I don't know whether to stay or go in my relationship

Actually, I don't think he has changed at all since he was 16. You are his mom, and he expects to be taken care of. I vote for "go", but that's very easy to say from the outside and looking in.

You are dealing with a child, not a man; agreeing with Roger.

I dont think that you break up over this, especially if he is a good father. Me, I would have affairs with more mature men. You dont want hubby to stunt your growth, you need to be around better quality people of you want to keep growing. Work is not enough, you need this in intimate relationship as well.

Edit: Re the Sex: if he is good what is the problem? Enjoy yourself, this relationship already does not bring you enough joy, why would you want to cut it more?

From the given description, I'm with Roger & Osso.

I daresay the issues are:

- she's worn out by her job. Tiredness decreases women's sex drive...and her husband, instead of being motivated to help return her sex drive to normal (by finding a job to alleviate her stress), sulks / throws hissy fits about her decreased sex drive.

- she's growing & maturing, while he's not (ie. they are growing apart)

- she's losing respect for him. How can you respect someone who has no motivation to better his life, while mooching off of you?

- and despite being a good father in many ways...what sort of example is her husband setting for their children (especially if they have a son)?

I think that you have out-grown this person. You were prepared to accept initially that love is exactly that. And, it is.

But you are a grown woman now that has more needs and desires in life. One being that you want an equal partner perhaps, one when you both get home from work can converse over the day as well as have interesting conversations and dreams and goals, more outings, more adventure.

I suspect as well as you work, he doesn't, he wants sex daily you a few times a week that you may also feel used. I am sure that is not his intention but he just doesn't seem to want to do anything other than play games all day and is not interested in working at all.

This is your life and please do not feel guilty if you decide to leave. I call that emotional abuse when someone continues to make you feel guilty if you were ever to contemplate that, he knows that you are and so I believe that he throws that at you.

I think that you are being too nice. Have a proper conversation not one that just suggests you would like him to work but why, what you feel you are missing, that you as a woman (and we do) have changed, matured and need more out of life, that coming home and seeing him playing video games all the time is not a life for him, there could be adventures, travelling, dinners, romance, love and you are missing it all. He truly needs to see that this is now deeply affecting you, your life and your lives together and he needs to do something to play apart of that change.

I hope that he does but if not, I personally would suggest that you remember, it's your life, your man will see his child and he will continue doing what he is doing, nothing but you and your child will be able to move on and find more "life" , "love" and fun he hopefully will remember you as the Mother of his child and a good friend for such a long time over time .

The posters that state you are his Mother, are correct in my opinion.

He is also in my opinion being selfish. You work. You are tired. He is demanding sex daily and then more but not giving into anything you are requesting from him. I believe that is why you are no longer attracted to him sexually, you feel used.

When you vow to stay with a person for life and marry early you KNOW that the years might have you growing in different ways. That is not a reason to divorce, this is what she signed on for. The correct path is to get the needs met outside of marriage if need be, and to work on ways to connect with ones spouse.

Loyal, warn, devoted to the family. Ya, what a bad example. *sarcasm*

The bad example, especially if they have a son, are the examples of:
- not being motivated to better you lot, nor your families
- not providing for your family
- mooching off your wife

As for the good examples you provided - you did notice that I said 'despite being a good father in many ways'...right?

Come now:
- she was extremely young, so it's a bit hard to claim with the degree of certainty that you use, that she knew / understood the risk of growing apart (how many teenagers truly think that far ahead?); and
- she also vowed fidelity. You're picking and choosing the parts of a wedding ceremony that you think is important, ignoring the parts you want to ignore, then saying 'she vowed it' & 'it's what she signed on for'.

You're also ignoring the fact that your suggested path won't solve the issues inherent in her situation. They'd provide a bandaid at best - treating a symptom rather than the cause (which isn't going away).

Your suggestion could even make things worse - if she hooks up with someone who is actually motivated.

At the end of the day, I'm all for couples trying to make marriages work. I also think that if there is a deep seated problem that makes one of the couple deeply unhappy, and if that person tries & tries to work it out with their spouse...but their spouse just won't be in on it...that is grounds for divorce.
Why?

To me, what makes a persons life successful - is that they lived their life happy (money, achievements etc are secondary to this eg. if you achieve things but those things don't make you happy, then to me, that is not true success). If you get to the end of your life, and you've spent the last 40 years of it unhappy...you've wasted your life.

So saying again - in a marriage, try everything to can to make it work, but if you are long term unhappy, and your spouse wants nothing to do with providing you with the things you need for happiness...that is grounds for divorce.

It is of course, up to the OP whether or not this is her situation...and if it is, whether or not she thinks it's grounds for divorce.

No, as a matter of fact if you marry that early, you don't KNOW. Same goes for those that marry much later. As for growing in different ways, he hasn't grown in any way at all, unless you count his acquisition of new games, which have been paid for by the bread winner in the family.

Thank you all so much for your input. It has given me another way of looking at this. All of your replies were helpful. I think I will take a bit more time to make sure that I want to leave. I just worry that the longer it takes for me to make a decision, the worse it will be if I do go. Or that I will be making everything more painful.

Are they married?

(not sure that it really matters in a long-term relationship, but wondering)

These two sentences are contradictory and a non-sequitur:

A good man and father will do the right thing and bust his tail supporting his family ..not to mention carry his own weight. He needs goals..and somehow...he has none and drifts.


He's the one who should be leaving....not you!

You've been in an unfair situation so long that you've lost your objectivity. Or perhaps you've had to close your eyes out of necessity? You're carrying both ends, being emotionally supportive as well as financially supportive. A good man wouldn't allow this to continue on this way. Where's his pride and sense of duty? Your not his parent so stop acting like one.

Your young enough to forge a new life and so is he. Sad to say, and as harsh as it sounds, perhaps he needs to learn life's lessons the hard way. Your child is so young ..that whatever adjustments that need to be made, can be made without a lot trauma. Of course, he should be able to visit and spend time with his child...but your need to have an equal partner...is a priority.