well it's over

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I couldnt help myself yesterday, i was absoultely miserable and i continued to call him. He said it wasnt that he doesnt want to talk to me, but that he just could not. I took at as him just ignoring me, being mad at me, but he said it was because he couldnt talk. He even text messaged me telling me to stop calling him. Finally when we did talk i was crying and he said, I really think i want to break up, i'm sorry to be so quick about this decision. I was so upset. He said that it had a big part to do with how furious i had made him that day by calling constantly, he said i was distracting. Mostly it has to do with some of the cruel things i said about his past though...I admit it, i was a total psycho in this relationship. No i cant say i am like this with friends, i guess i was like this at the end of my last relationship (marriage) which ended almost one year ago...so as you can see i probably had no business dating anyone. I feel terrible for what i put the poor man through the past few months. I made him cry on a few occasions when i said i wanted to break up.

In the beginning he saw absoultely nothing wrong with me. He'd had a huge crush on me in college 3 years ago, but i was with someone at the time so he couldnt say anything. he said that when he left school that year he cried because he thought hed never have the opportunity to talk to me again. About 2 years later i randomly ran into him one night and he told me how he felt...it just started from there. I wasnt totally over my past relationship, but i thought being in another relationship woudl have been a good idea. I realize now that i just cant handle the truth about peoples pasts so i dont want to know anymore. I ruined this relationship though because of my insecurities. I was always worried that he still maybe thought about someone from his past or felt someone was more special than i was, or better in bed, etc. He told me that i'm the prettiest girl he's ever dated and i guess his parents agreed....i'll probably never have anyone ever think so highly of me again. Now he probably just thinks i'm some psycho bitch.

On the phone last night i cried and told him how much i loved him and how perfect he was etc. He was like you're just saying these things now because you dont want me to break up with you. He said he still loves me and that he needs time and that if i really love him, i'll give him that. I said, oh you dont want space, you just want to break up. I asked, so we are broken up? he said yes. I said, ok so if i were to hook with someone it wouldnt be cheating. He said no then added that he woulndt like it. I said, well that's probably what you'll do. he said he wouldnt, but that eventually he would start to date again. So that's that. It's over. He said he still wanted to call me and see how i was doing every now and then and i cried and said no. I then told him that i hated him and never to call me again. he ended up hanging up on me. I called him back to apologize and left several messags and text messages apologizing. He has not called me back. I called again this morning-no asnwer, no call back. I honestly dont know why he just doenst block my number. He seems to be someone that does not stay friends with exes so i am kind of thinking that i am never going to hear from this guy again.

I told him that he used me. the other night while we were having sex he told me he wanted this for the rest of his life and we even have discussed marriage. He told me that if he ever married me it would be happiest day of his life and that he would love to have me be the mother of his children. I guess that was before i turned psycho. Now he wants nothing to do with me apparently. It really hurts but i did this to myself. My mom even told me the same thing. I feel terribly guilty now and it's like i just want to call him to apologize or just to hear his voice. My mom said to leave him alone....so yeah I'm seeking counselling. this isnt even meant to be funny, but i'm wondering if i was even meant to be with men? or anyone? this guy was SO SWEET to me and all i could do was focus on the negative. He might not have been THE one for me, but he certainly derserved better than the crap i gave him. I feel like sh*t.

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You were given very good advice here, mainly with people telling you to leave him alone, but your choice was to ignore it and you lost him because of it. I think you might have had a chance if you had simply did what he asked, which was for you to give him some time to think.

I hate to be so blunt, but you blew it!

I'm glad to hear that you're going to go to counselling, because you seem to be extremely compulsive and I think you need help in dealing with that.

Good luck to you.

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mchalel--

Counseling is an excellent idea.

You say you started this relationship a year ago. A year ago you were still on the rebound from your failed marriage. The rule of thumb is to wait two years before expecting to start a new relationship.

Perhaps your insecurities stem from the ego slap of a failed marriage. Perhaps you've been unsure and uncertain of yourself for far longer. Before you think about another relationship, please put some time (and if necessary, money) into discovering yourself and why you do the things you do.

Your Recent Ex told you that you had a great many good points--but he couldn't stomach your excessive jealousy or your unwillingness to give him some time and space.

You need to figure out why you feel so needy and clinging.

Good luck in your self discovery.

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Wow. I'm bummed for you, Mchalel. These are hard lessons to learn... not every conversation should be started and not every question should be asked. My very best wishes that you'll find some comfort and peace soon. Talking to a counselor may be a very helpful thing.

As you can see from these poems, you are not alone in feeling sadness at love lost.

ASHES OF LIFE

Love has gone and left me and the days are all alike;
Eat I must, and sleep I will, -- and would that night were here!
But ah! -- to lie awake and hear the slow hours strike!
Would that it were day again! -- with twilight near!

Love has gone and left me and I don't know what to do;
This or that or what you will is all the same to me;
But all the things that I begin I leave before I'm through, --
There's little use in anything as far as I can see.

Love has gone and left me, -- and the neighbors knock and borrow,
And life goes on forever like the gnawing of a mouse, --
And to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow
There's this little street and this little house.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

SOUVENIR

Just a rainy day or two
In a windy tower,
That was all I had of you --
Saving half an hour.

Marred by greeting passing groups
In a cinder walk,
Near some naked blackberry hoops
Dim with purple chalk.
I remember three or four
Things you said in spite,
And an ugly coat you wore,
Plaided black and white.

Just a rainy day or two
And a bitter word.
Why do I remember you
As a singing bird?

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mchalel, counselling and some time to get comfortable on your own is probably a good idea. Seems like a lot of lessons to be learned came out of your relationship with this man. Good luck.

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Re: well it's over

mchalel wrote:

I couldnt help myself yesterday, i was absoultely miserable and i continued to call him....

In the beginning he saw absoultely nothing wrong with me....He told me that i'm the prettiest girl he's ever dated....

On the phone last night i cried and told him how much i loved him and how perfect he was etc. He was like you're just saying these things now because you dont want me to break up with you....

He said he still loves me and that he needs time and that if i really love him, i'll give him that. I said, oh you dont want space, you just want to break up.

I asked, so we are broken up? he said yes.

I said, ok so if i were to hook with someone it wouldnt be cheating.

He said no then added that he woulndt like it.

I said, well that's probably what you'll do.

he said he wouldnt, but that eventually he would start to date again.

So that's that. It's over. He said he still wanted to call me and see how i was doing every now and then and i cried and said no.

I then told him that i hated him and never to call me again. he ended up hanging up on me.

I called him back to apologize and left several messags and text messages apologizing. He has not called me back. I called again this morning-no asnwer, no call back....

I told him that he used me....

It really hurts but i did this to myself. My mom even told me the same thing. I feel terribly guilty now and it's like i just want to call him to apologize or just to hear his voice.

mchalel:

Based upon everything you have written, I agree with Montana.

You are compulsive. You are self-destructive. Even though you recognize what you're doing to torture your man [always after the fact], you don't stop yourself from doing it.

When there are possible consequences for your bad behavior, then you make promises to correct the problem, BUT YOU ALWAYS BREAK YOUR PROMISE.

He cannot trust you. You always break your promises. Even in the end, you couldn't stop yourself from pounding the last nails into the coffin. You tortured him with an emotional outburst and he hung up on you. You just PROVED to him AGAIN that he can't be in a healthy relationship with you.

He might think you're the prettiest girl he ever dated. So what? You could be the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth--but if you treat him like crap--he isn't going to enjoy spending time with you.

He might think you're the best he ever had in bed. So what? [See above.]

He might think [when you're on your best behavior] that you could be the mother of his children and he could spend the rest of his life with you. So what? You prove to him over and over again that he can't spend the rest of his life with you because you would make him miserable.

He might love you more than he has ever loved anyone in his past, but that doesn't mean he must relegate himself to being the object of your irrational, cruel outbursts.

YES--it hurts that you did this to yourself. But--that doesn't stop you from doing it over and over and over again. Empty promises and apologies mean nothing. Actions speak louder than words.

You need to learn how to build rather than destroy. Hopefully, counseling will help you to learn how to control your obsessive, compulsive, self-destructive behavior. BUT, you have to want to benefit from counseling and heed the lessons that life has taught you thus far.

I hope your future choices are happier and healthier for you and the people you love.

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Re: well it's over

mchalel wrote:

He might not have been THE one for me, but he certainly derserved better than the crap i gave him. I feel like sh*t.

It's time to stop beating yourself up. It really is. This great guy would not have held you in such high esteem for so many years if you were a psycho bitch. People usually learn from painful experience. It's just the way it goes. For all of us. You are not going to be the first or last temporarily psycho bitch on the planet. Sorry mchalel, you don't get that honor. So feel your pain, learn from this experience, take some time for yourself, heed the advice given and move on. We have all been where you are, meaning we have all made choices and mistakes we regret with people we once loved. It's okay. You are not alone. And try like hell, not to call him. He told you what he needs. If you love him and want whats best for him, listen to what he told you. That's all any of us can do for the people we love, is want for their happiness. Good Luck.

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I disagree with Montana. He was already set on leaving you, otherwise he wouldn't have gotten furious that you called him. You don't want to be with someone who gets furious by your mere presence anyway.

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SCoates
Did you read all her threads? I have and as he continued to ask her for time to think, she called and emailed him several times a day anyway pestering him, when he wanted to be left alone. I'm not sure if you have ever experienced being on the recieving end of this, but I have and I ended the relationship because of it. It wasn't because I didn't love him, it was because he was driving me insane. He was calling me at work constantly, just as she has and that interferes with ones job. I honestly don't think he was furious with here mere presence, but was fed up with her being obsessed with his past and him in general. People need room to breath and I don't know many people who can live with being smothered by another person. She is obviously obsessive and extremely compulsive and as someone who has lived with someone who was the same way, I can tell you that it's very disruptive and even abusive.

I do wish her the very best and truly hope she gets the help she needs.

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Personalities don't change very easily. I would assume both your relationship and hers would have ended anyway. I don't believe that not bothering the other person when they need space is a solution.

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We also have to look at the fact that she continuously lied to him by telling him she'd stop this behavior and almost instantly broke her word to him. If there's no trust in a relationship, you have nothing.

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A fact that may have confirmed his decision.

I'm curious, Montana, you say that is why you ended the relationship, but looking back do you see bits of his personality that were incompatible with yours throughout the relationship?

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Yes, we were and are 2 different people. We had some things in common, but others we didn't as in all my relationships.

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"incompatible" and "different" are very different things. Smile

Anyway, I think I see your points, but I don't believe they are major factors.

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I agree to disagree SCoates ;-)

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Hell, we all have something to say don't we. I have to say: don't go into another rebound. Commit to yourself not to be in a realationship (and not to look for a relationship) for at least 2 years. And even then, make sure you know yourself (and love yourself) before you try to love someone else: we can't give what we don't have.

God still loves you.
-Ghendo

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SCoates--

When either party in a relationship announces through his/her actions that his/her needs are more important than the other party's needs, the relationship should be doomed to failure.

"Please leave me alone for twenty four hours. I need time to think."

Should this statement really invite phone calls, e mails, instant messaging?

When it does, the interpretation is, "She isn't listening to me. What I want is not important."

There undoubtedly have been other indications of strain in this relationship, but ignoring that last request really put the kibosh on his love.

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But that's who she is. He has a problem with who she is. I cannot picture that relationship having lasted well. Regardless of what specifically ended it.

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SCoates
You're right in a sense, but she's going to have a very hard time with relationships if she doesn't learn to control certain things about herself.

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well it's over

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