Fri 10 Jul, 2015 09:01 am
First I want to express my gratitude for those of you taking the time to read my story and provide your advice. It's comforting to know others are going through a similar situation. I will try to explain my situation as concise as possible. I am really looking for some guidance and possible tips to figure out if she's having an affair.
About four weeks ago my wife packed her things and lived with her mother. She had warned me that I was not giving her enough attention, always busy with work , that i was not moving ahead to have a baby and get a house like i had promised. I offered to change, but she went through with the "separation" and it lasted about two and a half weeks with regular communication. We talked throughout the separation and she regularly told me she missed me, loved me, and seemed genuinely concerned. I finally got her to come home about a week ago, but her cell phone behavior at home has changed drastically.
I want to make note that we are getting along so good right now, better than ever before, almost as if we first started dating. Our sex life is back to normal and stronger than it ever was. The problem I have is that she is showing strange behavior with her cell phone. This is unlike her. She has become very close with one of her girlfriends from work and they text about every 10 minutes ( so she says). She was never a social butterfly, and really has never had any girlfriends other than her mother. She is glued to her cell phone and she takes it wherever she goes. She keeps it password locked in her shirt, sleeps with it under her pillow, checks it when i walk away, exhibits a strange nervous aura ( nail biting, etc..) when she sneaks a peak, makes excuses to leave the room, etc... She is acting so strange!! Her cell phone usage is taking away from our personal time and every time she uses it I feel emotionally detached from her and physically sick to my stomach.
This behavior has made me physically ill for the past two weeks. I have asked her about it many times and she promises me she is just talking to her one girlfriend. She will even show me ( when its convenient ) her text messages with her girlfriend, but she will never show me "on the spot" when i ask. I asked her the other night to see her cellphone RIGHT NOW and she declined and got kind of defensive. Five minutes later she took her phone to the bathroom and texted me an image of her text message inbox. This was extremely fishy, because i feel she deleted any texts and sent me only what she wants me to see. If she is only talking to her girlfriend, why does she feel the need to be so secretive?
As far as i can tell, this possible affair has no way of being physical, because for the past two weeks she has spent all of her time with me, besides while she is at work. There was one occasion shortly after she moved back in that she woke up very early and drove 1 hour to " help her girlfriend pack her stuff to move out from her boyfriends appartment and move in with her dad." I tracked her car that day and she drove an hour there, spent 30 minutes, and left. It was not an apartment but a house. This has been bothering me because I do not know where she really went that morning and the location of the house seemed way off where her friend would live.
I have also recorded her conversations in her car, on smoke break, with her immature friends at work. (Note: her friends at work are not married, are trashy, and very young.) When her friend asked if we were working things out she said, " i dont know, were kind of talking kind of not. " ... This was after she was fully moved back in and we are getting along great. I've also noticed when she's with her friends her entire personality changes. She curses, uses immature language, laughs loudly, etc.. This behavior bothers me because she was always very mature.
I feel like by asking her about her cell phone and cheating that I blew my cover and she is being extra careful. I have no way of getting into her cellphone because it's password protected. What do you all think of the situation? Do you have any tips about how I can find out more?
@Stomachhurts247,
Based on only one person's description of the situation it doesn't sound like either of you trusts the other.
Are you able to arrange for counselling for both of you - separately and together?
Are you prepared to tell her that you've been tracking her and recording her? if you're going to talk to her honestly about your concerns (and you have to talk and also be honest if you want to try to reset your relationship to a good place) and want her to be honest with you, you're going to have to be honest about the tracking and recording.
If I were your friend in real life, I probably would have told you not to have her return to your home until you'd gone through some counselling.
I would have also warned you off the tracking and recording.
@ehBeth,
@ehBeth
Thanks for the quick reply. I will admit, I do not trust her at all after she moved out for two and a half weeks. She trusts me. She does not question me like she used to.
The tracking is for peace of mind. If she has cheated, is having an affair, or an emotional affair, I really do not want to drag it out. Being her husband, I feel i have the right to know.
@Stomachhurts247,
If she trusted you, she wouldn't be keeping her phone from you.
Talk to her. Let her know that given the recent separation you'd like to talk to a neutral third party and get things back on track.
You'll find out soon enough if she's interested in sticking it out with you.
You have a right to know if she's cheating. That is not the same as having a right to track or record her. Keep in mind that you are going to have to tell her about the tracking and recording. Be prepared for blowback.
Talk to her. Make arrangements to talk to a counsellor on your own if she won't go with you.
____
I actually think that her not questioning you about things the way she used to is not a good sign.
@ehBeth,
Thanks. I think we will need to see a counsellor if her behavior continues.
What would her trust for me have to do with her being secretive with her phone? She doesn't want me to see her using it in fear of backlash? I'm a bit confused there.
Why do you think she would tell her friend at work that we are "aren't working things out", and telling her family that we are? Do some women "extend" the drama for attention?
@Stomachhurts247,
If she trusted you, she'd give you free access to your phone. My partner has all my passwords to everything. He can look at whatever/whenever. I trust him.
The blowback/backlash I'm warning you about is when you tell her about tracking/recording her. If you want/expect her to be honest with you, you are going to have to be honest with her - and that means telling her about the tracking/recording.
I don't know your wife at all but I can tell you that many people say things to others to decrease drama, not to increase it. i.e. her family probably likes you, so it's easiest to say things are fine. her new friends may not like you, so it's easiest to say things aren't fine. In both cases, it leads to less discussion - gets people off her back.
Again, I think counselling is a good idea - individual as well as together. You're both in a place of not trusting the other and that's not easy to get past.
@Stomachhurts247,
Stomachhurts247 wrote:
I think we will need to see a counsellor if her behavior continues.
this sentence alone suggests counselling is needed already
@Stomachhurts247,
Well, if nothing else, she is having an affair WITH her phone. There is something suspicious going on. Ask her out to a romantic dinner, but she has leave her phone at home. If she says no, it's time to move on.
@Stomachhurts247,
Well...judging by the the experience I just had, yes, she is up to something. My ex-boyfriend swore up and down that there was "nothing going on" and I found his cell and looked and the truth was revealed. The other women had no idea he was in a relationship of six years, and one was under the impression that she had found a sure thing by the way he talked. I found out (from her,) that they did have sex, after him "swearing on his mother's grave" that they did not. He was displaying the SAME behaviors as your wife. Holding the phone like it was a lifeline. I can't tell you what to do, but I got rid of him. Funny thing IS....he is now living in the spare room behind the garage of a friends house, and the friend's wife doesn't like him, so I imagine the situation isn't comfortable. But...he has all his little ladies in his cell phone, so life should be grand. (Oh please, I am sorry....take me back.....I didn't know how lucky I was...etc). Pretty pathetic at 52 yrs. old.
I'm confused by some of the replies to your situation. The fact that she locks her phone tells me she doesn't want you to have access to it. That would mean she's hiding something. That just seems to indicate that she doesn't trust that you will be ok with what she's doing on her phone. I get tired of this mentality that there are legitimate reasons for a partner to cheat. There aren't any... Period. If a person can't stay faithful they owe it to their spouse to end the marriage. It doesn't matter if they aren't getting what they think they need from the relationship, there is never a legitimate excuse to step outside marriage. If the marriage isn't working have the guts to end it.
@Stomachhurts247,
If you google "how to know if your spouse is cheating on you," it will list the password locked frequent phone texting scenario. And frankly, when I had an emotional affair that's exactly what I did. I password protected my phone and never let it out of my hands or sight. Once I ended the attachment, I removed the password and left my phone unattended at home. I did tell my husband but that's beside the point. The fact of the matter is that you are being lied to. The increase in affection and love life you are experiencing is because your wife is happier having this affair and her sexual libido is increased due to the other man sexting her. She probably also feels guilty being such a liar and is giving you guilt sex. I'm thinking she probably even moved out knowing she was going to get involved with this person and it made her feel more free and less guilty to be with him during that time. It was convenient for her to blame you because you had not fulfilled your promises. Don't accept any lies or excuses. It's not her girlfriend texting you, I guarantee you!!! I used to show my husband my phone when it was convenient, too. I kept it out of sight so he wouldn't think to ask me. I also turned off the alerts so that he couldn't hear how often I was getting texts. Your way out of this is not to punish your wife nor get angry nor shame her. This is a symptom of you both not taking care of the marriage. I would tell her you are her friend and that you know she's involved with someone else and that if the marriage is to be saved you both need to face this together and honestly. Don't be a fool. When I told my husband and he put his foot down, that saved us. I resented him at first but now I'm so very grateful and we are happier than ever. Wishing you the best!!
@Stomachhurts247,
Hi, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Unless she is texting her friend something she absolutely does not want you to see....I have to say....and I hate to make you feel worse...but this is EXACTLY what I was doing behind my husband's back some time ago. I fell into a something through text with a male friend at a very vulnerable spot in our lives. I should have never allowed it to happen. I cut it off before it was too late, but this behavior sounds exactly like my behavior at that time. I'm sorry to say it :-(
This is a classic textbook case of a spouse cheating on their significant other. Trust me I'm going thru it now. No matter if you confront them or not they will deny it till their blue in the face. Making you believe your the crazy one for making this up because your insecure and jealous. Do you notice anything different like sexy lingerie, taking vacations alone, the way she dresses. These are all sure signs. You don't even need validation after noticing the changes in her behaviour. My husband never had a password on his cell until this past March. I noticed his behavior changed in late February when he came back from a golf trip with the boys ( all divorced or separated). He would take his phone with him every time he would leave the room. Hide it under his pillow. He would show it to me periodically (after he would clear his texts). His phone would ding constantly and he would text back. He started losing weight, bought teeth whitener, bought new underwear, new cologne, new clothes.....and get this.....bought a new corvette....put the down payment...without telling me. My neighbour who is a car salesmen let it slip up in a conversation. I gave him an ultimatum... Bring the car home....and I will have a complete body makeover....Yes fit for tat. He had to tell the neighbour the car deal was off and they didn't speak for a month but they got over it.
@Twistedmind ,
Exactly. I just love the ones that say "You have to talk it out!". You cannot talk or reason with a cheater. Are you keeping him or kicking him to the curb?
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