Post affair stalemate

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He has cheated a few times as well as lying about associations that undoubtedly would have led to cheating if not discovered.
Each time it ate away at some of my attraction to him. After the last time, I wasn't really bouncing back from it. I tried. I hoped it would change with time. Finally I fessed up; I'd been having obligation sex and didn't know what to do. I was also dealing with an injury that made sex difficult and taking pain meds that can lower libido. He was majorly hurt to learn this.
Shortly after that, he had an online affair with his friend's spouse. They live in a different state.

We both remember the good stuff in our 11years. We both claim to want to get back to a good relationship. Now that I've physically healed from my injury and am off the meds, we're not arguing all the time, and I'm trying to work on things, he is not very responsive. He claims I've made him feel undesirable and I have to take the reigns and push this forward for us both. I find this unfair; I too was made to feel inadequate. We haven't slept in the same bed in 6 months. I've told him I'm willing to share sleeping arrangements again. I'm showing affection. He insists telling him we can share a bed again isn't asking or wanting him. He knows I find this unfair. Should we just forget the whole mess and end it? Has anyone gotten to this point and worked past it?

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Type: Question • Score: 9 • Views: 1,479 • Replies: 14

[+3] - jespah - 07/15/2015Wait, HE had the affair, while YOU were hurt (a factor beyond your control) and HE thinks he's the injured party?

@Tetty,

Wait, HE had the affair, while YOU were hurt (a factor beyond your control) and HE thinks he's the injured party?

1 Reply

@jespah,

Yes. He too feels undesirable because I told him I had been having sex with him without wanting to. Obligation sex. So really, both of us have been made to feel undesirable by the other. I felt undesired because he has had affairs despite his assuring me that it wasn't for lack of wanting me. He felt undesired because I told him his affair behavior had caused me to not desire him. How much of that was caused by the pain meds for my injury and how much was due to disgust over his affairs can't be quantified. It still remains he was told I didn't want him.

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@Tetty,

No, hon. He is not the injured party here, despite what he's telling you. This is nowhere near an equivalency.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Believe me I know I am the more injured party. It doesn't mean he wasn't hurt to learn I wasn't desirous of him.
He and I could torture each other all the way to a divorce over who hurt who more or who was the bigger jerk, but I'm looking for ways to move past this and on to a healthier relationship.

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@Tetty,

Wait, HE had the affair, while YOU were hurt (a factor beyond your control) and HE thinks he's the injured party?

1 Reply

@chai2,

Did I wander into one of those sites where no one reads anything? Just repeats info from the original post without adding to the topic?

1 Reply

@Tetty,

I imagine they repasted the original sentence because:
- they wholeheartedly agreed with it; and
- you talk like you & your spouses 'indiscretions' have the same circumstances, and you both have an equal amount of work to make up

Rephrasing in different ways:

- he had multiple affairs....said he'd stop each time...lied to you each time...his behaviour resulted in you desiring him less (an honest and common emotion)...and he is blaming you for hurting him.

- his affair was a decision he made, knowing it would hurt you if he found out, and he did them anyway Vs your loss of desire was an honest emotion resulting from his behaviour...but you're at fault (according to him) for his hurt

You may find it frustrating...but no one is going to agree with your husbands ego driven lack of empathy for your circumstances (considering it is his betrayal that has resulted in such an understandable reaction on your part)

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@Tetty,

Sex is the answer to this problem, however you can get him erotically charged, does he dig sluts?

The pro's usually insist that sex is about the last part of the relationship couples should work on, but a lot of times this is wrong. Once you click sexually often a lot of the rest just falls into place. nobody wants to argue, ******* is way more fun. It is way hard to refuse or be made at the person that you lust after and **** three times a day.

My wife filed divorce. We decided to give it another try, devoting ourselves to kinky sex. It worked.

Does this answer your question?

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@hawkeye10,

BTW if you are going to be successfully married you have to stop insisting that everything should be always fair. Sometimes you go the extra miles or give the most, sometimes he does. From the sounds of it if you want this fixed you are going to have to lead. This is OK. Just so long as it is not always you.

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I agree with Hawkeye (did I just say that?)

It sounds like you want to start over. It sounds like you are ready to forgive the past.

Get back into his bed. Start over just like you did when you were dating. Cuddle, do lots of petting and lots of kissing.

Of course, you have to ask him if he is willing to begin again. If he's not, then that tells you that too much water has gone over the dam and you need to let him go.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

If by sluts you mean people who enjoy a large menu of sex acts, then yes he likes them. He married one. His actions reduced my want to participate. So, for asurrance, he didn't experience a lack of frequency or variety in that regard, causing him to seek out others. His seeking out others led to me trying to fake it till I make it. When I found myself still struggling and let him know, he was hurt to know he wasn't as desirable (to me) as he believed.

Now it feels like I am being required to act overly enthusiastic for him to bother responding to my advances. This results in the same feeling as before for me; playing it up for his ego and hiding that I'm trying to rebuild from a point of reduced desire. And that isn't a turn on for me while I'm trying to increase my desire.

It isn't about a belief that it's got to be fair or even effort. It's about not wanting to feel like I have to make it up to him that his actions had a negative impact on me.

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@PUNKEY,

Well yeah and I've been doing so.....to a person who SAYS they want to repair and move forward, BUT acts like a reluctant virgin when I try to move from cuddle time to sex.

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@Tetty,

If you're unable to break out of this stalemate, then maybe you and your hubby should consider counseling? maybe individual counseling first and maybe joint counseling later?

It's the repeated lying, I think, that stings the most. Surely he promised you that he wouldn't hurt you again, but he did it anyway ... several times and the pain remains. He engages in deflection (paints you as the bad one in the situation) and that way he can avoid responsibility and doesn't have to deal with your pain and the consequences of his lies and affairs.

I think you need to first determine if you are better off with him or without him ... emotionally, financially, etc. And individual counseling might help in that regard. I hope things get better for you soon.

1 Reply

@Debra Law,

In determining the better/worse off, its a push. Cuts at work have me making much less than before. Even with bennies, counseling is not in the budget. Currently, financially, I'd be worse off. Emotionally? I can't tell. Dropping it and running for the hills always sounds like the strong move in theory. In reality, that route is never as glamorous as an empowering Lifetime movie would have one believe. In real life the only guarantee is a better soundtrack.
Ending it would remove the immediate pressure to find a solution but add the pressure of financial struggle.

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