I may die I want to die but dont know what to do

Hi, LS.

I hope you are able somehow to forbid that guy visiting you.
Good news about the palliative care appointment.

I am speachless

I like to think I have that affect on a lot of men.

I do feel for your situation and we feel just as powerless to help you as you must feel to help yourself. I'm just not sure what the reason was for starting this thread. Perhaps it's a little controversial of a topic? I'm not a very subtle poster on this forum. I figure if you are coming here to get a response, I'm going to give you both barrels if that is how I see it.

This is the way I view life in general. We all have a one way ticket and ultimately must face our mortality. I just think what do we have to lose by exhausting all possibilities to their ends if you are put into a position where your current mortality is coming in fast. What do you have to lose by trying? If you are going to die anyways why not try to cheat death one more time? Prove to the universe that even when given a shitty hand you can keep your poker face and give it a run for it's money.

I am glad you wrote this message - I understand what you are saying but Ive been at this for sixteen years - when can I say enough is enough - what makes you think I havent already given it both barrels - years ago. Everlasting pain wears you down and after a year or two you have had enough - I know you do not understand - its not even something you can imagin - its like trying to explain colour to someone thats been blind there entire life. Its not possible.

I posted on this forum because its the first one i found and Im dealing with this alone - I have no one to talk to - no one to help me when im on the floor spewing up blood - theres no one here when Im in so much pain I cant move and If I try I vomit and pass out - both of which I do often and have done for years - im alone - mostly because no one can handle seeing me that way so they stay away (I asked once - my sister told me that - I was told That would happen - I do not blame them at all) - so I though I could at least talk about it to some real live people who might talk back - and maybe find a small amount of comfort - thats all. I dont want to know why you though I posted - i can imagine - so I understand you better but its not what I need right now :-)

Now there's (seemingly) a classic Freudian slip. And I totally agree with it.

HI Everyone - I just wanted to let you all know that things arn't going all that well - Im now 40kg (i have lost 8kg in the last 2 days) and I am very weak - even though I've been doing all that I and the hospital and the doctors can do keep it on, and even though i stopped vomiting every morning for the first time in years (which is just heavenly) i'm still losing the battle (and despite what some people might think I have been fighting to keep my weight up - i have never just given up but I will very very soon not be able to move at all under my own steam and its becoming to painful to try which means I will no longer be able to post my problems for you to give me support :-) (you can all breath a sigh of relief - lol) I will be thinking of all of you as time goes by and I guess its lucky I get to go to paliative care on Tuesday instead of 2.5 weeks.

Its sort of farewell, maybe, but I have arranged for my final message (IF NEEDED) which Ive already written to be posted when or IF its time to do so. That way you wont have to wonder what ever happened to that guy on the net.

I will try my best to look back in a day or two - so if anyone wants to say anything now would be your last chance - while im still able to see what you type

I dont know any of you but I feel as though I do and I will miss you all. The kindness you have show me is real and You should take comfort in the fact that all of your kind and thoughtful words saved my sanity in this last week - I have even laughed out loud and I havent laughed for years so I cant express how much help and comfort you have all been. Thank you is not enough but its all I have to give. So THANK YOU.

My name is Peter Courto and I want to say a big thanks to you and to everyone that has supported me - -it has meant a lot. Whenever you here the song "if you could read my Mind" which will probably be never you can think of the guy you talked to on the net for a while :-)

Until I get Better you see my last post - Farewell for now.

There is always the chance that I make the operation date in 5 to 6 weeks (its slim but its there)- if that happens and they can either stop the spewing or the pain (I dont think they can stop the spewing as i already take the best drug they have but I know they can control my pain much better than they do) I will have the operation - but Whatever happens - I will try my best to let you all know.

My favourite quote - from Thumper "If you can't say something nice don't say nothing at all"

pps LIFE - I hope God gives refunds cause I think I broke mine. lol

love and Hugs
peter
(forgive the spelling its taken me a long time to do this -- I'm sorry if it was the wrong thing to do to put all this online - I didnt see any harm in it -- originally I needed help with a specific question and I just kept going -- I cant change what Ive done)

I'm shocked that there isn't more involvement from your family..parents, etc.

Some people are not courageous enough to face their fears of mortality when they are around someone who is suffering. Also to be constantly reminded that your loved one is dying is a constant drain on the emotions.. It is not easy to be a support when you can't support yourself.

It is unfortunate.

Sorry..not meant to be rude or nasty...but this comment was specifically directed to Lifesux. That is why I used Reply to Lifesux and Not Reply to All. Also, I'm interested in his words and feelings about what is going on with the (lack of) his family support.

Peter, thank you for the message. I hope it is not your last, but if it is, know that you have affected some of us too, with your truthful comments.

My name is Jo. I'm an "older woman". It has been good to talk.
I will keep checking to see if you post.

Hang in there, Peter.

Just from this post, Peter, it is apparent you are a special and very strong person. I honestly wish some of us were closer to you that we could be there in personal for some face to face support. I would like to say you touched me with your words.