I may die I want to die but dont know what to do

I'm in Australia too, and I know what you mean about Tassie being a bit slow.

I don't really have anything to say that hasn't already been said, just want to wish you comfort and peace with whatever happens.

thanks you again ossobuco - it not a joke when I say I will die listening to this song. it will help alot to keep my ind peaceful right up til the end.
i'm sorry if i sound blunt - i have just accepted what happening - thats all - you all must think im so stupid not knowing youtube had songs on it?? i certainley feel a bit like a dick. oh well on for the road . l ol

Here's another Gordon Lightfoot song.

This might be insensitive to you but I have a few questions.

If you were to stop taking your medications (I understand your pain would return) but would your physical situation return? The ability to digest solid food? Or was it a one way road, the damage has been done there is no recovery?

I don't have and never really have had a problem with chronic pain so I can't really imagine what you are going through or what it would be like. I have had bouts of pain but I always just work through it and never bother to take anything that would mask the pain.

I could give you a hypothetical if I were in your place but it might be a little naive since I don't fully understand your position. If you were to stop taking the medication wouldn't the nerves eventually get canceled out? What I mean is wouldn't you eventually become neutral to the pain? Why would the pain always be active all the time constantly? I guess this is a foreign concept to me because I have never experienced pain that didn't ever subside.

So rather than kill myself I would rather take a reversal approach. Stop taking the pain killer medication. Slowly work my way back to being able to consume solid food. And find an alternative way of dealing with the chronic pain that isn't as evasive. There must be a way to solve the problem without creating a new one in the process.

youu are rtight that is nieve - im sorry but you do not jhave any concept of pain at a level of 4 out of 10 that never goes away - it only goes up then after interrvention does it drop to 4 again at 8.5 out of 10 I cannot understand language at 9 or above I cannot understand anything - the only - ONE _ lonely thought is PAIN. To give you some idea of what i would do to lesson the pain they used to give me sub-dermal injections (experimental) -These needle take one minute to give and cause such intense pain that it shuts the nervous system down for up to a day - i usde to have 2 of these at once but the more you do it the less it works and now docotors have decided its torture and will not do it. the pain never goes away - you never get used to it - you learn to cope but it doe not leave ever. You cannot understand what it like unless u go though it - there are 7 ish stages of pain you go through over the years when in cronic pain (most people only experience the first stages of pain in there lifetime and there are many level of cronic pain unfortunately i'm quite high.) I wish you could understand but im really glad and you should be too that you do not. keep it that way. iTS A TRUE LIVIBG HELL . i CAN TELL YOU NOW THAT YOU WOULD NOT GO OFF YOUR PAIN MEDS . FULL N PAIN WITHOUT HEAVY MEDICATION WILL GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK. and most people and my heart is already part paralised but is almost twice the size of yours so it solders on. You would be amazed at the amout of pain your body can feel before you [pass out - If you have not passed out from pain then you do not know what pain is. Be thankful. Although its been the narcotics according to the doctors that has buggered my stomach i know that marfans syndrome also buggers the stomach and everything else. But the doctors in this country know very little about it and many have refused to treat me. If I stop taking the methadone my stomach will not improve - the damage whatever caused it is done :-) Sorry if I sounded a bit horrible bu i get these questions from people all the time. Cronic large level pain is something that stands alone - there is nothing like it. Pain changes over the years. Ill just say it again - you would NOT stop taking the pain medication - if you think you could you have not experienced pain as it can be (nor should you - it takes many many years of constant pain to understand) try to imagin (and this doesnt come closeA) stabbing yourself in both legs once a day with a folk. how many day do you think you could do that for? with cronic pain you dont have a choice that folk is going in weather you like it or not. -- I have pain in my knees (they can also turn in any direction)my hips - the bottom of my back the middle of my back where the shoulder blades continually hit and push agianst my spine. my neck (my head fall off and the back of my head literally touches my nipple) and shoulders. the pain is worse than starving - the pain is worse than anything. I would swollow broken glass if it would help. I attended the pain management unit for 14 years before the dismissed me stating they could no longer help -
I hope this help you understand a bit better whats going on.

I'm sorry that reply was a bit nasty - im sorry

Not just a little naive.

Next time don't press SEND

Back to you, LS.

I have been trying to connect - I almost do - to this phrasing of your memory -

"something something something. and i like longer - i thing its called - stuff like that"

I was first thinking Beatles, or Yakety Yaketk.

I still haven't nabbed it.


Let us know with any more musical memory thoughts, even if not complete.


We love you.

im sorry i nedd to stop now ill will be backs soon

do you think im killing myself by not having a feeding tube placed through my stomach wall down to the small intestine. also how old are you if i can ask - its ok i wont growl at you - i want to know your opinion and im sorry for the harsh response -- you have to remember im really pushing myself to continue to write on this site - it a big strain and efffort but its all i have and it has been giving me comfort - do not think i think so little about life. i do not make this decision lightly

Be Krumple free.

My own hope - is that you make it to palliative care, for the care.

Hi seem im always saying sorry - or thank you - a little lol. thanks ossobuco i hope - well i wish i was therer now but not long to go - i iwll do the music when i can - it great - i foun some myself but its hard - i found the song longer by someone - i cant reemember haha . i just want people to know im not a woosey - i Violently vomit every morning and a lot of my nerves a buggerred so my skin is painful most of the time - the skin on my back feel like someone has peeled it of and just went opps and layed it back down -so it just sit there - thats what if feels like - even cloths hurt to wear -t here is still a lot i havent said - some of the more grusome stuff i will leav out but believe me when i say things are not good, but something i thought i had put to rest was the question ----- do anyone think i'm killing myself byy not having th eoperattion (its still at least 8 weeks away so the decision is probably irrelivant but i need to have it straight in my head.) i kow where ragman? stands and i thank you - but what do you and other think honestly - tell me honestly - i feel like im playing with my soul sometimes :-) but i truely dont know how i culd keep going - -if ii had beetter drug i might change my mind but it been my experience that doctors are dubiouss about relieving you of all pain. and that scars me a lot. ive not done this dying thing before - but its surprisingly ok - actually it not a surprise - sometime i think i might be to quick to jump at the chance to die. i dont know - its so hard

I won't simplify to say I understand your pain, that's ridiculous, I don't begin to understand but I can guess, hugely.

What I like is that you can talk real here, when you can.

I haven't looked back on what Ragman said, but he has had his own dealing and his words are worth listening to.



On someone thinking you are wanting to kill yourself, no, that is not what we understand you as saying.

thank you for that - would you be able to try to find the same song as before (if you coulod read my mind by whatsy lightfoot?? but just thje music - i would love to have another versions with just the music - no voice - the strings and guitar are just beautiful. The song itself is stunning in my book :-)

I was rereading you questions and I forgot to tell you that your body is an amazing Thing. I have had many nerves in my spine cut to alleviate some of the pain but once the brain realizes the pain message is not getting through it either re joins the nerve endings if they are close enough or it takes over the function of a near y nerves to send the pain signal or it grows an entirely new nerve very quickly. I have had so many nerves cut that believe it or not my body over the last 16 years has replaced almost my entire nervous system - the doctors know this because they have watched it and continue to do so - Because of marfans syndrome I have also grown an entire third set of teeth and have far more bones and ligaments than you do enabling my joints to turn in any direction. I will soon be running out of pills if I keep taking them the way I have been over the last day and a half so I have to stop now. I will always return but from now on my questions or answers are only going to be one or two words as ill be doing it off my mobile which will be hard to see:-) also without taking a lot of medication I can barely move. so no more long explanations _ im pritty sure you have all herd enough by now:-)

Good afternoon from New Mexico, a southwestern state in the US.

I'm working on a list for you to chose from, have four links so far. I'll post them in a bit.

I've found a few renditions that are instrumentals - all "covers", not done by Gordon Lightfoot.

Here's the first four:













I'll be glad to look for more choices if you'd like.

Hello -thanks so much for the music i wil get them - i kow i will love em - its appreciated. I have just go back home from hosppital - cause i had to call a ambulance hte other night - thtey kept me for as long as they could but im home now. good news - they go tmy paliative care appoiontment move up to tuesday - only a couple of day away - thats really good. I also got a visit from th epriest when i was in hospital i dont know what he thought he knew about me but he knew some stuff - he just came up ti me in bed and sasid it was tantamount to suicide if i do not have the j peg put in and that as the drugs are affecting my body in a negative way i should stop them aswell and placee my faith in god. I pointed out that if i stop the pain meds i will have organ failure -without question - but he was not interested n that - he really only focused on the fact tht i was gay- and i must turen away from evil and the temptations of the devil - blah blah blah. HE was horrible and just horiibe - it always take me a few days to get iover someone like that - i wish people like him would just no speak to me. (i am not refering to poor old krumple??? who is someone who is oly lacking experience (- i recon hes abou 20 - ic ould be wrong - but i remember i though i knew everything and hads experienced everything when i was in my early 20's . lol oh my- if only we knew baack then! (i did feel bad for jumping on youi krumple if you are out there)
thank you ozobucco again for the effort you are going to and im looking forward tot the others..
i'm a bit tired and need to rest now a while now - i wil be back to gwt my sonsg though and to say hello

I read your reply to me a few days ago but at the time, I didn't have the time to respond then but I do remember some of the things you asked me and stuff you said. I'll try to reply to what I remember.

You asked my age. Odd question really because it hints at assuming I'm young because of my statements? Well I'm 38 so not sure what that will tell you. You can think I am naive but that wasn't why I asked about reversing your treatment.

I am in the medical field. I wanted to be a doctor in fact. I completed a little over a quarter of my schooling but discovered I really wasn't as passionate about the career choice as I felt at the beginning. Probably due to parents wanting me to since they were both in the industry.

I remember one of my instructors had said to me once. There are two types of doctors and two types of patients. The first kind of doctor is all about doing what ever they can to improve the condition of their patients. The second kind of doctor is only concerned about collecting a paycheck and does the bare minimum to help their patients.

The first kind of patient is one who is all about trying to get well. They will do what ever it takes and put in what ever effort is necessary to recover from any illness regardless of the prognosis. The second type of patient is one who wants to just get by with the least amount of effort with the quickest possible result and cares nothing about the treatment as long as they get quick immediate results.

My instructor asked me which case would be the worst case scenario. My answer was to be patient B who got connected with doctor B. And her reply was this situation is the most common scenarios currently in the medical field.