, then she places me at risk. Accordingly, I have choices:
I can choose to end the friendship, I can choose to never shop with her again, or I can choose to continue shopping with her and risk that I could be arrested as her accomplice. I can only control my choices--I cannot control hers.
It doesn't matter if you "characterize" the problem as a "character flaw" or a series of "bad choices." You have to go deeper than the label you place upon the problem and identify the problem itself.
Mchalel has a self-destructive, obsessive impulse to emotionally torture her boyfriend over HIS PAST due to her own irrational insecurities. She wants to be constantly reassured that she is the prettiest, best in bed, most-loved woman her man ever had. No matter how many times her man has reassured her, it is never enough. She needs to constantly feed her obsession and emotionally torture her man with her insecurities until she gets the next fix--the next dose of ego-boosting.
So long as her boyfriend continues to stomach all her abuse, acts like a fearful blubbering idiot afraid of losing her, and gives her the reassurance she demands, she thinks she has the "upper hand" in the relationship. Then she knows (at least temporarily until she obsesses again and the cycle repeats itself), that she is the prettiest, best-in-bed, most-loved woman, and that he will never leave her because she has him wrapped around her warped finger.
Now, we have identified the problem. ONCE the problem is identified, then a solution must be found. Solutions require choices.
Mchalel's boyfriend could no longer deal with her problem because it caused her to be abusive to him and this emotionally drained him. He can express how he feels and express what he needs to make the relationship work. She never listened to him, she never heeded his feelings and needs. He can't force her to change; he can't fix her. Accordingly, he made the only healthy choice he could make for himself--he broke up with her.
Mchalel still hasn't identified the problem. Even today, she posted that she is "amazed" that he left her--she thought she had the "upper hand" in the relationship. This is frustrating to those of us who have tried to help her.
Mchalel might never identify the problem. Perhaps that is the "character flaw" that you are talking about. But, until she accurately identifies the problem--there will be no solution--there will be no healthy choices for her to make. She will be doomed to repeat the problem in her future relationships.
I hope that won't happen, but in all of mchalel's posts, I have not witnessed any progress in her thought processes....time will tell.
