9
   

Friend with benefits decided to say he loves me.

 
 
Reply Tue 14 Jul, 2015 01:27 pm
This might get kind of long and rambling, apologies if it does. I had been with a man who I had intended to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, he passed away. I have not dated or been with a man, or wanted a relationship, since then.

It's been five years, and in all bluntness I miss sex. I have a male friend who is single, who I trust, who knows why I don't want a relationship, and who was willing to be my friend with benefits. I have only ever been with these two men, the idea of hooking up randomly with men at bars or clubs or whatever whenever I wanted my itch scratched just doesn't appeal to me, and there are things that I can't give myself when I fly solo.

So things seemed perfect. They were going well, until he decided he had to tell me he loves me. He said he would feel wrong not saying anything. I told him again I don't want a relationship, and he said he knows, but he felt I needed to know. And now things seem so wrong.

I do not want to quit, I like what I have, and he's a good lover. But my life would have been a lot better if he had not said anything. I have tried to get advice elsewhere, and I get told I'm leading him on, I'm a bad person, I'm selfish, so on so forth, things that don't help me when I have no idea what to do or say about this to him.

So... I guess what I'm saying is, I'd like help without being judged.
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jul, 2015 01:28 am
@snowedin,
If he's okay with it, then there's nothing wrong with it. That is to say - some men can be in love and accept that the woman doesn't love them in return....but...that's some men - if I had to guess, I'd say a significant majority can't accept such.

I would say the difference between the two types of men (above) is a result of self-esteem, self-assurance, and outlook on life (personal beliefs can really affect the outcome, irrespective of self-esteem etc).

Quote:
And now things seem so wrong.
Why are they so wrong now?

Quote:
But my life would have been a lot better if he had not said anything.
Why would it have been better?

I'm not trying to be facetious - I know what the normal reason for such statements. The reason I ask is that because, currently your viewpoint is purely one of your own perception/anxieties/fears, rather than reality...

...There are other ways to look at this situation, and it starts by seeing your friend for who he is really is. After seeing who he really is, then you can decide whether or not the current arrange will still work for the two of you.

All that said...I think my above viewpoint may be a bit unusual.

Hope it helps some.
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jul, 2015 05:16 am
@snowedin,
Your responsibility here is to be completely honest. You've done that. If he were asking for advice, I would say "she's been completely clear with you, if that is not what you want, move on", but he's not asking. If he decides he wants something you told him you aren't going to provide, he will leave in his own time.
0 Replies
 
snowedin
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jul, 2015 08:34 am
@vikorr,
I don't know, but I kind of feel like I have an obligation to him somehow. It also doesn't seem as fun, it's a little stressful now wondering if he's doing this because he loves me or because he's just in the same mindset as me.

I feel like I had a great situation going, and now it's become complicated.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jul, 2015 04:13 pm
@snowedin,
Friends with benefits often becomes complicated. Unless your emotions are screwed up (and I'm not having a shot at you in saying this)...how can you not feel a greater connection with someone you regularly have sex with?

And if you feel a greater connection, and you admire / like who they are, then how can you not feel a little love for that person?

Some limited number of men can handle their emotions (in your friends with benefits situation)- referencing it to within a particular environment...most can't (hence my saying - your decision making needs to start with seeing who he is). Life isn't perfect, so we make of it what we will (hopefully a considered will).

So yes, it can easily become complicated. If you want to avoid that, then you choose a bad boy as your bonk buddy - but then you also have to put up with the bad boy package (sleeping with other women behind your back, the fights, the manipulation/lies, the blame on you when things go wrong, the make up sex, the downward affect on your self-esteem etc)

-------------------

Your current situation will be less fun...but that is life. It is up to you what you make of it from here. We can just point out what you need to understand to make an informed decision, and you make one.
snowedin
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jul, 2015 06:58 pm
@vikorr,
I'm not interested in a bad boy. Or to sleep around with whatever crosses my path. It can work for some people, but not me. I just felt comfortable with him, that I could trust him, and it was a great option. I didn't think things would be like this. I really didn't.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jul, 2015 09:44 pm
@snowedin,
I didn't say you were interested in a bad boy - you had previously posted that you weren't, and I pointed out numerous problems with such.

The point of bad boys was made to illustrate the natural complications regarding what you are asking for...and as a comparison to what you have now.
Krumple
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jul, 2015 09:55 pm
@snowedin,
snowedin wrote:

This might get kind of long and rambling, apologies if it does. I had been with a man who I had intended to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, he passed away. I have not dated or been with a man, or wanted a relationship, since then.

It's been five years, and in all bluntness I miss sex. I have a male friend who is single, who I trust, who knows why I don't want a relationship, and who was willing to be my friend with benefits. I have only ever been with these two men, the idea of hooking up randomly with men at bars or clubs or whatever whenever I wanted my itch scratched just doesn't appeal to me, and there are things that I can't give myself when I fly solo.

So things seemed perfect. They were going well, until he decided he had to tell me he loves me. He said he would feel wrong not saying anything. I told him again I don't want a relationship, and he said he knows, but he felt I needed to know. And now things seem so wrong.

I do not want to quit, I like what I have, and he's a good lover. But my life would have been a lot better if he had not said anything. I have tried to get advice elsewhere, and I get told I'm leading him on, I'm a bad person, I'm selfish, so on so forth, things that don't help me when I have no idea what to do or say about this to him.

So... I guess what I'm saying is, I'd like help without being judged.


Since you were upfront with him from the beginning, I don't see any problem. I think the people that want to berate you are just annoyed that you are not "acting" how they have decided for themselves to act. There is NOTHING wrong with this decision you have made.

I say continue with it, but just keep reminding him that it will never be more than what it is and if he can handle that then everything is good.

hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jul, 2015 09:58 pm
@snowedin,
He told you not out of obligation but because at least a part of him wants you to love him back. Now you tell him "you know that probably is not going to happen. I still want you as a **** buddy but if you cant deal with us being that and friends only then this has to end now". Be iron forged...unequivocal and uncompromising. Maybe you not completely ruling out that it could happen will be enough.
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  0  
Reply Wed 15 Jul, 2015 10:03 pm
@snowedin,
Quote:
I kind of feel like I have an obligation to him somehow.

you do, it is to make sure that he knows exactly where you stand and that you will not be pushed on this matter. If lightning strikes and you fall in love with him great, but otherwise he needs to shut up on the subject.
snowedin
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jul, 2015 10:04 pm
@vikorr,
I think I follow.
0 Replies
 
snowedin
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jul, 2015 10:06 pm
@Krumple,
I didn't think of it that way, but I guess I'm not acting like people would act themselves in such as situation. I don't even know how any of you would act.
snowedin
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jul, 2015 10:12 pm
@hawkeye10,
I told him at the start, and again when he brought it up, and I am firm with it. I imagine many people think I'm throwing my life away, but it's how I feel.

Hell, I had someone else tell me that I should marry him because I'm at the age where I would want kids and he loves me!
hawkeye10
 
  0  
Reply Wed 15 Jul, 2015 10:24 pm
@snowedin,
Try to make the next time you tell him the last time. I recommend having something memorized and practiced ready to go when he tries again. You will hurt his ego and you might not have a friend anymore, but if you dont this is going to go to an even worse place.

You have been clear on where you stand, and you will do it one more time almost certainly, but after that cut him off. He needs to honor your demands or leave.
0 Replies
 
Krumple
 
  3  
Reply Thu 16 Jul, 2015 07:46 pm
@snowedin,
snowedin wrote:

I didn't think of it that way, but I guess I'm not acting like people would act themselves in such as situation. I don't even know how any of you would act.


Yeah it is part of how we evolved as a species. Some of us decide morality and want to impose it on the entire group/tribe/species. So when you behave a little contrary to what they have already defined they want to abuse you for it. I personally don't think you are doing anything wrong.

Let me change the situation a little. If a guy asks to marry you, do you always have to say yes? If you say no, are you in some way a bad person because you said no to his proposal? I see this situation as similar, perhaps some might not see it as the same but I do.

You want sex, not looking for a relationship. What's wrong with it? Nothing. Society wants to impose some moral or behavior standard on you and dictate that you are wrong. That is some system that is either outdated or theocratic in nature.

When it comes to relationships, it really should only matter between you and him. The only time anything else should be considered is if the person is underage or in some way incapable of making a proper decision.
0 Replies
 
HesDeltanCaptain
 
  1  
Reply Mon 3 Aug, 2015 10:56 am
@snowedin,
When we have sex with people, especially if we climax or orgasm, chemicals are produced in our brains which most mistake for love. It's designed to aid and ensure pair-bonding and reproduction. But as with every other emotion it's merely the result of chemicals being produced or regulated.

Here though it's equal parts your aversion to being in love with someone again because you're afraid of losing them as with your intended. Just as it he's only saying it because it's hard not to fall in love with people you have sex with. I've always maintained to be successful in porn you have to be a clinical sociopath to some extent. Not a bad thing, just that without that you're going to be falling for everybody you work with and that isn't going to result in a very effective career. Smile
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Mon 3 Aug, 2015 11:22 am
@snowedin,
Do what Cher's character did to Nicolas Cage's character in Moonstruck:

0 Replies
 
 

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