I CHEATED on my boyfriend and HE KNOWS!

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PLEASE READ!!!! Any feedback is appreciated!
So my boyfriend and I had been together for about 3 years and 6 months. I had this really good friend that I would talk to everyday. He also had a girlfriend. At first we would only talk about our relationships but then he started trying to talk more about him and I. For the most part I always tried to push it aside. Because he was a good friend and I felt like I could always count on him for advice. I didn't want to lose that. One day he was going to accompany me on some errands that I had to run while my boyfriend was at work. When he got to my house, where we were going to leave from, we ended up watching a movie. He kissed me and I did push away at first but then I ended up giving in. We DID NOT have sex! But I did give him oral. My boyfriend came home from work early and found me and the guy naked. He broke down! He was so upset and hurt. When my boyfriend caught the guy and I, he was really frantic and he was yelling a lot he demanded for the guy to leave, so he did. Later that day the guy messaged me asking if I was okay. He wanted to make sure that my boyfriend didn't hit me or anything. I didn't want him to have that on his conscience so I responded and told him I was fine. He asked a few questions & I had answered them. But I haven't spoke to him since. When My boyfriend and I talked about everything I told him almost everything that had happened. Except for the fact that I gave the guy oral. My boyfriend ended up wanting to have sex with me that night, it was like him finding me naked with someone else turned him on. He told me that he forgave me and I was beyond greatfull because after everything had happened I immediately regretted what I had done and I realized my actions were so stupid and I should have never let things go that far! My boyfriend made me promise that I had told him everything and I did promise. But as you know I didn't tell him everything. He urged me to make sure that there wasn't anything I wasn't telling him. He also said "tell me now, or forever hold your peace. If I find out anything more then I will never forgive you." He also asked me never to speak to the guy again. I agreed. But as you know I had just wanted to respond to him just to let him know that I was fine. And since then we have not spoken and I have blocked him on ALL my social media accounts. Now that all that has happened my boyfriend and I are still together, it has been 4 months and things seem to be going great. We are more open with each other and I feel like we have jumped over every obstacle. He treats me really well! Recently he joined the military. Obviously, his new job requires a lot of travel and he wants me to go with him. But in order for me to go with him we would have to get married, so he has asked me to marry him. I really love him and I have realized that I don't want to live a life without him. I thank god everyday for blessing me with such a good man. But I am feeling really guilty about not telling him that one piece of information. I fear that if I don't tell him it might eat me alive but if I do tell him I will lose him forever. He has already put up with so much because of me! I know that I will never let this happen again and I regret everyday! I don't know what to do. I am stuck at a crossroads. Please help.

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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 6,005 • Replies: 43

@HopelesslyStupid,

Did he hit you when he found you with the other guy? You kind of glossed over that.

Never mind if you think you deserved it. Violence isn't deserved somehow.

But I will go with it being a poorly-worded post and not violence.

I think you are going to have to come clean with your boyfriend at some point or another, as I think it'll eat you up.

You will need to do this in private, in a non-rushed and unemotional environment and manner. This is not you screaming during a fight, or confessing under duress. This is you calmly saying to him, "We have to talk. I want there to be no secrets between us when we get married. I have one and I want to tell you. I am so sorry I didn't tell you before, but I was afraid I would lose you. I realize that I might lose you now, but I think it's important for you to know the truth."

Then he will undoubtedly ask what it is (and he might get emotional. Here is where you really need to keep calm). "It was months ago, when I had that short fling with __. You asked me if I had told you everything. Well, I hadn't. I gave him oral. We did not sleep together. That is the only thing I have not told you before, and I regret not telling you until now. I did this not to protect him in any way, as he means nothing to me. It was only because I was afraid of losing you. I deeply regret this."

Be prepared for the possibility of him calling this a dealbreaker, by the way, but I think people should know all the facts before they make such a commitment. Plus I feel you will be consumed with guilt if you continue to hold the secret.

I had to really think about this. I know there are people who are going to tell you that no good can come of this, but it is a pretty major issue and, like I said, I think you need to get it out there now and let the chips fall where they may.

1 Reply

What good will it do to tell him?

Why do you feel you need to unload this info upon him?

He has moved on, so should you.

(I really think that you DON'T want to get married and this is a sabotaging roadblock that you can use to stop it. Be honest.Nice guy,but MARRIAGE and a military-wife life??!!)

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@HopelesslyStupid,

maybe you should talk to psychologist or something instead. I feel one bad advice here might ruin much...

All I can tell that this kind of guys (military and so on) usually stick to their word and what they say they mean...

1 Reply

@jespah,

Hi @jespah, no he did not hit me & he never has.
Thank you so much for your advice. This is the only place I have told my story. It feels really good to have gotten some advice, finally!
But for some reason I still feel unsure because I really don't even want to risk losing him.
Today I got a letter in the mail from him that says :
I love you and forgive you, truth is you bring out the best of me. That's why I am with you and continue to fight for us. You make me a better man.
So after I get back home, we will be able to go everywhere together. It will be a fresh start. I won't forget the past but I do forgive you for it. But before I truly forgive you, you must come clean with answers to all the questions you think I might ask. So that way I have no more questions or doubts about anything, okay?
I want you to write it down and hold on to it until I come home. I believe if you write it down maybe it will be easier than saying it face to face.
I honestly feel like we will be stronger than ever. I can't wait to see you.

That is all he said. What do you think I should do?

3 Replies

@PUNKEY,

Hi @PUNKEY it will only help me get rid of this guilt. I think about it all the time. I have read that you must hold on to guilt to prevent yourself from making your mistakes again. And I agree. But it would just make me feel better for him to know.

I know I should move on. But I feel like we are going to make a big change in our lives together & he should know the complete truth before he makes his big decision.

This happened before he joined the military. So I had no means to sabotage anything. It was just a mistake

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@Vernon of Prague,

@Vernon of Prague
I don't really feel comfortable talking to anyone face to face. I feel really ashamed for what I did.
But I understand what you are saying.

That is more often than not true. & is a big reason why I am scared to tell him the truth.

1 Reply

@HopelesslyStupid,

I'm still an advocate of telling him but I know Punkey disagrees and she has her own legit reasons.

Kinda hard to say what to do but it seems as if he's offering you one last opportunity to clear the air.

1 Reply

He wants you to put this entire "event" in writing? Really, this is starting to creep me out.

To put all the details in a written report is not only foolish, it is dangerous. Just who is going to be responsible for this "document" in the future?

Look - you cheated, asked for forgiveness, he forgave, and he still wants to marry you. That should be good enough. It does not matter if it was a tiny kiss or a full blown love making - it is over and in the past.

Forgive yourself for your foolish and impulsive act. Hold your head up high and demand that your husband-to-be accept you for what you are today.

PS - ask for a complete written "report" on all his past indiscretions, too.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Thanks for all the advice I am going to have a lot of thinking to do in the weeks to come.
I am going to make a pros and cons list to better help me with my decision.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Thank you for all of your advice. I am going to have a lot of thinking to do. I will keep you all updated with what I decide to do, and how it all works out.

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Unfortunately, reasonable minds can differ about this.

Best of luck to you.

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@HopelesslyStupid,

I'm a great believer in truth being told in the right circumstances.

What good can this do by you telling him the nitty gritty. You did not have sex. You are not married. You made a mistake that many a person does, it shines a light as well that the person that they are with, is the one they want to spend the rest of their life with in the aftermath.

Life is about lessons learnt. If you were married I would state tell him, you are not and he already caught you so he already knows that you were naked with another person. What is eating him is that he is living in hope that this man did not have sexual intercourse with you and whilst you told him he didn't, he is still mentally visualising that you did. Naturally, this is eating at him.

Obviously you are not good at verbal communication he feels that written is more you, you can express more.

"I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH THAT MAN"

I love you, the end.

Is what I would write Smile

To move forward is to leave the past where it is.

1 Reply

Your boyfriend this, your boyfriend that..
Did your boyfriend somehow own you? Had you made vows of some sort? Were you engaged? I am not clear that this was any of his business. He's going to move, so you have to marry? You are sure this is the guy you want to be with for the rest of your entire life?

1 Reply

@HopelesslyStupid,

Quote:

I don't really feel comfortable talking to anyone face to face. I feel really ashamed for what I did.
But I understand what you are saying.

That is more often than not true. & is a big reason why I am scared to tell him the truth.

if I understand correctly, you have a several years relationship, you love this guy and maybe want to grow older with him. You did something that could possibly ruin the whole life you have today and so you are seeking for answer. But instead of talking to competent person, who might actually help you you prefer to speak to random strangers over the internet, from whom half has little to no experience over the subject and some of them are even intentionally harmful. (Just read some users here). But you prefer them over person trained to do so because of "shame".

...logic...

I would tell by now that this is one of the most common sins in the world and I am perfectly sure relationship adviser would not make you feel any bad if not relieved you from your burden but I doubt you'll listen.

So instead of that I wish you good luck and may your mind be free...

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Personally, I think when the boyfriend found her and her friend naked together, he figured out something was going somewhere, whether he acknowledges it or not.

Self ignorance and denial that 2 people managed to get all the way naked without something having happened during the process is a coping mechanism.

1 Reply

@FOUND SOUL,

So you don't think I should tell him?
I completely understand what you are saying. But my dilemma is, if I don't tell him the truth and he somehow finds out the truth more along the road then what am I going to do then?

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

I am 100% sure that he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I really wholeheartedly regret the decision I made to let things with this guy go so far. I understand that we have nothing legally binding us. But don't you think it's his right to know what happened before he decides that he wants to spend his life with me?
What will I do if he finds out I wasn't truthful?

0 Replies

@chai2,

I completely agree.
& honestly I don't think it would have. But then I would have never imagined that I would be in the position I am in right now.
I am just seeking general advice. . I don't know what else to say. I am going to visit him within the next 4 weeks and I am just soooo confused. He has more important things to be worrying about right now. But I feel like I need to come clean. The problem is we will have no alone time & I really don't think it's the right place to tell him.

I just don't want him to actually propose without knowing the truth.

2 Replies

Do not tell him about the oral, marry him if you want to, and if so look in the future for opportunity to have a threesome.

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I CHEATED on my boyfriend and HE KNOWS!

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