Reply
Mon 5 Jul, 2004 10:41 pm
hi, first time here.. feels weird here i am 40 and still haven't a clue about relationships.. my marriage of 16 years is over and has been for a while.. i am lucky enough to have my kids 5 nights a week. but that leaves little time for any kind of dateing.. so i went online in jan.. chatted with a couple guys for a while.. one really stood out above the rest.. we started with a friendship and soon developed deep feelings for each other... we immed for about 8 weeks for 3-4 hours a night and again in the morning.. we were each others world at that point.. he asked me if i would meet him on valentines day and i said yes.. we were both so worried we would loose what we had started online, he said i made him feel like the man he always new he could be.. and that he didn't know what he did to deserve someone like me in his life..and that we had a lifetime to work it all out..so we met and had a 37 hour first date. because we live about an hour and a half away from each other.. so he stayed over.. nothing happend.. we seemed to click immediatly ,we talked and laughed held hands had fun together .. i followed him back to his house and we had a nice time together.. i went back in a few days.. all seemed fine for a couple of weeks. he still immed me every night and morning..we got together a couple of other times.. then he started saying that he needed a more everyday type of situation.. that the distance thing is to hard... that he can't just pop in and say hi when he wants to.. and that he can't kiss me good morning....later said he needs to find someone close to him... this was all about 4 months ago.. he still keeps in touch some.. not like before... he is seeing someone now.. but says it is not serious and he is in no rush and taking his time.. he is still in the middle of a nasty divorce.. i have never had a connection with another person like i have with him.. i feel in my heart that we are ment for each other.. he said when things get to close to soon he gets uncomfortable and feels the need to run..his wife left him for another man...don;t know what else to say ..what should i do? li love this man more than i thought possible... and i felt how he felt for me! now it is gone and i feel empty... i can't help but think when the divorce is finale he will be more ready for a real relationship and bnot feel the need to run..unless he want's to run into my arms!lol!!!!
Try to forget as much as you can ..... i know it is not easy .... but you have to try .....
Flashphoto--
Was your husband also a bit of a self-centered bully?
Rule of thumb: Recovery from a divorce takes about two years. You may be ready for a relationship, but this guy is not. You can't force the opening of a rosebud or the hatching of an egg.
Start practicing personhood--face to face personhood. Find a group that interests you (besides one geared to meeting and mating) and start attending meetings. Volunteer for some good works. Think about taking a course in the fall.
Make yourself irresistable.
Good luck.
Your cyberhero is going through a "transitional relationship" with you. Goodness girl, he isn't even divorced yet. Cut your losses, and run like the wind from him.. This guy will only give you grief. He is not ready for a long term relationship at this time.
Phoenix said it all, and is absolutely right!
DITTO! Run for your life!
Yep, I'm with the others - the fellow is still in the middle of his divorce and is busy rebounding.
So - go out and be happy. Surely you can have a moment without your children during the week, perhaps they can go to an activity and you can go to an activity of your own? I'm not talking about dumping your kids or every night or anything like that. What I am saying is, you can probably find something like swimming lessons, a youth group or the like for them, perhaps for an hour or two, and, at the same time, you can do something for yourself, like take a class, work out, go to a show (it'll have to be something short, but that can be swung if you look hard enough), visit a museum, etc.
Just one night a week, make it everyone's night out. Everyone gets to go to some sort of activity. It need not be super-expensive. The Y has inexpensive swimming lessons. Libraries have story hour. Museums offer discounts if you buy a membership. If you meet someone, great. If you don't, that's also okay. Like Noddy said above, you're making yourself irresistable.
And, continue with the personals, but this time expand your horizons a bit and, might I suggest, don't commit yourself to one respondent at a time. Instead, play the field a bit. IM and email with a lot of guys, not just one. If you have choices, you'll be less likely to settle on someone who isn't right for you and, if some of these online connections don't work out, it won't bother you so much.
WOW, THANK YOU ALL.. I DON'T HAVE A GROUP OF FRIENDS WHO I CAN TALK TO ABOUT THIS.. AND THE ONES I HAVE ARE PROBABLY SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT.. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GO OUT WITH OTHERS.. OR JUST GO OUT... MET TO GUYS FROM ONLINE IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS.. BOTH WERE LOOKING FOR ONE THING.. AND NOT GOING TO GET IT FROM ME.. AT LEAST NOT ON THE FIRST MEETING!!! SO THEY ARE GONE... (GOOD) ...NO THIS MAN WAS TOTALY DIFFERENT THAN MY EX..THAT WAS THE ATTRACTION.. HE SHOWED ME SO MUCH AFFECTION AND CARING..OPENED UP TO ME EMOTIONALY.. WAS FUN! AND FUNNY!! UTTERLY CHARMING!!....
Re: connection online and off then what??
FLASHPHOTO wrote:... then he started saying that he needed a more everyday type of situation.. he is seeing someone now.. but says it is not serious and he is in no rush and taking his time.. he is still in the middle of a nasty divorce.. i have never had a connection with another person like i have with him.. i feel in my heart that we are ment for each other.. he said when things get to close to soon he gets uncomfortable and feels the need to run.. what should i do? li love this man more than i thought possible... and i felt how he felt for me! now it is gone and i feel empty...
Hi Flashphoto:
You and your male friend are not meant to be together. The two of you filled a need that each of you had for "excitement" and "attention" for a few months, but now he is moving on--and so should you.
He's going through a divorce, he met someone new, and he is pulling away from you by making lame excuses.
Don't place yourself in a heart-wrenching drama where you play the part of "Daisy Mae" chasing after the ever-elusive "Li'l Abner." He's running away from your love-hungry arms and you're chasing a fantasy. Even if you catch him and he's forced to accompany you to the Sadie Hawkins Dance--his eyes will be focused on the exit signs as he plots his next mad dash away from you.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to quit pining away for an emotionally unavailable man in hopes that someday he will race into your arms. It's not going to happen.
YOU deserve better. DEMAND better for yourself. Be a strong, independent woman who is sure of herself and what she wants in life. Once you figure out that YOU are an amazing catch, turn the tables, and become the pursued rather than the pursuer, you'll find that you have far more desirable choices in life.
Debra
Phoenix32890 wrote:Your cyberhero is going through a "transitional relationship" with you. Goodness girl, he isn't even divorced yet. Cut your losses, and run like the wind from him.. This guy will only give you grief. He is not ready for a long term relationship at this time.
I would add that, as a male, i have observed a type of man who uses precisely this language, as he works his way through a series of ego-boosting relationships, which were never intended to be permanent. I have heard far to many men who brag about their ability to manipulate women in this manner. Although that may not be the case with your friend, i would advise being wary. Do you know the reason for his divorce, other than what he has told you? (As in, have you heard the other side of the story?) I am always saddened to see how quickly women will establishe relationships with men who are, in my opinion and in archaic language, thorough cads. Once again, i don't know this man, and cannot judge--but the advice here is first-rate. Don't hang on, simply out of fear of losing someone to hang on to--find someone else to meet your needs, and be very careful when doing so.
Flashphoto~ Wow, you've got some very good advice up ^ there!
I couldn't have said it better myself, and I'm going thru the same feelings you are.
One of my friends told me to make a list of the Pros and Cons of the relationship. I did, and the Cons list is a lot longer than the Pros!
The attention and the affection were great ego boosters, but when it came down to it, my guy wasn't there for me.
Onward.
DEBRA, I GET YOUR POINT.. I WAS THE PURSED FOR TWO MONTHS HE MADE ALL CONTACT... HE PLANNED OUR MEETING.. HE OPENED UP TO ME FIRST ALWAYS...IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE A MAN WOULD INVEST THAT MUCH TIME AND EFFORT IF HE DIDN'T BELIEVE WHAT HE WAS SAYING AT THE TIME? I HAVE COME A LONG WAY SINCE WE HAVE NOT BEEN SEEING EACH OTHER.. I HAVE READ MANY BOOKS ABOUT BEING A WHOLE PERSON BEFORE MEETING A MAN.. AND I FEEL I AM A CATCH!! I THINK WHAT BOTHERS ME MOST IS THAT HE NEVER GOT TO MEET THE REAL, WHOLE ME!! WHEN WE MET I WASN'T EMOTIIONALY, PHYSICALY, OR MENTALY READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP, I JUST THOUGHT I WAS...I WAS SELF CONSIOUS ABOUT MY LOOKS..(HAVE LOST 40 POUNDS SINCE FEB) NOW I LOOK AND FEEL GREAT!! I WAS NOT ABLE TO BE MY OPEN AND FUNNY SELF BECAUSE OF FEELING SELF CONSIOUS...I HATE FEELING THAT WE SHARED SO MUCH BUT BECAUSE OF TIMMING...(NEITHER OF US BEING READY) WE WILL LOSE THAT...I HAVE THIS HOPE THAT I CAN'T GET RID OF... THAT SOMEDAY WE WILL MEET AND HE WILL SEE ALL THAT I AM... AND THEN I WILL GET TO DECIDE IF HE IS RIGHT FOR ME!! HE ONCE SAID HERE WE ARE PEOPLE WHO FEEL FOR EACH OTHER AND CARE FOR EACH OTHER.. BUT DID NOT GET A CHANCE TO START AT THE START PLACE.. I JUST WANT A CHANCE TO DO THAT!
Flashphoto ~ stop shouting! LOL!
Maybe you yell too much, that's why he left... j/k
Daisy Mae
FlashPhoto:
Take a look:
Beautiful Daisy Mae Sprinting After Li'l Abner
Daisy Mae is beautiful. She's a catch. She's everything a man could ever want. But, why does Li'l Abner run so fast and furiously away from her?
BECAUSE, Daisy Mae is sprinting after him.
You answered so many of your own questions. The first couple of months, this man was chasing you. He pursued you. He initiated all the contact and arranged your meeting. He was enthralled by the thrill of the chase. He reeled you in by telling you everything you wanted to hear and as soon as he had you in his net, he lost interest. He threw in his line for a new fish.
He told you, when things get too close too fast, he RUNS.
Even though he told you he RUNS, you want to sprint after him and convince him how wonderful you are: Look at me! I lost 40 pounds. I look and feel great. I read books. I'm a whole person. I'm funny. We've shared so much. Give me another chance to show you how wonderful I am!
But, he has already moved on.
You can stay where you're at, stuck in emotional quicksand, or you can move on too. The choice is ultimately yours.
Sorry, didn't know i was shouting...you mean people don't get a second chance?? never?? i haven't been chasing him, he still is the one initiating contact... i know i may seem thick in the head, and your advice is well taken and apprieciated... i am going on with my life..i am opening my own business, looking for a class to further my knowledge in my field.. i have big plans.. but i want someone to share my life with.. i had an empty marriage for 16 years.. and it robbed me of my youth and my health.. i am struggling to regain my health and well, the youth i just have to let go off. i am open to meeting others, although haven't met any ...i am not pineing away .. but i do miss him.. and all that we shared and i don't know how to completely let that go? what will fill the void left by the relationship?/ being active and having thibgs to do, is not the same as sharing your day to day with someone who cares for you..
Youth is in the eye of the beholder . . .
FLASHPHOTO wrote:Sorry, didn't know i was shouting...you mean people don't get a second chance?? never?? i haven't been chasing him, he still is the one initiating contact... i know i may seem thick in the head, and your advice is well taken and apprieciated... i am going on with my life..i am opening my own business, looking for a class to further my knowledge in my field.. i have big plans.. but i want someone to share my life with.. i had an empty marriage for 16 years.. and it robbed me of my youth and my health.. i am struggling to regain my health and well, the youth i just have to let go off. i am open to meeting others, although haven't met any ...i am not pineing away .. but i do miss him.. and all that we shared and i don't know how to completely let that go? what will fill the void left by the relationship?/ being active and having thibgs to do, is not the same as sharing your day to day with someone who cares for you..
Ah, FlashPhoto:
Attitude is everything.
If you see yourself as having wasted the last 16 years of your life in an empty marriage . . .
If you see yourself as a woman robbed of her youth and vitality . . .
If you see yourself as a woman with a big hole in her life . . .
YOU WILL BE all those things.
A bitter woman who feels old before her time and envisions a vacant life cannot attract the kind of man who will make her happy.
Focus upon and enjoy the POSITIVE side of life. You lost 40 pounds and you LOOK GOOD and FEEL GOOD. You are starting your own business. You are taking an interesting class. You are just BEGINNING the rest of your life. Breathe in the fresh air and rejoice!
You don't need that man to give you a second chance to have a happy life. Once you let go and start embracing all the good in your life, the right man will come into your life.
Think positive!
Debra
Debra ~ just a question: have you ever loved and lost?
Sprinting
I did not mean to imply that you were literally chasing the man that you met on the internet. I threw out the Daisy Mae / Li'l Abner scenario in the metaphorical sense.
You are allowing your emotions to chase a fantasy--that once this man realizes how wonderful you are--that he will come running back into your arms and give you a second chance.
He's gone. He ran away from you. He's fishing in different waters now. For your own sake, you have to let go of all your unrealistic thoughts of him.
For your own sake, move forward and embrace life with optimism. The right man is waiting for you to find him . . . .
Love and Loss
Earthbound Angel wrote:Debra ~ just a question: have you ever loved and lost?
Oh yes. Definitely. I think it is a rare person indeed who has never loved and lost.
Thank God that I moved on with my life.
The right man was waiting for me to find him--and I did. I wasn't really searching, but he was there nonetheless.
I just know in my heart--if I hadn't been a happy, confident woman at the time we met--he might not have given me a second look and I might not have figured out that he was the one for me . . . .
Don't worry about it, Flash. Doesn't sound like he wants to be in a close relationship right now anyway, so if you do, there's someone else out there for you.
Flashphoto --
I don't think anyone is suggesting you be super woman here. Yes. Rejection hurts. Games hurt. Loneliness is lonely. From painful experience, I (we) want you to try to see what is positive and good. Why? Because you're worth it.
If he wanted (really wanted with his whole being) to be with you, instead of wherever he is, with whomever he is, I believe he would be. Okay, he IM's you. Remember he knows you care. He knows how to manipulate you for whatever reason of his own to string you along. Ask yourself, why? What kind of caring, nurturing, ardant, loving and sincere individual does that to a person? The whole, "I care but....". BUT? But is another word for excuse. In this scenario, that is what I read "between the lines".
The other thing, listen to what he has already told you. (Not just what you want to hear.) Try to have your eyes open, it's painful, but ultimately, I hope you will see him and the situation you are in as a dead end. If not a dead end, certainly, not on terms you would need or want. Why? Because he has (for whatever reason) decided not to pursue you. It's alright. It sounds to me like it's his loss. I'm guessing he is playing the field during and after his divorce. Did you instantly want to commit to someone after you were divorced? If you don't want any more heartache, you do not want to be the "transitional" love interest. Why waste any more time in your life with the wrong man at the wrong time? Go forth and live your life to its potential. Good Luck!
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace