Bathsalt lover nightmare

Okay so this is the first time i’ve ever saught advice in this really messed up situation I have come to be in for the past 5 years.

I met a guy in Outpatient at a local facility, called Match in Hornell, NY where I am from basically, I had heard his name a bit while using drugs from some drug buddies, I thought from my immature mind at that time from all the here say this guy was a scumbag, by the way let me clarify I am a 23 year old gay dude, I kinda label myself if I had to as pansexual but thats beside the point so I’ll continue on, I ended up hearing my best friend who I have known since I was like 9 years old and whom I was using drugs with (opiates, bathsalts etc) Big time bathsalt codependent relationship bestfriend sort of deal anyway I foundout they had sex a couple times and what not, so I was in group one morning, and he walked in.. I didn’t know who he was but I was really nervous, and had the incapability of looking at such a highly attractive guy, I was literally staring at the floor the whole group until like twice i glanced over at him and we locked eyes, he sorta smirked and what not so it was the next group and upon walking out I dropped a cig in the hallway walking out of the building and he picked it up and gave it to me, and he called my name outside and said “hey you dropped this” I ended up saying Thanks, You can have it.. I can’t remember if he accepted or not but yeah.

So I went home and got on facebook, and I saw he added me and we started talking on facebook about casual stuff and such and then it happened. He said he was bi, out of the blue and kinda put the vibe he was interested sexually and he didn’t want it to be said by me to anyone about what he sent and I agreed to keep it a secret. so days passed and we talked on the phone about government conspiracies and more casual stuff, and then we started talking a little sexual via text messages we exchanged nude photos and later that night of the same day as the photograph exchanging he assertively asked if I wanted to come to his place which was about 20 mins away driving distance and I had just recently lost my virginity to another dude who was a virgin via homosexually and it didn’t end at all very positively. I realized I have a problem with this whole idolization pedestal thing where I put people on a pedestal, It may appear I am doing it with this guy as you read on, but I beg to differ, I do not idolize him I don't want to have these feelings for him or for ANYONE, they suck.

Anyway I was really distraught mentally, insecure physically.. I felt disgusting.. and was too scared so I explained my feelings and kinda rejected his invitation out of fear.. it was kinda mutually as I got further into my fear filled responses via texting he stopped responding.. he ended up not going back to group and going to a private doctor for suboxone treatment, and I learned he started hanging out and dating my bestfriend i mentioned earlier.. and they were yeah.. I didn’t care really at the time.. I liked him but was still obsessed with the guy I lost my virginity too like 8 months prior.. so yeah.. the two of them one night wanted to come down to my house and hangout and share bathsalts with me, and unbeknownst to them I had bathsalts I shared with them that they were shocked I had quite a bit of after they came and shared what they had, we ended up staying up for three days and Iving and smoking a chemical known as MDPV, and we bonded.. on the first night they were in my shower having sex and he said to her as I sat outside on the steps watching hallucinations known as shadow people, He wanted to have a threesome and me have sex with him while he had sex with her sometime, not in that moment but I said sure, and yeah. We ended up chillin for the remaining few days until I had ran out of the drug, they left and went back across the street supposably and yeah, I had suspicions they were upstairs of my house and never left, but was probably hallucinating, I thought they just needed a place to be so they could **** around in private (without anyone knowing because her family didnt want him around due to them thinking his character was very negative of quality and status a criminal and druggie and etc in her grandmother’s words he was a “low life scumbag” I think anyway..)

So we hungout like I think once more but only because I had salt, and me and her hungout more and more until I was at the point of everyday IV use, I was ordering a chemical after MDPV got banned known as APVP which was legal at that point, and we never had to really worry about having it, he was in jail I think at that point for some reason.. anyway months went on and our codependant friendship between me and her got worse, she was basically just using me because of me always having it and money to get it from my father whom I lied to ALOT about being not a drug user but I got progressively worse, So we ended up going to jail due to her house getting raided, and yeah.. we got out on PTR, (pretrial release) and shortly after mine and her released he was too, I started feeling very paranoid, and delusional I started thinking he was following me around and living in my house because of sounds and seeing him a few times and yeah, it’s hard to explain in detail but I thought he was living in my two story house cause he was homeless ( this is where my story getst a bit delusional and mentally bizarre ) We ended up hanging out like two more times one time he came to my house after I got from a local drug buddy at the time, me, him, and two other people took a taxi and while in the backseat of the cab, I started rubbing his you know and no body saw, I told him I wanted the chance to do this, that, and this with him and treat him like a king and give him the royal treatment lol, well anyway the four of us went to my house and smoked and IVed and me and him ended up going up and taking a shower together, I got really emotional and said I had all these feelings and did since I seen him, and that I thought I loved him, we fooled around a bit, and yeah..I partially and we tried to have intercourse but being high and nervous we were unsuccessful, we ended up going downstairs and smoked a bit more with everyone.

I was pretty sad sorta because I felt incompetent of fulfilling “the deed” and yeah that whole blues song. So everyone left even though I felt like he was still there, and etc, but anyways.. him and that codependent bestfriend were on and offly dating, and sexing around.. that whole business.. and I was slowly but sure convincing myself this guy was living at my house and was sneakishly doing so where he was evading me catching him and stealing bathsalts from me in small-medium size increments every day, as I had physically seen him a few times, in mirrors and etc.. but I considered them and disregarded them as deluwional and hallucinatory (if I were to write about all I thought, felt, and considered this post’s response and advice would consist of surely mental health judgements, concerns, and etc but it was all very real to me at the time so lol) ANYWAY, moving on. He ended up calling me and came down and spent the night with me, when he arrived he took his hoodie off and his shirt was stuck to his hooded sweatshirt and on him I saw clear as day on the left side of the center of his chest taped with black electrical tape a thin black wire, he was talking very strangely and was asking me about ordering bathsalt, and iving and what not.. we ended up not really doing anything..sexual instead he kept acting weird like someone else was in the house upstairs, he kept saying he wanted to be alone for a bit upstairs, where I can pretty much assume he had sex with someone up there, as I remained downstairs creating a feeling of jealousy, and anger.. and irritability.. which turned into sadness.. he ended up getting high on stuff he supposably found around my home upstairs, while he wouldnt share with me.. but instead I was given two of his 2mg xanax bars i snorted them, at about 7am, as I was pretty upset about being denied sexual activity the whole night with him, and him acting weird and talking weird, and the wire being seen..(also as i faded out on the xanax I watched him masturbate in the next room and I’m pretty sure someone was helping but that might of been jealousy fabricating the fear of what I felt was happening in the next room) I was also waiting for a package of 1 gram of APVP and I passed out drugged on xanax and when I woke up 24 hours later, he was gone and sad left my place and my package was missing from mailbox and was delivered according to the post man, and post office.

That was the last I SEEN him for awhile after the mail theft and what not, but still sensed him around me and whatever..oddly I can only imagine the thoughts of those of you reading this but bare with me please! (just consider me mentioning this as delusional wishing I suppose if I were you reading this thats what i’d look at that type of mentally ill desired filled talk as) So about a year or two later, he hadnt talked to me at all, He ended up getting that bestfriend I was using daily with pregnant and they ended up breaking up her whole pregnancy, and I was hanging out with him and trying to daily, getting him high daily, and basically letting him use me just so I could see him and be around him, we messed around like once during this time but no intercourse, He was literally just -charming me, and disarming me emotionally and mentally with jealousy and sadness, and alarming me.. cause he’d always leave wherever we’d hangout and vanish..and not come back.. So yeah, then the night came where I found out and suspected he was messing around sexually with my own mother, which he was. I didn’t visually see it, but he was at her house at 4am coming out of her bedroom wearing clothes I seen prior that weren’t hers on her floor near her hamper of her bedroom.. and he had his boots in his hand.. i ended up learning he was C.Iing me (confidential informant) and was trying to set me up with bathsalts as a supplier sharing it to people and giving it to them but not selling for money but for their company and friendships.

The charges potentially i assume sales, and reckless endangerment in the 1st, as that was what his charge at the current time was, so I assume as a C.I he was trying to get someone else to get same charge as that is how it works with those type of informant deals. So my bestfriend who was also involved with this with having knowledge, obviously had his baby.. which is a girl. He and her have been together now basically since my last arrest back last summer time, We did have one last ronde vu when I got out in Januaryish of this year he came to her house where I went to see her 21 year old brother and her mom ( she is in a halfway house out of town so she wasn’t around he came to his baby girl and her brother and her grandmother and mother for the night, he got drunk, and we used a little bathsalt, there was some interest mutually in sexing around, we did a little but once again could not “get hard” and yeah, another sad blue tune with my lucky life.. he ended up ditching me the whole night taking his drugs and going into the other room by “himself” and using and wanted to be alone in a completely dark room with the door pretty much shut and light off, I heard some sounds I just disregarded as hallucinatory, like sex sounds.. maybe I just was afraid I don’t know.. I felt humiliated, rejected, unworthy and just disgusting to him and pathetic.. as a guy.. I felt desperate..

Which turned into anger and assumptive accusations were said.. I spewed words out at him.. which was pretty common..via texts while he and my “bestfriend” were broken up and I was getting him high it was at its peak of my insane comments I was saying to him, but Everything I said I felt as accurate, real, and truth as far as what I was physically gathering from his and all the people were hanging around body language.. and his and their words, aura, and vibes. Like for example one night, he told me he didn’t want a relationship but wanted to experiment and be wild and just have fun and even though it’s not what I wanted to hear I FIN ALLY told him how I felt out loud.. that “I have deep emotion for him.. and that I kinda sorta am in love with everything about him” He started getting teary eyed and sorta cried while trying not too, but yeah..He became a mind game, I was and am still very confused. Like the last time I see him was about 3 weeks ago, on the 23rd or 24th my bestfriend came and got me, shes been sober for 170days and his kid now, he was drinking with her 21 year old brother who is also gay, at her house..we went there.. and they were outback. with her mother and their kid and her brother, he and her brother built a fire pit out of rocks they gathered earlier that day from the creek and my friend was pissed that he has been drinking so much and she is trying to abstain and remain abstinent, and what not.

He said “you like the fire pit you I built for you that you wanted last weekend” and she made a very disregarding, kinda bitchy comment saying it was stupid and not what she wanted really, and laughed smug like, he got very angry, and said some inappropriate words and we all went up to the porch kinda one at a time because they were fighting and being distant with eachother, he began to say it was because of me that she was treating him poorly and called me a “queer, a bathsalt fairy faggot chasing elves in the woods” was word for word what he said, and he mentioned my attempts I had been making the months prior sending him texts trying to get him to open up to me and talk to me, and was always ignored.. everyone got mad at him for saying that stuff, I had then told my friend the reason why he was upset was because I clearly make him uncomfortable because of everything that had gone on, My mom, us, the drugs, his “work”, the list goes on.. and that its because she disregarded his effort with the fire pit, I told her to go tell him she appreciated it and liked it, and she went and did, I think (I didn’t hear what they talked about but he started being calmer and wasn’t saying mean things to me or about me) we all sat around the fire for like 30 minutes, and then me and her went in to watch a movie and so i could charge my phone. He and her brother remained outside to drink and stalk.. I assume. He came in and said he was gonna goto the bar down the road and she was kinda sad, and yeah I ended up leaving shortly after and went to my dads to stay for fathers day, So.

Ultimately the advice I am seeking is the fact that this guy, I am attached to him, I am in love and have so much love may it be considered in your minds as positive or of a negative light it beside the point obviously. Like I want to be with this guy, and a part of my thinks he really does like me, and it’s because he wants to be straight and have this straight life (the American dream) and marry her and have kids and get a house, but still do sexually fetish like and can with her via sex toys and what not and doesnt need to have these “itches scratched” but a part of him lusts for it, you know? Like. He will not talk to me, He thinks I’m a fucked up human being, I don’t know if it’s because of what happened with my mother, or with everything collectively.. but I’m really screwed up in my heart about him, like.. He is the only guy.. I’ve ever..said no to having sex with, and I’ve only had sex like 5 guys, and it’s like I don’t know what was real and a hallucination via him being in my house or any of that.. i’m just disregarding that stuff ( I physically caught him having sex with a girl we both knew and were using with in my basement, they wanted me to join in and I shook my head no and turned around and went back upstairs from the cellar) Just so everyone can realize that all that was real Lol. He’s the only guy I’ve ever hungout with, like literally… even if it was just him using me for some disgusting drug.. It’s haunting me, he is one of the only things that plagues my damn head.. She hasn’t talked to me either..I’ve tried calling but no answer, I just feel like She’s so pretty, and has all the things physically he desires, and I’m not envious like that.. but it’s just clear to me.. maybe I’m not worth being in a “queer” in his words relation with. Like I really feel alot for this damn monster of a dude, and I know I’ve accused him of alot that HE WILL ALWAYS DENY and say I’m crazy and need mental help for and all that, but I don’t care about any of it.. There is alot i’m leaving out.. about what i’ve physically sacrificed for him, like literally my health.. I gave myself Hepatitis C and shot up his blood because I wanted him to know, I would sacrifice myself and give him solace so we could go through it together, and that he doesnt got to go through it alone, I know probably the most ridiculous and disturbing thing a person could so carelessly due..


But I don’t know what else to say, I have no shame, or regret. Just feelings of embarrassment, and makes me feel like in his mind.. I’m just some pathetic gay dude who he’ll always be disgusted with, and never will give the time of day too the same as he gives these girls who have blond hair, and perfect skin, and ultimately can give him what is acceptable to his family, and society and his own wants/needs and to secure his status of these things. I’m pathetic. Lost. And dumb to even want hope with this. Please help, I’m all eyes, ears, mind and heart and am willing to listen to ANYTHING and have no idea what I can do..I know trying to talk to him is pointless. The thing is.. I feel really really think the only thing i’ll get from this is “Oh, just let him go, he’s with your friend (WHO HATES ME DEEP DOWN which is a very clear as day long story I can discuss later which has todo with childhood the start of our friendship it was physically abusive on her end towards me, she and her brother used to literally beat the **** out of me and pinch me and hurt me when i just wanted to be friends and be around other kids but was hated cause of being different (gay) to sum it up quick but it goes wayy deeper in detail it's ******* messed up how desperate I am for people I want in my life, who literally hate me..and want only to hurt me for amusement, and entertainment clearly) but ohh also that he now has a kid with her, and to just drop it and forget about him like its so ******* easy.. get clean (i've been off salts with no cravings since june 25th of this year i know two weeks aint ****, but it is for me in my case) or this whole post will be ignored which i expect but i figured i’d try and wing it and HOPE HOPE HOPE.. I just can't stand this ******* girl who can sit there on the phone talk to me about him knowing EVERYTHING, and say "he's annoying with how happy he is, with me and our kid, like he has all these ideas of us having a perfect family, doing things, going to theme parks, buying a house, and it's annoying how he acts cause I don't feel it..", but then the next minute she does, and then says how "He's drinking everyday, and can't be around it.. he gets quiet when he drinks, and i'm trying to stay sober and don't want that in mine and our daughters life", and I have the advice.. genuinely to give it a chance, cause if she leaves him the drinking will just get worse, and his health isn't the greatest and I care like that you know? and.. she's said twice to me now how sometimes their sex is soo good, and throws it in my face knowing it ******* fu[/RIGHT]cks with me, and then says "the passions just not there for me, but it is for him." that was like a month and a half ago.. She literally talks about him like he's in the palm of her hand because he's got this security of the concept of a family he can provide for and work for this "American Dream". Which I think is awesome, it gives him what he wants to live for, then I love it for him, but it just ******* sucks for me, because I could never give that, obviously, it's not envious.. just crappy lol.

There is alot being left out about him and his past but it's irrelevant.. it's just what he desires.. is conflicting to him in nature, but.. I'm not what he wants, needs, or anything of that sort. He has everything he has ever wanted, which means he's happy.. right? But why does he drink then? I mean I don't know the intensity of how much or anything but by my impression it's beyond normal use, but he's a grown man, as long as he gets what he wants. That is what generic as it to say.. matters. Which I am acceptingly understanding more and more..every second. I just wanted to be the one who gave it to him.. and appreciate and be grateful for it.. not the other way around where he is to her. She isn't.. even if her words claim the opposite. I know her, and she is the last person to have gratitude for anyone in her life, in her mind and way of existence it's something SHE deserves from everyone else, but it's not recognized as deserved because it's ALWAYS GAVE without doing ****...but being pretty...and looking good, and acting perfectly to fit what people desire from her without hoping to see anything else until she gets pissed, and gets her way always, shes never been where I am with a guy, EVER. She has never had a heart thats been unwanted because she is physically what is the idea of aesthetic beauty, she is wanted in totality without concern of the depth of the being that wears the costume that is her skin, she isn't a bad person I don't think, But her capability of love is shown with her gratitude.. when speaking such truths about him to someone like me which was said in truthful confidence.. of her opinion deep down.

I fear I just can’t let go of someone who was just a "lustful pipe dream wishful idea of hopeful fantasy" anyway, right?.. Just feel like a dumb dumb because I desire too more than partially but.. I literally have no way of letting go of the idea of the one thing i'd do ANYTHING for in idea and in wishful desire, and it's THE ONLY thing, and the one chance i’ll never get.. it’s fucked up man. ****. Ultimately my final self conclusioned question..Why Is he worth even spending the time writing all this? I think I'm sick, or in some way undergoing an undesired infatuation with somebody I don't even want to feel like this about. I'm done talking now. It's all futile I think anyway. Just waiting for the generic advice to "accept".. right? And find a way to let go and not care or dwell on this? <33