Is she cheating?

Forums: Relationships, Marriage, Cheating
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My wife and I have been married for two years now, overall we've been together for five and have always had our ups and down. Recently I went away for two weeks for military training. I came home, we had sex and I noticed she was shaved down there, which she doesn't do often, normally just a trim, never clean off. I asked her what that was about and she said her sister had referred her to a razor that wouldn't give her bumps and irritations, which is the reason she doesn't shave often. I think she's only done it like there times at the most in the 5 years that we were together. Anyways rewind a little, before we left we both agreed that we would watch Jurassic world and insidious two together when I came how. That sunday that I had returned she asked me when I wanted to go see Jurassic world. We agreed to go on Tuesday.

Monday came, I got off work and went upstairs, in her purse I saw a diary sticking out. I don't know what came over me, I'm never one to snoop, I have never been into her phone, her email, or her social medial. I started reading it, she had just started writing around the time that I left. In the diary she talked about our problems and how she wants all the arguing to stop. She goes on to writing about how she feels she's failing her kids because she works a lot and doesn't get to be around them as much as she wants, she also added that she doesn't know what she's doing with me and out marriage since we are always arguing and have had problems in the past, then she added that it was nice to get a break from me for these two weeks. So

I continue reading and she has an entry at 1:45 am, she never stays up that late because she has to be up at 5 for work. I started reading it and it said that she had just gotten back from watching Jurassic world and eating at IHOP with a guy from work. So at this point I'm getting a little irritated. She goes on to talk about how great this guy is and how he's always there to listen. I continue reading and she adds that his last day at their job was coming up and that she would miss him. She describes the night and the last sentence said that she dropped him off and then she adds "nothing happened" at this point it's all going through my head, she wrote how bad out marriage was, how nice it was to be away from me, and how awesome this guy was who she hung out with and didn't plan on telling me about it.

A lot of things start rushing into my head, her fresh shaved down there, see through bra and panties that she claimed she got because they were on sale, staying two hours late at work on Saturdays and claiming she didn't finish her notes, all the new tattoos she got without telling me and knowing that I wouldn't be ok with them ( the guy she went out with loves tattoos) immediately i went down stairs and confronted her, she looked me dead in the eye and promised me that she didn't cheat on me. And the diary entry proves it "nothing happened" but then again something could have happened before.

What's bothering me now and leaving me with questions is the "nothing happened" she claims he was just a good friend and nothing would have ever happened, but then why would she feel the need to include those two words. Also if he was just a friend as she claims she wouldn't have hid that from me. Is it possible that she went out with him with the intention of hooking up but when the time came it didn't happen? Are the signs of a cheater just a coincidence? I've talked to her over and over a it this since and she continues to claim she had no intentions of cheating, she's never cheated, and now she just tells me "get over it, I'm not arguing" am I wrong about accusing her based on suspicions and no proof?

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[+3] - chai2 - 07/09/2015I'd like to know what kind of razor was recommended to her. I hate getting bumps.

@Unsure0351,

Don't worry about whether or not she's cheating.

Worry about why you thought it was appropriate to open her diary.

If you think that's ok (it's not), worry about her writing that she thinks your marriage is bad.

Sexual fidelity is nothing in comparison to that. Nothing.

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@ehBeth,

Quote:

Sexual fidelity is nothing in comparison to that. Nothing.

Really EhBeth !? Do you mean to justify adultery?

If someone commits adultery they are doing something very wrong. The fact that they might not be happy with their partner is not an excuse.

Or does the gender of the person committing adultery somehow mattaer?

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@ehBeth,

I'd like to know what kind of razor was recommended to her. I hate getting bumps.

1 Reply

@chai2,

You crack me up.

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@Unsure0351,

I think you should focus on working on your marriage. Whether she cheated or not, there is a problem. It appears she is looking for attention and this man has given it to her - listening to her, etc. It does not mean that she has physically cheated on you.

Talk with her about repairing your marriage and why she is unhappy. Listen to her -- it appears that is what she wants. Take her on a date, give her attention. If need be, see if she wants to work on her marriage, maybe get some counseling. I would think if you are in military training, they might have some sort of help for counseling - you could reach out to them.

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@Linkat,

Quote:

I think you should focus on working on your marriage. Whether she cheated or not, there is a problem. It appears she is looking for attention and this man has given it to her - listening to her, etc. It does not mean that she has physically cheated on you.

Talk with her about repairing your marriage and why she is unhappy. Listen to her -- it appears that is what she wants.

Would you make these suggestions if the genders were reversed?

If a woman suspected her husband of cheating, would you ever suggest that the problem was that she needed to listen to him more and do something to make him happy? If anyone here suggested that a man's unfaithfulness might be caused because his wife isn't treating him well enough, we would all agree that this is ridiculous.

Yet, somehow, when it is a woman who may be committing adultery... telling the husband that he is suffering because he isn't good enough and needs to be a better husband is the knee-jerk response.

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@maxdancona,

Yes - it doesn't matter whether wife or husband - obviously one or both are unhappy... personally I do not think the individual is physically cheating - mentally in sense the wife is at least from what I can tell from what is written.

Since the wife has not confessed to cheating physically, the husband cannot know for sure, or if the roles were reversed the wife could not know.

If this couple wants to stay together, they would need to find out what is bothering the other and try to work on it. It is a matter of who is right or wrong - but how do you fix the marriage. Assuming of course, that both would like to fix the marriage.

I am just trying to read between the lines - and it sounds like to me (from what I can gather on what is stated here) - the wife sounds like she is lacking attention - ie. this man is listening to her -- she is getting attention from this man and filling a void she feels is missing. Sounds like husband may be busy with his military career and she feels lonely. Maybe simply talking and seeing both sides could help. The husband did not speak of being unhappy but it is obvious the wife is by her actions.

Again this is simply trying to read between the lines -- best for the two of them to talk it out and see if they can resolve what is causing the unhappiness.

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@Linkat,

Linkat, how would you feel if your husband were "getting attention" from another woman. What if this other woman was "filling a void your husband feels is missing"? If this were happening to you, how much time would you spend worrying about how you might be making your husband unhappy to cause his behavior?

This husband may want to fix the marriage... but if it is the woman who is cheating, then it is the woman, and the woman alone, who is responsible.

If it were the man who was cheating (either physically or emotionally) then I would say he is responsible.

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

Either way - at least one of them is upset.

This case, the husband is asking - so I gave a suggestion for how the husband can approach the situation. If the wife were asking I would give at least a similar response.

Instead I will change the wording so it is not anything to do with man or woman (so can be used in same-sex marriages as well).

Your spouse appears unhappy - your spouse is speaking with someone else becauase they need someone to listen to them. Maybe you should speak with your spouse and see why they are unhappy and how you can work together to make things right.

My suggestion wasn't such as one person is right or wrong - my suggestion was such that to start a conversation to work on their marriage.

If this were happening to me, I would talk with my husband and ask why are you unhappy I thought we were happy (assuming I was happy) - what is going on? And then try to work on it - both of us. I think I was taking the approach that the wife was talking with this man because she wanted someone to listen to her not to sleep with. If this were the case, I'd be pissed he didn't talk with me about being unhappy first, which I would know if roles were reversed he would be damn pissed I didn't speak with him first too. But then after initially getting angry we would talk it out - it depends on how much you value your marriage and how much you care about your spouse.

You are also assuming the woman is cheating - she said she wasn't. There is no way to know for sure unless husband saw them together. Simply talking with someone that is listening is not cheating -

I certainly do not condone cheating among couples - but we don't know if she is.

I guess the question for the husband is - do you trust your wife? Do you think she would lie? The husband would know more than us.

If she were cheating, would you still want to work on your marriage? Are you more concerned about the potential cheating or on you together as a couple?

1 Reply

@Linkat,

I think what I am getting at is you can choice to play the blame game, or you can do something to solve the situation. That is if you want to solve the situation and keep your marriage. What is more important to you?

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@Linkat,

Great synthesis.

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@Linkat,

My former spouse felt I was being unreasonable when I blamed her for choosing to sleep with our neighbor because reasons.... After playing the "we are both equally responsible for one of us cheating" game for a while, I realized it was bullshit.

Sometimes ending a marriage is the best way to "solve the situation".

If a marriage is to be saved, the person admitting that they cheated and taking responsibility for their own actions rather that blaming their spouse is an important first step.

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

I agree sometimes ending the relationship is best - but from what I read here I am assuming he doesn't want to end it. He is staying with her at least for now. So instead of keep accusing her of what she denies, if he wants the marriage to last, it would be best to discuss what is bothering her.

I do not condone the way she is handling her unhappiness - going out to dinner and talking with another man that will listen to her - but if this husband wants their marriage to work even if his wife is in a sense in the wrong for not talking with him first - wouldn't you think it would be better if he takes the first step and ask her why she is unhappy? Ask her if she wants to help make the marriage better?

Someone needs to make the first step else this is going to end in a disaster any way.

This isn't about blame - this is about repairing something that is not working. Again asssuming she is not cheating and they both want to work on the marriage. Now if she doesn't want to work on the marriage better to find out now than keep dragging this out - either way you gotta kinda talk to each other to find out.

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@Unsure0351,

Going through the same type of thing. Not sure if there is private message on here but if you want to talk to someone (text) I'd be happy to exchange stories and give tips

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Ok I get that it was wrong to read the diary but if I had not, I never would have known how she really felt. The whole reason we argue is because after my last deployment which ended early last year, she has made no effort to physically touch me. Of course feeling unwanted I've made no attempts at doing anything for her either. When I attempt to talk to her about this, she just ends up getting mad and screams, so nothing gets resolved, I end up getting mad and I leave the room. Following day I still have questions. And that's basically what all our arguing has been about this year. Sometimes she jumps to the conclusion that I only want her for sex, which isn't the case, we have sex maybe 3-5 times a month if I'm lucky. If I just wanted sex I would find someone on the side, but I refuse to do that. What I want is to fix our problems, whatever they may be and be a happy couple. When the arguing first started she suggested that we go to counseling, which I wasn't willing to agree to at the time. I felt whatever was wrong, she could tell me and we could act like mature adults and work out those problems. To this day I'm still not sure why she won't physically touch me. I ask her what she wants to do to solve this and she says she doesn't know, I ask her what I can do and she again says she doesn't know. This whole situation with the other guy just left me jealous and hurt because I feel she should be working things out with me and doing those things with me before confiding and basically going out with another guy. At this point I am very open to counseling, but I don't know how far that will get us. All I ask for to be happy is that she show me some affection, treat me like a husband and go back to being my best friend like we used to be. All she's asked for so far is that I quit starting arguments. I'm sorry if this is poorly written, I'm writing in a rush while at work.

1 Reply

@Unsure0351,

Unsure0351 wrote:

When the arguing first started she suggested that we go to counseling, which I wasn't willing to agree to at the time.

have you told her you are willing to work with a counsellor now?

____

edit - sorry, saw that you're open to counselling now.

Please work on setting that up with her if you both still want to go forward with the relationship.

0 Replies

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